Agoraphobia Support Group

well my wife has agoraphobia and anxiety and im pretty sure depression. she quit taking lexapro about 5 months ago. Since she stopped taking it she has changed alot. She is completely homebound. She has not left the house for atleast 3 months maybe longer. I'm not perfect but she thinks of me as her enemy now. she doesnt work, I do and pay all our bills, I do all the grocery shopping and majority of the cooking and cleaning. When i get home from work I help out as much as i can with our toddler. I try really hard to do stuff to make her happy, cooking her dinner, bringing home flowers randomly, leaving love notes around the house. It seems like no matter what I do she doesnt notice or appreciate it. She is on the phone or computer from the time she gets up til she goes to sleep. She totally neglects my wishes to spend time with her. But she will talk on the phone to her friends who in my opinion are trashy drama queens. it really frustrating trying so hard to get her attention and she ignores me. but she gives all her attention to these losers. I wanna be there for her and help her anyway i can. but she has totally pushed me away and tells people that dont know me how mean i am. she gets on facebook and tells people shes a single mother and im a deadbeat. its like shes embarrassed of me or she wants people to feel sorry for her. I dont wanna try and split up with her but she puts for no effort in our relationship at all. Am I trying to hard, I no she cant just snap out of it but she's losing the person who cares for her the most and she doesn't even care. she swears if she moves out she will be happy. But she cant even go to the grocery store, she would be lost without me

Hello glad you found this group here on MDJ, it sounds like you really could use a little help, support and guidance. Wow it must be very heart breaking to see your wife do this to herself. I understand that it has alot to do with the lack of meds and that at times agor's can push everything away at not matter what cost.......even family!! Perhaps it does go a little deeper, whereas she doesnt feel worthy of your love. She is alienating you perhaps to make it easier for you to walk away. I know you love her and do not wish this to be but until she can open up a little more to you, which may take time and huge perserveance on your behalf, you may need to see past the obvioius for a bit and search out for information that may ease your mind a bit, which im sure you are doing here on MDJ. People here are very educated with Agor and relationship with agor's and with being the agor in a relationship. (bit of a tongue twister) But what i am hoping for you is to find some answers you seek here and moreso learn from others.

She does sound like she doesnt want to be close to someone right now and maybe because she doesnt feel that she is worhty.

Just a thought.

Karen

Welcome to the group Jordan!

I am sorry you having to go through all of this. I am homebound and my husband dose most of the shopping but I do go online and buy quite a bit of stuff to help him out. You might want to sugest that she reach out and talk to others that have agoraphobia so may be she can see that she is not alone, just a thought.

Welcome to the group. I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult time and that she is withdrawing from you. I was just curious, why was she on Lexapro and shy did she stop taking it? Did she stop the meds suddenly or gradually?

Cheryl

Welcome to the group. Think you and your wife both will find some help and understanding here.

I not sure on this one... I mean come on guys.. if she is telling people he is a deadbeat, and putting him down.. that is just cruel. WOW.. this is a sticky situation and I think it requires couple counseling from a professional. We aren't trained in this stuff. If I had a degree in Psychology, I would be eating steak instead of peanut butter!

My initial reaction is to ask what you are doing wrong? It's easy to say the things you do right.. but is there something you are doing that is wrong? Do you go out with the guys too much? Not pay attention to your child? Make sure you are doing all the right things and if so.. then you HAVE to sit down and talk to her. Express how much you want to spend more time with her, how hurtful it is to you to have belittle you on Facebook.

Does this really have all that to do with Agor? I doubt it. Yeah, she SHOULD get back on meds. She is obviously spending way too much time thinking about what she doesn't have instead of being thankful for what she does have. That could be depression.

Either way.. SIT AND TALK is my advice! Make a list of your concerns and address them face to face.

Well I'm 9 months and three weeks away from my degree. So I geuess I'm sorta qualified... (Tack on two years please for my Masters! ) Onto the subject at hand.

I have done that! Well... most of it... I never belittled my spouse though, I could never do that. I was depressed, and I hated life and I pushed everyone who was ever close to me away; simply because that was how I coped with agor. Although I didn't know I had it at the time

How I got out of it; red lights went off when my husband talked with me, he noticed right away that things were wrong. I.E. the way I treated our child. I didn't want her to be apart of my life. Mainly because I thought she deserved better than someone who couldn't bear to leave the house.

My husband told me to get help, so I went to the a counsler. I started talking my issues out, which helped alot. A whole lot, then I was put on meds.

I seriously reccomend communication (between you two), and some type of counsoling and theropy. Facebook doesn't need to know what your relationship is going through.

No matter if that is her kind of coping method. Have you considered that she may need some friends to actually hang out with. If she is a stay at home mom she may just be really stressed.

Depression can be a deblitating downward spiral, so communication for you both, theropy, couples theropy if needed, talk about facebook, and send her out with her friends for a little while.

I hope that helps, because in the past 5.5 years I have been married, my spouse and I have fought through thick and thin through all of our problems, not just mine, but his to. Communication and comprimise are keys to a great relationship.

Heather

Thanks for jumping in there Heather! That belittling thing bothered me too. If I was doing that, I would want to be called out on it and questioned as to why. Pushing him away? Just doesn't love him any more? Those kinds of things.

All I can add is that depression (like I have if I don't take my meds ) can lead to the most irational and unkind behaviour .I love my hubby to bits but if I don't take my meds for a couple of days I become very angry ,irritable ,down ,think death would be the best thing and even feel like I hate my husband..thats not me it's the blasted depression ,stupid brain chemical imbalance ..it even makes me feel I don't care about my kids if I go without meds for long enough..and when im normal I worship them .

So if she is depressed and it's deep enough then she may honestly feel what she is expressing..even if it is totally illogical and based on nothing that is actualy going on .

I have depression along with my agoraphobia, and it is thus far treatment-resistant... meaning for three years I've been on various anti-depressants and I'm still severely depressed. I have to work very hard to keep my personal relationships up. The agoraphobia coupled with depression can definitely lead to wanting to shut everyone else out. My agoraphobia ended my marriage, and I'm sure part of it was that I shut my wife out. Right now I am able to keep up relationships with my family, but that's because I don't have to live with them and see them on a daily basis.

It sounds like your wife really needs help, probably needs to be back on medication, but sometimes it can be hard to see for ourselves when we're in that situation. We're just so miserable all we can think of is trudging onwards.

I would just be careful how you go about trying to help her... she will most likely get very defensive. But even if it's a difficult situation you have to have some communication together.

I hope she is able to get some help