Agoraphobia Support Group

Hey fellow agors! I was asked to post some more jokes after the few I posted last night, so I decided to start a new thread especially for jokes. Feel free to add your own

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots

were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,

She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,

Our prayers have been answered!

Post edited by: bestillmyheart, at: 08/15/2011 08:44 AM

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Ya Grew Up in the Midwest if......

1. You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.

2. You know what knee-high by the Fourth of July means.

3. You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the wedding and the reception.

4. You know the difference between "Green" and "Red" farm machinery, and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!

5. You buy Christmas presents at ' Fleet Farm' or ' Tractor Supply ' .

6. You spent more on beer and liquor than you did on food at your wedding.

7.. You have ever tried to get your city cousins to pee on the electric fence.

8. You or someone you know was a "Bean/Sugar Queen" at the county fair.

9. You know that "combine" is a noun.

10. You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.

11. You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

12. You know that "creek" rhymes with "pick".

13. Football schedules, hunting season and harvest are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.

14. A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend shining for deer.

15. There was at least one kid in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning... phew.

16. You have driven your car on a lake.

17. You can make sense of "upnort" and "batree".

18. At every wedding reception you have ever been to, the hokey pokey and the chicken dance have been played.

19. Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

20. The local gas station sells live bait.

21. At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.

22. You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday..

23. Pop is the only name for soda.

24. You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your friends.

THE GUNFIGHTER

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

There was a Midwestern company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole

installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys

and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said:"Here's what we'll do. Each

team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team

that installs the most phone poles gets the job."

Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish

guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.

They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in

and they were totally exhausted. The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did

you guys install?"

Ole, the team leader wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got

three in."

The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!"

"Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground.

Why I'm now divorced:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't

feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast

hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,

'Happy Birthday!',

and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,

he barely said good morning,

let alone

' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,

but the kids....

They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast

and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low

and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,

my handsome Boss Rick, said,

'Good Morning, lady,

and by the way

Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better

that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,

when Rick knocked on my door

and said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day outside,

and it is your Birthday,

what do you say we go out to lunch,

just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick,

that's the greatest thing

I've heard all day.

Let's go!'

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go

where we normally would go.

He chose instead a quiet bistro

with a private table.

We had two martinis each

and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,

Rick said, 'You know,

It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office,

Do We?'

I responded,

'I guess not.

What do you have in mind?'

He said,

'Let's drop by my place,

it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house,

Rick turned to me and said,

If you don't mind,

I'm going to step into the bedroom

for just a moment.

I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and,

after a couple of minutes,

he came out

carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed

by my husband

my kids,

and dozens of my friends

and co-workers,

all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after inToronto. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

[]

What were you

Thinking?

Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

I worry about you

Sometimes!

I know what I was thinking!!!!

lmao! right!!!! I was thinking that too haha! So don't worry LOL! I have a lot of emails like those, but they all have pictures that are needed to understand the joke, so many of them I cannot post on here, but I can forward them to anyone who wants them. I'm also trying to go through the emails to make sure that their isn't anything in them that is going to offend someone, so bare with me here lol.

Penguins:

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

"Then they kick him in the ice hole."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people!