Agoraphobia Support Group

I have mentioned this in posts before.. the box in the back of my mind that I put things in that bother or upset me. This analogy seems to work best in explaining how my mind works. I abandoned this box some months ago and started facing each of the issues I kept there. But the box is back and staring at me. Its been staring at me so hard the last three days that I have put a few things in it to keep my sanity. And I know good and well I can't put anything in it because that's when I lose it.

I can't even post here the issues that are in that box, because like I have said in previous posts there are people that search the net looking for things that I do that might be deemed "inappropriate", that is an issue in itself.

The bad part is that even with all the strength I have accumulated I can't face this huge looming issue yet. I need to badly, but the person I must face is one of my biggest panic triggers and their very presence causes me to have massive attacks. And this person knows it too. And takes advantage. What I need is help. If I keep adding issues around this main issue to that box it will spill over and I will have another melt down. I can feel it coming anyway. Hell, its almost 4 am and I have spent the last 8 hours trying to face the issue and come up with a plan but keep putting it back in the box.

What I need is a mediator. Someone to physically stand beside me when I face this person.

I am sorry I can't go into more detail publicly but this is very very much related to my illness and me being ill for so long. This person is using my illness against me. So if you would like more information and possibly have some advice pm me. I have written out the entire situation for anyone that would like to put their 2 cents worth in. (i really wish there was a privacy option on posting)

thanks for listening, i really needed to get that off my chest, now maybe I can sleep.

Oh Bunnie,

Whatever is haunting you must be very difficult for you, I can feel it. I am sorry you do not feel free to post all of your concerns. It is terrible when someone uses another person's illness as a weapon against them. It is sick as a matter of fact. Sick and evil. I am angry just thinking about it. I hope you know you can PM me any time and I will respect your privacy. I hope you can find the strength to take your power back from this person.

Bunnie, it sounds terrible that whatever issue you are dealing with has you so upset. I can't promise to have all the answers but if you need someone else to listen you can PM me all the time.

I agree with Anna, it is outrageous for someone to use an illness against you.

Thank you for all the PMs and your words here Kevin and Anna, I have sent all of you the typed up version that should have been posted here. I havent even discussed this with my therapist... I just try to bury it so deep.

I wonder though... If I had cancer, would they still do me this way? It is a disease too...

I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a monster, Bunnie. And when I say monster, I refer to your issue AND the so-called "person" that is making this worse for you. If you want to send me a PM, I'll be glad to listen and can maybe even relate to whatever is happening. I can't speak for all of us, but I know you're not the only one with demons we haven't shared. I know I have my share. Remember that no one can take anything away from you, not your will, not your courage, and certainly not your power. Although I don't know the situation driving this, I would bet that whoever this "person" is, they have to try to boost their own self-esteem by trying to take yours away. Don't let them do it. I know it's easier said than done but recognize them for who they are........someone who obviously has nothing else going for them so they have to hurt someone to feed the self-loathing they feel.

As you can tell, like Anna said, just thinking about this really pisses me off. So, much love to you my friend. Don't let the bastards get you down.

Bunnie, the person who is using your illness against you is ill, too. I'm glad, though, that it is starting to come forward. It really is true: We are only as sick as our secrets.

There are some things I've gone through that I just could not post here, knowing ANYONE can read it. I really guard my boundaries. I have to, because they were entirely violated when I was a child/adolescent.

I will send you a PM. I'm glad you have trusted us because you have held the pain in for so long, it sounds like.

((((((((((Bunnie))))))))))

Bunnie ,

I know about the panic box ,or the black box or the locked room..that place where all the dark things go ,ive got a huge one .

I too am convinced the issues and incedents through my childhood and later life have played a massive part in my illness .

If you want to pm me feel free but I totally respect your privacy.im an old hand at not opening up so I totally understand anyone not wanting to .

I dont know if this is the right or wrong thing to do but my thing when an issue or person haunts me too much is to drop them off the planet .I visualise them falling off the face of the earth getting smaller and smaller as they vanish into the depths of space ,I must admit they are usually screaming too .

Sometimes they come back..well normally they do but I can always drop them again ..this isnt as good as facing the issue I know .

One thing I do wonder about is how much help facing the person would be ,if they are so hidiously sick and evil as to use your illness to make you feel worse then its unlikley they will do anything other than they always have .Such people never admit to being wrong or acknowledge the pain they cause .

I'm not saying you should or shouldnt ,thats your call..and yours alone .

I know I cant make it go away but I can tell you you are worth 10 of someone who hurts and devalues the helpless or vunerable .And your courage and decency will prevail .

I have to face this person, my child is at stake. And right now not really caring how much of this I share publicly. After visiting with a preacher relative of my hubs family I found out that in the last several years my MIL has made me look like a monster. She tells them I neglect my kids and she is scared to leave my daughter with me for even a few hours.

She never mentioned to them that I was ill. She never told them I was hospitalized, she never told them I am being treated and sure as hell didn't tell them I was in school. Instead she kept me from family functions so that ppl couldn't see how much my baby loves me. I wondered why they acted strangely around me and now I know. From what they have heard I live in a pig sty, never feed or bathe them and neglect and abuse them. And all this time she has been actively gathering info to make me look "unfit". Now I am pissed.

Pissed is good for me. If I am pissed I am not afraid and not intimidated. She even told the uncle that we were sinners and she thought my baby should be raised christian... I am pagan. I allow my children to choose their own spiritual path. If they want to go to church, that is fine with me. I will support them.

Everything that went on those years I was cooped up here she totally exaggerated to anyone that would listen. I don't care what others think of me but I do care what child services thinks. And from what I have been told she is wanting to fight me for custody. Good F*cking luck bitch. You done gone and pissed the wrong bitch off. Time for me to quit being a whiny twit and get my kid back.

I sure hope she finds this.

OMG!! grrrr!! This PISSES ME OFF!! I am so sorry you have to go through this! Why are people so damn cruel?? It boggles my mind. Your MIL sounds like she is very ill--insane like. From the little bit you say, she sounds like a complete monster. In my fam, we had a similar situation with my bro's ex-freak-of-a-wife. She got into his computer, put their daughter in the middle of everything, yadda yadda yadda. I killed her in so many different ways in my head...LOL.

All you can do is stand and fight for what you have and for what you KNOW is RIGHT! I'm here if you need an ear!!

*sending positive juju*

~Coll~