Agoraphobia Support Group

:an abrupt change, sudden increase, or dramatic advance;a sudden highly significant move forward; a breakthrough

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I've had two opportunities recently presented to me, that would allow me to make that aforementioned leap. One is to meet a client of mine at their offices in San Paulo, Brazil. The other (just yesterday) is an invitation to attend a conference in Frankfurt, Germany.

At times I am SO close to making this jump - other times it's a million miles away.

I am in the midst of a severe identity crisis, living two lives that are the polar opposites of each other. On the one hand, with acquaintances and business associates, I live what APPEARS to be a normal life. On the other hand, with close friends and family, I live my "abnormal" one, where APPEARANCES are not possible.

I recently took a 10 day trip to a resort in Scottsdale, Arizona from my home in Southern California. That gave me a little confidence to take another step. The next step I was mulling over was a trip back to the New York Area, where I was born and raised. I haven't been back in ten years.

My biggest fear is committing to go somewhere, and then having my disorder lock down on me and trap me there, unable to make the trip back. For the New York trip, at least I would be in a familiar place. For the international trips, I would stuck as a stranger in a foreign and unfamiliar land.

I don't know if I can do either one, but at least I am considering them.

Of course, the only one imprisoning me is ME. Or more specifically, my mind. If I could do it, I feel I could leave this unwanted life behind forever.

I heard a song this morning on Sirius by Neil Diamond (I think). I am NOT a big fan, he's kind of before my time and a little corny for my tastes. But there are some words in this song that go (something) like this:

L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home

New York's home, but it ain't mine, no more

Pretty much sums it up for me. I don't have a place where I truly "belong".

Comments/feedback welcome.

Post edited by: mattcr, at: 04/28/2012 07:30 PM

I put on that hat for my profession and kind of performed the part to a degree that it felt like me.

It felt like who I was and isolated from other parts of my life.

If you become a workaholic and spend a lot of oyur time working then you can feel somewhat accomplished because you are spending much of your time being functional.

You even have an excuse to not attend family events because you're working.

I would say go for it if you can.

To me what you are doing even though you see it's like you're living a double life at least you are lving, doing and experiencing. It beats being debilitated and homebound hands down for many reasons.

So go for it!!!!!

Do everything you possibly can.

Perhaps the two sides of you will at some point meet and maybe you'll just find a way to continue to function this way.

I don't think you are the only one.

I think there are probably many people who utilize their profession to run from things.

Right now many of us sitting at home unable to get out who are bored and depressed and have no income would see it as a improvement to get to the level you are at.

I'm not sure what you can do to merge the real you and the professional you.

Maybe you can find some exercises to try to do that in a comfort zone where you don't trigger a total breakdown.

Do you see a therapist?

http://nothingworks.weebly.com/index.html

www.panicend.com

Really wish I would've found these before I tried meds. The meds made me much worse after a severe ssri reaction and low-dose benzo tolerance. Now I'm trying to recover from that too. Just something to keep in mind because I've found many people who have had similar experiences.

As you've probably realized, everyone needs to find their own path. Try listening to yourself as much as you can. Recovery is within us, but the complexity of agora needs to be appreciated as well as how paradoxical the solutions are.

You will never be completely ready for that quantum leap but it helps to be somewhat ready in my opinion. Only you will know when that is. Keep us posted on what you decide and how it goes. Good luck!

I listened to that song. If you're from New York, you can definitely relate. Hope you are well...

Haven't talked to you in a while, sounds like you are doing better?

I was not able to finish it I'll admit but my strategy for today was to try not to think too much!

I totally examine and rexamine everything to the point it is just pointless.

I guess it drives me nuts too.

Anyway today's plan is to just do and not overthink and stay as calm as possible.