Agoraphobia Support Group

I have had a crappy day...I haven't stopped crying...and a couple of factors are a cause...1. my son is 8months and is weaning himself from breastfeeding..and I am barely making any milk and I think my hormones levels are abnormal right now, The second reason is b/c of school coming up this Tues. My husband and I did a practice drive...Me Driving and him in the passenger seat and I have never really driven this route before..It's a lot of country road and hills and fields..I just felt so out of place and spacey...As we approached the lake (with a big bridge on it-which I've driven before), I had to pull over and started crying and I told my husband I could not drive any further). I almost had a panic attack and fought it for an hour or so, and almost told my husband to just take us home, but I wanted to walk around..I haven't felt like this in a long time..so we went to some stores and even the dreaded Super Walmart and the panic went away...and I made it through.. How the heck am I going to drive the thirty minutes to school if I can't even make it half way with my husband..I was so disappointed that I couldn't drive to the school with him..He was pretty understanding and supportive and said maybe it's just too much with actually driving 30 mins to school.. going to class for 3 hours and then getting and the car and driving back home for 30 mins.. I don't know what to do..I have been playing tug-of-war with my thoughts of whether I should or can just take one class.(I am taking full-time, Thursdays I have to be at class for 3 hours and I have a class this Tues from 6-9pm. the others are online)I have even been thinking to moving out of here and into a bigger town 30 mins away and focusing more on taming my anxiety..and being around more people and stores and places where I can go...I feel like I am not being a good mom and wife...I should be doing this for my son..and just do it..but it is SO HARD..He loves going places and seeing things...and I feel like I am not giving that to him....My husband never complains, but I feel I should be doing the shopping and stuff...In talking with my mom, b/c I was so upset..she said maybe I should not think about school right now and just look for a house or apartment to rent closer to civilization...I should be happy that I have a roof over my head, and yet I am complaining that everything is so far (which it is)..It is a nightmare for someone like me....and I don't thing anyone can really understand what it is like to be agoraphobic...It so darn frustrating and I know it is not healthy to keep crying and being depressed like this....I really think If I lived a mile from the grocery store I would drive and do things and bring my son places, as compared to the 20 miles from where I am now...I don't know..sorry for the long rambling list here...I just feel like I am in a corner with no options..and I am scared as hell. I am trying not to cancel my classes but I just so afraid I will panic in classes and I won't be able to finish school and have to drop out...This is crazy b/c I am not even worried about my Anatomy and Physiology class or the Nursing assistant clinicals...I am confident that I will make A's or B's...I am worrying about having a panic attack in class or introducing myself...I have convinced myself that in my nursing assistant class that when we do blood pressure and heart rate on eachother..that when my partner is taking my vitals...that my BP will be like 150/95 and heart rate 180 and she will just look at me and call the teacher b/c she'll think there is something wrong with me..but only I'll be having a panic attack..Hahah!! Thank you for all your support here, b/c If I couldn't vent here, I probably would be in a corner, balled up and crying even more..I just want to be a good mom, b/c I feel like I am not doing all that I could be doing....School comes last, but I just want to .Please cross your fingers for me!!!!

Mommi007, I'm thinking that you are putting too much pressure on yourself and maybe your mom is right. Maybe going to school right now isn't what you should be doing.

This is my take on things and take it for what it is - just my 2 cents worth here. I think you should back off on school for now, except maybe for the online classes.

This would give you a chance to do two things - first, take your online courses and still feel like you're in school. You may feel some disappointment that you didn't go to the actual school this semester, but that's okay. You would still be taking classes online. Second, this would give you more time to work on getting better and work on making that drive, little by little instead of all at once. I think in trying to make that drive was a very brave thing to do. But I do think it was too much to handle all at once.

Practice this drive in smaller increments with your husband with you in case you panic again. But drive for maybe 5 miles, turn around and drive back home again (that's just a number I picked out of my head, do what you can feel comfortable with). Each time you practice just drive that 5 miles until you are totally comfortable with it and feel no anxiety with it. Then add a couple of more miles to it and go through the whole process again. Keep doing this until you are able to drive the entire way with no panic or anxiety. Once you feel comfortable doing this drive with your husband with you try this in small increments again, but by yourself. Go through the whole process again by yourself. This will be a slow, but necessary process. Remember what we keep saying here - baby steps and that's all you can do. You CANNOT expect to do this all at once. I know it's frustrating as hell to not be able to get right into the car and just drive anywhere you want to go, but I can't either, but I'm working on it, just how I've told you to do it. There are days that I "slip" and I'm not able to do it at all, so don't expect every day to be a banner day because it won't. One thing to remember with a process like this is that there are peaks and valleys - it doesn't just go up and up and up through our progression. There are also downs, so please be prepared for those days that you can't do it or can only do a little bit. If it's possible, I would suggest that you have a couple of people as your support people so that it doesn't fall solely upon your husband.

I'm not sure that moving into town is the right course of action for this problem as it won't accomplish anything over your first fear - the driving. Also, will it conquer your fear that you may have a panic attack during class? Think about these things before you make a move into town.

I know you feel secluded where you are and maybe down the road a little (no pun intended), you can sell your house and buy a house in town. Is that an option for you all?

I hope that I've helped some and I'm so glad that you can feel like you can come here to vent so that we can try to help you. We know how you feel and remember you aren't alone in this. I hope your anxiety has come down some.

Post edited by: justaftraid, at: 01/19/2009 07:50

Thanks Wen...You are right..I have to check about dropping some of the on campus classes, b/c It's through Financial Aid...Some Fedral Financial Aids require you to be in school Full-time..so I am going to find this out..I don't think moving right now would be the solution..I know it is a more stressful event, and I guess I was just looking to "run away" from it. My husband and I don't have the option to sell and move..My mother has a 2 story garage apartment attached to her house and we rent that from her...which there are a lot of pros to living here and we finished our little home here...And No moving will not conquer my fear of the classroom..you are right..I have to post "baby steps" on my forehead b/c I keep forgetting that it is about little by little..I try to do too much and expect myself to get it done and if I don't it's a huge disappointment. The good days sure are good, and the bad days..boy they really beat the crap out of me and sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and just scream. I am going to call my financial aid officer, not sure if they are open today b/c of the holiday, but I am going to talk to someone..I also found out that I can see a therapist through the school-for free so I am going to use those services. Thank you Wen...Okay..Baby Steps, Baby Steps...: )

I just read your post in the Lounge thread about being a bridesmaid and standing up in front of the crowd. This too can be done using the baby step method of conquering this fear. This may also help when it comes time for you to have to take the classes at school instead of online.

Go some place (small store, restaurant that isn't busy, etc) with your support person and stay for a short time (as long as you can stand w/o your anxiety getting out of control). Browse through the store for a bit, have a cup of coffee at the restaurant, that sort of thing. Don't stay too long, don't overwhelm yourself. Keep doing this until you feel comfortable with it.

Then move on to something bigger - a bigger store, a busier time at the restaurant, etc. You're going to feel uncomfortable, but that's not a bad thing because if you didn't feel anything then you wouldn't be having a problem with with this.

Keep going back to these places until you are totally fine with shopping in a bigger, busier store or eating a meal at a busy restaurant.

Then try a shopping mall where there are lots more people and maybe even a restaurant in it. This all takes time and practice and again don't expect every time to be great, because it won't be.

While doing these things, make sure to talk to people, make eye contact with someone you don't know and just give a smile.

This is all desensitizing you to your fears, some of the same things I'm working on too. I hate crowds, I hate shopping (always have) and I hate standing up in front of people. But these are all things that at some point or another we have to do. But I was thinking that if you start soon on this, that maybe by the time that wedding rolls around, it will be a lot easier for you. That's just my thought on it any way. Start practicing now, and hopefully, by June you should be less nervous than if you wait until then to do this. Hope this helps.

Thanks Wen, I am going to work on this....my best friend knows about my agoraphobia and she is so very understanding and supportive...This is because her mom ia agoraphobic as well, I think for like over 20 years..The restaurant is a big thing for me....I haven't eaten out in a restaurant in I don't now how long...My husband and I haven't been to one together in 3 1/2 years...I'm always so afraid everyone is looking ar me, and I felt like I could never swallow my food or drink...I am going to put that on my goal list, and maybe by Valentines day my husband and I can go out and have dinner...Thanks for the advice, I am going to try this

You're more than welcome and let me know how things go. The Valentine's Day goal is a good one. That would be a great gift to your husband - to be able to go out to dinner w/him. It would be a great gift to yourself as well. And remember, people may glance at you, just like you glance at others. But they certainly aren't staring at you unless you are standing on your head or something . Keep me up to date on how you are doing and don't forget you can come here to vent any time you need to.

Many hugs {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you all for your support!!! I don't know what I would do without it!