Agoraphobia Support Group

Hi, my name is Steve. I am a gay man. A little over 8 months ago I met a gay guy I will call Mike. He had posted on Craigslist that he suffered from panic disorder and was in an abusive relationship. My mother had suffered from panic attacks for over 20 years before she died and all I could do was try and be a support to her so I was instantly drawn to try and help. I sent an email and the next day I was pleased he had responded. We began to speak through texts and carried on an almost constant text conversation for a week, day and night. We spoke on the phone a couple of times and we really seemed to get along, and I was really feeling like I wanted to help this guy out.

A week into us talking his abusive boyfriend started threatening to leave and when Mike would not get out of the car his boyfriend began yelling and saying he was going to call the police. He called me and I could hear the guy in the background. I said, I am coming to get you. I will be there in 3 hours. Be ready.

Turns out, after he arrived at my home, we talked day and night for another 2 weeks. He has panic disorder, agoraphobia, dependent personality disorder, he is terrified to take medicine to the point he will only take tums, and only rarely will he even do that. He had lost the support of all his friends, his family and parents had abandoned him, and his only means of keeping off the street was to find men to take him in and care for him and stay with him until they would become to weird, demanding of sex or abusive and he would begin again looking for someone else to take him in. By the time he met me, he had lived with over 20 men, never having sex or getting into a real relationship with any of them because he was terrified of love, sex and relationships. This came from the fact that he had been in a couple of them before he got so sick that made him sicker. He had a stalker, another man who burned him with cigarettes, he has been raped and became hyper secretive, always keeping a backup guy that he was talking to so when the current guy lost it with him he would have someone to call to come pick him up.

So, he told me he wanted a relationship, wanted to get close to someone, wanted to be loved and have someone he could count on to come into his life. He maintains his backups and secret phone calls and locked down computer and phone to this day, 8 months later.

He can not sleep alone, so we sleep in the same bed, he can't go anywhere alone so if he can get out the house I have to go with him, he can not be home alone and so I can never leave him.

After a month or so I started sending flirty messages, had a dozen roses delivered to the house and started telling him I would love to try and date and see where it went. I told him I understood he was afraid of sex, kissing, romance, cuddling and so forth and told him I would give him all the time he needed to warm up to things. I had told me several times he really liked me and wanted to move forward with me but needed more time. When I approached him with the proposal he got angry and said I was being pushy. So I waited, continued to wait on him hand and foot. I have been on unemployment for 9 months due to being downsized by Comcast so I was able to support us and be here for him. I pay all the bills including his cell phone, I cook all the meals, I wash all the clothes and do all the cleaning. My intent was to make his life as comfortable as possible because I knew he had been through hell. 6 months ago he had my sister bring a dozen roses over and he asked me out. So everything was wonderful, then later that day I changed my facebook status and he wigged out. He said it was too much, could not handle it and the same day ended it.

So, we get along great, I got him into therapy and helped him file for disability. We enjoy movies together and talking, we basically have a lot in common. The only time we argue is on occasion, and probably more often than it should have but I bring up the relationship issue a couple of times a month and he yells and screams and says he is trying to get better, that he is not ready for all that, that his cup is full, that a relationship would just be too much for him. He says he wants to die and every day all he is doing is trying to stay alive another day.

So now to the problem, it's been 8 months. He is no better at all. He will not take meds, I still cook and clean and wait on him hand and foot. We still sleep together and there have even been a few awkward and very disconnected attempts at fooling around at night initiated by him. My unemployment is about to run out, his disability has not started yet and I don't know what I am going to do. I can't work or I break my word to him. I can't leave him alone or I break my word to him, I can't leave him with someone else because I would break my word.

Also in the meantime I am stuck. He will not even discuss a relationship or how he feels about me, just says he wants me to wait.

I have all these financial pressures on me, trying to figure out how to support us when I can't go get a job. I am lonely and can't date him or anyone else for that matter. I have no love or affection in my life. Most days I wonder why I even get out of bed because all I am good for is being his caretaker. He has told me he is sorry but as good a guy as I am, I am paying for all the abuse all the men before me have put him thorough.

Add to all this, I can't go out with friends, can't go to a movie or out to eat or bowling or anything else. And he acts like 8 months without any of that is just fine considering he has not done them in longer, but I AM NOT SICK. I am doing this because I have fallen in love with him and want to take care of him. I want him to feel secure and not have to worry about running to abusive man after abusive man.

BUT I am so sad. I am so lonely, I am so love starved and sexually frustrated. I feel so trapped after 8 months of having nothing that brings me joy...not love, sex, work, affection, movies, dinners with friends, NOTHING!

I am started to get very angry at him and I don't want to feel that way but it's all about him and I am started to feel like I don't matter, like I am worthless except to be his maid and caretaker.

I hate to see him suffer. I hate that he tells me when I bring up my feelings of loneliness and sadness and sexual frustration and love for him I am actually hurting him, causing him frustration and making him angry which is not good for him. BUT I MATTER, or do I ?

I don't know what to do. I am lost, trapped and oh so depressed and lonely.

Steve, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Taking care of someone with a mental disorder is always draining. No matter how positive the caretaker is, eventually the caretaker can lose themself, especially in your case where you are not allowed a life outside of your caretaking position. This situation is highly toxic for you. He does not have the ability to give you what you want or need. This situation is unique in that this man is not your partner. He cannot continue to take, take, take and not give you something in return, such as freedom to pursue your goals. Ultimately, you cannot help where he turns if you decide to discontinue the relationship. You cannot take that on your shoulders. He has to make decisions that are best for him, and you need to make decisions that are best for you. Everyone deserves love and understanding, a partner who will love and support them unconditionally. Ask yourself what this man brings to your life. If the pros outweight the cons, breaking promises may be best for your own mental health.

Belle3132. Thank you for the advice, it's just I gave my word to him. Granted that was when I thought we were moving towards a relationship but I still never break my word. It is my highest belief, that you keep your word. Ugh

But thank you. It means a lot that you understand how difficult this is

BTW, are you a caretaker or a person suffering this awful ailment?

Hopeless, I'm sorry you're going through this. you do deserve better. you have all the signs of a guy that deserves all the love he can get.

tell him that you need to work or else you'll both be in the streets.

Steve, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to change your mind. Even though you gave your word you need to take care of yourself first. I don't think he can love anyone until he learns to love himself. The best thing you can do is disconnect from him at least mentally. Encourage him to help himself and do things for himself and encourage him to help out as much as he can at home. (Write him a letter if that's easier.) He'll get angry, he'll get hurt, he won't like it, but you're actually being caring by encouraging him to be more self reliant. He'll respect himself more when he begins to contribute. Also, if you show respect for yourself, he'll learn to respect you, too. If not, that's his problem.

There are also free services in most places for counseling, meds, job assistance, etc.

Gently encourage him and YOU HAVE THE RIGHT to stand up for yourself if he throws a fit. Don't be afraid of him. Be strong. Pray if you need to. You are not responsible for him. He is. The more you let him be dependent on you, the more he'll eventually resent you and dislike himself.

You are a good person. Please take care of yourself. YOU DESERVE IT. Let him take care of himself and get the help he needs. He'll be grateful someday.

I'll be praying for you both.

GettingStarted

GettingStarted makes some great points. To answer your question, I developed agoraphobia in 1995. I worked through it and became highly functional outside my house 6 months after I developed the disorder. Shortly after I got married, my husband and I moved away from our friends and family (like 20 minutes away, but over bridges, freeway, train tracks, etc.,) which limited my ability to go places due to all the imagined threats in my way. I didn't want to move and fought it, but lost the fight in the end. My marriage became toxic and after moving me somewhere I didn't want to move my husband became neglectful and even told me he wished he hadn't married me. I was only 22 at the time and my entire world came crashing down on me. I didn't want to try anymore and if I did try and had a panic attack and wanted to go home my husband would get mad at me. I no longer had a safe person and just gave up trying. In recent years, since I left him and with my boyfriend now who is very encouraging and patient, I have done much better. I don't go many places and can spend months in the house without going anywhere, but I don't have to go many places either since I work from home, school at home, and even homeschool my children (they are very socialized with outside activities and friends thanks to their dad). When I was with my husband during those bad years, I couldn't stand if he went out of town or was too far away from the house. I made him my safe person in a very toxic way. I hated when he was away from me. I did not feel confidence in the ability to be alone and not have a panic attack. I would be overly anxious. If he left the house for work before 7 am I would be panicky. It was so unhealthy for both of us. In 2005, I had to go into the hospital for a week for emergency surgery. This changed my life. I ended up leaving my husband 6 months later and haven't looked back. My boyfriend has never been my safe person in a way that limits his ability to have a life outside the relationship, but I have also grown and am less selfish as well as more confident in being alone. I still have issues being alone late at night through the early morning hours, but I was like before I developed agoraphobia as well and it's more of a safety issue for me.

I can understand that you do not want to break your word to him. But is not breaking your word more important than your own psychological, physical, and financial health? Can you live with a few months from now, living on the street and saying at least you didn't break your word? If he is this bad off he needs some serious psychological help and the desire to try to let you have a life outside of his disorder. If he's not willing to do that for you it doesn't really come down to you breaking your word. My heart is breaking for you. I hope that you can find a way to resolve this situation that is best for you.