Agoraphobia Support Group

So lately I have just been so up and down.

I have been having the overwhelming urge to just run for years now, but it seems to be getting stronger. Just Monday I was lying in bed and actually almost did it. I had it all planned out. What I would need to pack, what I would need for staples from the grocery store, and what road I would travel on. I figured I could get a job washing dishes for cash somewhere just to stay alive. I'd clean out my account and only have cash on me so that they would not be able to trace my spending.

Everything. The whole 9 yards. I have never came that close to running before in my life. I just don't feel good enough. That my problems are too much for even me to handle so why make my family suffer along with me?

And I know, I know. That's what family is for...support, but geez I am a handful. My husband I think is starting to get sick of it. I drink on the weekends because it makes me me again. It makes me the fun Jenny. Not the robot that I am today. And now with the stupid meds the drinks hit me sooo hard. I really have to adjust and stop having as many as I used to have.

He hates that I drink, but it's not like I do it all week. I do it when I don't have to work and even then it's not all weekend. I'm just so frusterated right now. The pills have killed whatever sex drive I had amd that drives him crazy. He thinks I'm cheating on him...ha! With what time? When I'm not working I am working at the house.

I just don't find anything very fun anymore. I want to go out, but when I do I freak out. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of wanting and never having. My life has always been that way. I have a dream and it turns in the opposite direction. When do I get a bit of luck?

I'm sorry for this pity party, but I just can't hold it in any longer. I feel useless I wonder why the hell I am even a Group Leader on here when I'm not helping anyone. I wonder why I am distancing myself from the site. Everytime I want to go on at home I just can't bring myself to. I just run around the house doing my "chores".

I hate that I'm even writing this. I feel like I am supposed to be the strong one all the time. That I shouldn't be vulnerable. I am just so stuck...

Post edited by: slamm311, at: 06/30/2010 07:06 AM

Oh, Jenny, how i can relate. I am sure many can relate. You are still here though and much needed. Remember, no matter where we go, there we are. It is all just geography. I have moved so many times hoping things would get better but i know they won't until "I" get better.

I too have issues with my libido. The meds killed mine too and well, my hubby has a really high one and it makes me feel so guilty when i tell him "no". He gets pissed and then does the "you don't love me" or "who are you sleeping with" crap too. Who would i cheat with? I don't know anyone around here and i don't go anywhere really. They do not understand and may not ever understand it. I don't know what to say about it other than that. I wish i had a solution to bring more balance.

I have had so many days that i want to just give up. It is so exhausting, these disorders. Leaving isn't the answer though. That would hurt your family more than staying.

Hang in there, Jenny. This too shall pass and never feel ashamed of sharing your feelings! Got it!

love you, girl!

Haha Jenny. I am sorry I am laughing but it is just because I relate so well. Especially the running away fantasy!

I do the same thing. The urge to flee gets to be so strong. I might be gone already if I did not need someone to drive me! LOL That kind of defeats the purpose! Then I fantasize about just checking into a hotel somewhere for just a week. Just by myself. It all stems from the need to escape the pressure, problems and reality. I know that. But Angela is right. No matter where we go, we can't escape the mind. Sure, some problems might disappear but new ones will surface. Although I still think going away for a week would be awesome for me! Damn responsibilities! We are feeling trapped. We KNOW our families would not be better off without us. Yes, we are a pain in the ass but so are they at times. However we are mothers. Nobody can replace a mother no matter how nuts she is! It is more about us just wanting and needing a break. It is normal for all people but even more so for people like us. HUG! (maybe we can run away together.....hmmmm...)

It is all so hard babe. We want to be just like we used to. I know that feeling. yeah, the drinking brings back some of the old Anna but solves nothing. Think about whether your husband's concerns could be valid, from his standpoint and act accordingly. As to sex drive. What is sex drive?????LOL I know it is not funny but boy, it is so common with all the drugs. If only they understood that we would like to feel all those feelings again. All feelings, not just like an indifferent, empty shell. I think we need to start sleeping around, maybe it is just our men!!!! Hahahaha. Kidding.

Jenny, you are a leader because you have agoraphobia. I will always say that a leader is also someone who suffers and no one should ever forget that. Sometimes you will be more active, sometime less. That is OK!!! Just give yourself a break will you and do not look into the future too much.

Now I will be waiting for a concrete plan about our escape!

Thanks guys. It's just so hard lately. Suffocating would be a great word for how I am feeling. The meds are helping with my depression...I can't even cry anymore! It's great but then again I think I feel more angry and helpless. Does this happen to anyone?

Plus then my anxiety sky rockets and I feel like I'm either popping pills or drinking. So whom shall I be? A pill popper or an alcoholic? Hmmmm. It's not a win, win there now is it?

Anna, my plan is getting better and better to escape lately. It scares me. I want to leave, but I don't at the same time. I mean who wants to leave their children behind?

I actually had a dream that I went to go stay with Jojo. She's not so far away from me. LOL if that ever happened...look out world! And I think you are right. I need a vacation. A REAL vacation. One where I am nowhere near my house. Then I won't be "forced" to do work. I cannot relax when there are things to do around the house. It just doesn't happen. So my therapist tell me to go out more...or try to. Yeah right. That's even harder then just sucking it up and doing all the work.

I just feel like I have to be Syper Mom. That's how I was when I stayed at home. I need to make things perfect for my boys and I hate asking for help. I am getting better at it, but God I am struggling.

I will find what I need though. And Ang, I know that this too shall pass. I'm so happy that I have a place where there are such comforting people around me. I've been feeling like this for weeks and finally got it off my chest. *sigh* I feel much better. Maybe next time I'll try not to hold it in so long.

Ahhh Growing Pains. The pains of being a Mom, while the kids are growing. You are committed Jenny. Once you squeeze out those little monsters, they are ALL yours! They never go away, they never stop wanting from you, and they never stop loving you. You young moms are trapped. There is no escape! So, you better put on those big girl panties and deal with it!

Dealing with it: Any way that gets you through!!!! If you have a parent or hubby that will watch the kids so you can have a vacation---DO IT! If you and the hubby can get away for a weekend without them and relax-- DO IT! I never got a break Jenny! NOT ONCE did I have a weekend without kids or even a day! SO DO IT IF YOU CAN!!!!!! You would be suprised how quickly that labido can shift into fast gear when you are staining up someone elses sheets to clean!!!!!!!

Kids are the perfect birth control method!

I encourage you to run away for a weekend Jenny. Clear it with the old man or family member and fly away girl!!!! YOU deserve it! And you COULD do it.

Thanks Silly. I really wish that I could just pick up with both of my boys and just go. I would live in a hut for crying out loud. Somewhere slower paced. Somewhere without so many people and noise. I'm overwhelmed with stimulation. Maybe I just had an epiphany(sp?)? Maybe it's just the agor in me that is screaming at me for trying to fight it?

Jenny... You just need a break... a normal me, myself, and I break!! I swear, it would make all the difference in the world!

Hey Jenny... I can totally relate to the running away feelings. In my mind I've packed up and left a thousand times! Someone once told me "No matter where you go, you still wake up with you". Guess we can't run away from our problems and that sucks. Maybe a little time away with your husband would do you good. I wish I had the answer for you, but I don't. But one thing I know for sure is that these feelings will pass and you will feel good again. In the meantime try to slow down and breath deeply and remember... we understand and we are here for you!

Wow, so I'm not the only one?!!!

The only reason I haven't written this out before is because I didn't want to look like a bad mom or a whiner or have people think that I was crazy. I mean I came VERY close to just leaving last week. I had it all mapped out. I even have gone as far as to take a bag out. I'm always too chicken to do the actual packing.

I mean I even figured out how I would shower and everything! I knew that I would have to get a pay as you go phone so I couldn't be tracked. The one loose end that I couldn't figure out how to fix would be my license plate. Am I crazy or what?

But I am still here. I know that I need to be, but I get in these crazy moods. Suffoctaing moods where I just want to scream and go. I get really antsy. Panic anyone?

It feels so good to voice this. If I told anyone else they would think I was selfish for wanting to leave my family. But it's not that. I don't WANT to leave them. I feel like I have to.

Yeah... that's EXACTLY how I feel. I want my disability to come through so I can just disappear. If I can afford it I'll buy a small RV. I'm just so tired of explaining my situation to family, I'm tired of being around family because it just makes me feel uncomfortable and guilty. There is a very real chance I will just run when the disability comes through. Me, my laptop, and a case of budweiser lol.

I'm so serious that it's beginning to scare me now that my case may be approved soon. It's tough to imagine just going out into "The great wide open" with agoraphobia, but anything is better than what I'm doing now. Maybe that's what I need to get better.

So glad you posted this.