Adoption Support Group

i raised my son for 4 years 9 months and 22 days. I have some mental health issues, alcoholism of and on, and could not afford to take care of us. My disfunctional family was hurting him and sometimes i got angry and did things i hope he never remembers. On july 22 of 2010 i walked into a Office of Childrens Services and asked them to take my son in and that i could not care for him. Some family came to the meeting to finalize this and they hated me and cried but no one opted to take him in. I was not in a state where ALL my family was there. I started a plan to get back on my feet. treatment, counseling... I didnt do it. i got pregnant one month later and had an abortion. I hated everything my son would act out when he saw me at visits they blamed all his bad behavior on me. He has anger issues and ADD> I should have taken care of him better. I should have done anything for him i should have given my life for him. Four months after him going in i asked his foster parents what they thought about him staying permanently with them and them adopting him. they were so so thankful and understanding at my choice. It was best for him. he was doing to well. i just wanted him to have a chancec at a normal life, a family, not worrying about where to sleep at night, where to eat, being clean. I love him so much that sometimes i cannot believe i did that. why did i not try harder.. what the hell is wrong with me. I cry everyday for him. i think of him all the time. I want to call and i can call but im afraid to talk to him. Does he hate me? he never wants to talk to me. Does he remember all the bad things i did. not protecting him, is he mad that i just gave him to strangers one day. He calls me by my first name now. I feel so lost without him. My family quietly morns the loss of my son, the first nephew, grandson, the first child brought into my family. everyone loved him. some hurt him. i have another son now, but he doesnt feel the void i have for my boy.he is the most awesome little boy. i love my son i gave away more than my new baby. will this change? will i ever get over this? i miss him i miss him i want to hold him.... i need him... How do i live with this?

Englishgal,

it's hard to give up a child, but you have to believe that giving them up is for their best interest. You'll have to keep reminding yourself of what is best for him. I'm not sure what else to tell you as I haven't exactly been in your position. I hope this helps.

SP

Im really sorry to hear about your situation. I too gave up my children as I knew at the time I could not meet all their needs. I now regret this decision too, as I am being asessed by a psych for bipolar and the social work dept are persuing adoptin of one of my kids (the other two are with their father). I think you made a very brave decision but it is so hard too deal with the loss for years to come. I dont know why you feel you cannot make the choices you ultimately want to,but there may be some underlying issues that make it very difficult for you. I hope things get better for you and I know by my frienfs experiences that things can get better in the future. I dont know all the legal stuff so I dont know about how to get him back. The way he is scting is probanly because he loves you, as my kids did this for a while too. You are so fortunate to have a wee kid with you. I know it doesnt make your loss any less tho. All you can do is concentrate on right now and I hear that apparently the pain gets easier to deal with in time. I knw its hard but try to keep the phone calld going and if you dont get him back the now you will when.he is old enough to make his own choices. Sorry I could not be more help, my heart goes out to you

I put my 3 boys up a few years ago due to being unable to care for them. I really urge you as hard as it is to keep the phone calls and other forms of contact you have going with him. I now regret the fact an wander everyday how they look now, what they are doing, if they are healthy. I know you may not understand me saying this but enjoy that little peice of mind that you can have knowing that you talk to him and can know about him. I will never again know or see mine. if you do not keep in contact and lose that you will be left wandering and trust me, its hard to deal with. I would give anything just to know that they are ok. I have heard it gets easier to deal with as time goes on but it hasnt for me yet.