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hollySB5 Posts: 4
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Well to start off one of my childhood really good friends passed away three days ago. The funeral isn't untill this weekend, I live in Michigan and the funeral will be where I'm from West Virginia. My husband with agoraphobia has been up and down with emotional support I should say. He has been going to the store a mile down the road for groceries "which is huge for him" and being empathetic letting me have me time for a couple hours and taking the kids outside "huge for him", but this will last for about 4 hours and then Nick time is on. He starts in with the negativity, nit-picking for problems to manufacture arguments with me, even putting the blame for his anxiety on me because of my current state of depression. and right now, how can I put this I am not in the state where I can handle the pessimism, criticism, irrational fear driven scenarios, and general dumping on. And its been like that for the last 3 days. He is upset that I will be spending money "one of his extreme phobias" to go down to WV from Michigan to the funeral. He argues "what the f is the point in a funeral, you haven't seen your friend in years who the f cares" So this is why I believe he's up and he's down. Now, I am 50% of his safe zone he can escape the town with me, but not on his own. We have also not been apart for longer than 4 hours in the last 5 years. Needless to say I can never escape him to gather strength. I have no friends up here, because I have been unable to meet people through him. I attend college online as per his foot stomping, because it is cheaper for tuition. He doesn't understand why I insist that he does not go with me down to the funeral. We have three children my oldest I have joint-custody long distance summer break/spring and christmas break schedule "not of my own choice a huge burden and depressant on me" and he tried saying you can go the kids stay up here to basically try to punish me for going, because I do not get enough time with my oldest as it is. We compromised with the youngest staying with him, but I'm not going to lie I'm going to be worried about Nick having a massive panic attack with my 2 year old son. He decided thats alright, then its no, then its ok, then its no. Meanwhile I'm not going to lie I've lost my nerves to be able to literally eat sh*t and I have not been all that nice for the last three days said things I probably shouldn't have. I have even been contemplating an in the middle of the night departure when he doesn't expect it with the kids so I can leave in peace with out full blown argument hiding keys and him breaking half the house. Don't worry I would return. He wasn't always like this just for the last 18 months or so and now he's at the worst of the worse. I want to get out of this thing being able to go say good bye, get some peace, gather myself, and not make my husbands anxiety worse because of it and our relationship.
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LadyBunnie Posts: 3125
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Ok, first of all kudos to you for sticking by him as long as you have! So so many family members just give up and aren't supportive at all. HOWEVER, he should realize how rare it is for an agoraphobe to find such support and appreciate you more. Yelling, screaming and guilt tripping you is NOT OK behavior for any spouse, I don't care what illness they have. Of course you crave some "me" time having to deal with that all the time. I would say to lay the cards out on the table for him. you will have to find some common ground or you will end up resenting each other. I wish you luck! ❥ ♥ ♫ ♪ ♫“Only one thing registers on the subconscious mind: repetitive application. Practice. What you
practice is what you manifest.” — Grace Speare❥ ♥ ♫ ♪ ♫
❥ ♥ ♫ ♪ ♫ “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.” — Beverly Sills❥ ♥ ♫ ♪ ♫
There are three types of effort: easy, difficult, and impossible. The easy ones teach us
appreciation and laughter. The difficult ones teach us patience and perseverance. The
impossible ones teach us humility, surrender, and spirituality
:¨·.·¨:
`·..Chandra ♥ ഇ |
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Ladygaga Posts: 4184
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First ,i'm sorry for your loss..it doesn't matter that you havn't seen your friend for a long time ,you are still grieving and sad ,it's perfectly natural . Second..and i'm sorry to say it but ,just because someone has a mental illness it doesn't mean they aren't also capable of being a total d**k at times ,agoraphobia does not mean you can't be supportive ,understanding ,compassionate and kind (everyone here manages it)nor does it mean the world revolves around you and your fears (and this is an agor talking )Your husband's behaviour isn't acceptable no matter how afraid or anxious he's feeling . Having said all that I would add that it's important to acknowledge the things he is doing to help and support you when he's doing them .The extra pushing may be adding to his anxieties and making him more prone to being irritable BUT it's still not an excuse to have tantrums ,resort to blackmail or try to lay down the law with you .Agoraphobia does not mean we can't be treated like ,or behave like adults..it doesn't mean we have the right to bully ,blackmail or rule someone elses life .As Bunny says he is lucky to have such a high level of support from you and should appreciate it more . If you can do it then i'd try and stand very firm about your needs ,even in the face of tantrums..tell him you are going to do the things YOU need to do regardless of his foot stamping and if he breaks stuff the only result is going to be broken stuff..it's very hard I know but it's not right for you to be made a prisoner too . Take care and good luck with this truley tough situation Show a little love today...tomorrow may be too late |
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jmick  Posts: 13883
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I agree with what everyone has said, having agoraphobia and having anger problems are two completely different things. I'm not saying they may not be related, his anger may stem from his fears, but it is possible to deal with agoraphobia without the fighting, etc. In fact most of us will do almost anything to avoid a fight (unless of course it's something we absolutely can't do). My guess is he has a great deal of anxiety and fear about you being gone. I would try to get him to have a calm discussion about what his fears are and how you can both try to make things as easy as possible. If he feels you are his "safe" person, and if he hasn't been away from you for an extended period of time in five years, he is probably terrified right now. But like everyone has said, the fear of agoraphobia is no excuse for breaking stuff, hiding keys, etc... That type of behavior definitely sounds like something that has to be dealt with separately. Kevin
"It's often said that life is strange, oh yes, but compared to what?" |
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KittenMittens Posts: 20688
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I have no advice, just a few questions. Does he see a counselor/Psych? Is he on medication? Would he consider coming here for support? Cheryl I desire to inspire before I expire. |
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faery007 Posts: 1084
Senior Member
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It sounds as if your hubby is using his agoraphobia as an excuse for being emotionally abusive? Maybe being very direct and clear with what you are willing to do and not do for him would help? also by being very clear on letting him know how you expect him to treat you and what you are willing to tolerate from him may help as well? Maybe allowing him to take responsibility for his illness and actions would help as well as letting him know what support he can expect/not expect anymore from you. If he is willing to make goals and try improving his symptoms by seeking outside professional help of any kind (therapy/meds/psych doc etc) that may be most beneficial for all of you? I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this very difficult set of problems. I hope you don't hesitate to continue posting here, it can help many others as well. "All children are artists.
The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up." -Pablo Picasso
"I'm the best at what I do and what I do isn't very nice" -Wolverine |
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jpooh38
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I agree with everyone above. Using agoraphobia to treat you like crap isn't right. I also agree with jmick, if you are his safe person then he is defintely terrified. I had my best friend pass away 1 month after I stopped driving. It was horrible. I didn't end up going to the funeral because of my fear and my husband was going to go on my behalf but he didn't want to leave me in the condition that I was in even though I begged him to go for us. Not only did I lose him (my bestfriend) with my not going to the funeral I lost his brother and his fiance who were both our (my husband and I) bestfriends. They had no clue of my agoraphobia and we reconnected 2 years later after we talked out what happened... We all needed time. So I can relate to what you may be feeling. My suggestion is to see if maybe your husbands family member, friend or neighbor would be willing to hang out with him for the time you are gone. I think the anger may just stem from him really being scared for you to leave. Not that it is ok. Also like Cheryl said would he consider coming on to the group?? This may help him as well. |
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hollySB5 Posts: 4
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The situation is resolving itself thank God. My husband has a psychologist that comes to the house through the VA once a week. He came over today. We had a sit down basically he talked to me and him, and my husband was afraid that me going down there is to arrange leaving him and divorce. That was his fear considering a comment I made when I was down and out he said something about I never left his barracks room when we first got together "we're both vets" I was literally emotionally exhausted at the moment and said I should have. He looks up my web history a couple weeks before that and found that I had looked at a divorce article on mental grounds in my research and websearching and had been driving me crazy over that ever since nitpicking everything about our relationship, asking me the same questions over and over like a freaking interrogator and any of my answers are not good enough not just about that, but about why do I need a break from him, what is the point of going to the funeral, why do I want to take the kids to my sisters house "they're going to be there while I'm at funeral" why can't I go with you "last time he wen't he was literally in constant anxiety it was horrible on him" and literally driving me nuts. My Own fears of what he would do hide the keys break half the house etc. were because that is things that he has done before in arguments. The psychologist basically calmed him down and explained to him the reason why I have not been in the greatest mood lately in our relationship is because he is getting on my nerves literally with all of the questions, pessism and in general because I dont have a break. "It took the psych to tell him" I have been having muscle twitching and convulsions for the past 4 days. Nick let it out that his fear was that I was going down to divorce and leave him and I explained to him that I have no intentions of doing so this really has nothing to do with him except for the simple fact that I don't want him there while I'm dealing with this.I looked into that stupid website as a just incase the shit hits the fan scenario. The psych explained to him that I can't handle the questions and general "getting on my nerves" like I usually can right now. Him wanting to keep the kids up here was not intended for black mail to worry me or because I don't get enough time with my oldest, but it was a safety net that I would come back. We compromised that I would take the girls, my son is 2 so he wouldn't remember the time with my two nieces anyways for those 2 nights, and family is going to check up on him and my 2 yr old son while I'm gone. So basically guys his fear got the best on him, and I jumped to conclusions from past history in our relationship. I don't care what you all say the anger aspect does come into play with agoraphobia. "Fight or Flight" when you all feel you're backed in a corner. Nick switching from "I'm there for ya" to "I'm being an asshole interogating you and throwing out my horrible scenarios" was the process of him trying to cope with the fear. We're alright for now, but its not Friday yet that fight or flight may came out giving me hell when I'm currently at my lowest. |
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mem1428
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I think the anger may just stem from him really being scared for you to leave. I agree with what everyone has said, having agoraphobia and having anger problems are two completely different things. I'm not saying they may not be related, his anger may stem from his fears, but it is possible to deal with agoraphobia without the fighting, etc. ... My guess is he has a great deal of anxiety and fear about you being gone. HOWEVER, he should realize how rare it is for an agoraphobe to find such support and appreciate you more. Yelling, screaming and guilt tripping you is NOT OK behavior for any spouse, I don't care what illness they have. - suggesting she thought the anger stemmed from the agoraphobia. Just throwing these out there. I think you misunderstood somehow based on: I don't care what you all say the anger aspect does come into play with agoraphobia. |
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nicholasb939 Posts: 47
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I am the husband and I wanted to just put my two cents in. I do have severe panic attacks and agoraphobia. My wife and children are my safety net. I know 100% that I am lucky to have my wife and her support. We have been married 8 years and have had our ups and downs. We have had arguments in the past; I think this is normal for all marriages. Two times in 8 years I have took the keys in the midst of an argument because it eats me alive to have any tension between us. I like to get things resolved or at least know where they stand or my anxiety spirals out of control. I have broken a few phones in 8 years, the most recent being a couple of weeks ago when my alcoholic mother threw a fit because I am not able to go out and buy her beer and hung up on me. I have never been verbally abusive to my wife because I love her more than any of you can possibly imagine. I do get irritable sometimes; it feels like I am in a constant panic attack and like I just ran a ten mile marathon. It seems like some of you might understand that. I have had a lot of anxiety concerning a comment she made about not being with me and looking up divorcing a mentally ill person. I have been asking a ton of questions to try to figure out what is wrong that I can fix. I can’t fix myself right now, but I want things to be as good as they can between us. I have probably repeated myself several times because I forget what I have asked or said. Between the anxiety, panic attacks, and valium my memory is not the greatest. I am not fearful that she is leaving me when she goes to West Virginia. I am worried that she’s will feel I support her even less than I already do if I am not there for her. It does make you feel kind of worthless. I also worry about money. We are not very well off right now and it could affect us in a negative way. I am not very good with death; you could say I don’t understand it. I have never been to a funeral and plan on keeping it that way. I am not emotionally abusive. And I don’t make excuses for any of my behavior. Yes I am terrified of my wife going, but just because of my anxiety and agoraphobia. I have been trying to be understanding. My focus is on making sure our relationship stays strong, that’s the reason for the questions. Please, you don’t all need to jump to conclusions from a very small portion of the whole picture. Yes I have been seeing a Psych and taking meds for a long time. I am trying to get better. I did offer to have the kids stay up here but not as any sort of blackmail, first they help calm me down and I figured she could go and do what she has to do faster solo. This seems like a good group but please ask more questions before you jump to conclusions. Nick |
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