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09/06/2012 05:25 PM

why do i always think I can do this alone?

sjen22
 
Posts: 4
New Member

For some reason after I have been clean for 2-3 weeks I feel I am cured. Like I can do this all on my own. Then the day comes and I slip and think oh one more time is ok. Wrong! I know this but why cant I remember this? So I've used once more and now I feel like an idiot! I want to be clean and stay clean. I don't want to keep ruining it with the one more time attitude. I guess I'm just terrified of the clean me. im not sure I like myself that much and It gets harder after every relapse. I need some advice for keeping my head on straight!! : )
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09/07/2012 08:17 AM
mobey
mobey  
Posts: 201
Member
I'm an Advocate

hello jen,

It took me 7 yrs to actually get pass three months clean, and like you id go few months following my program (or so i thought) and after awhile i started to think i dont need my drug counsellor anymore im sure others could benefit from it more than me now. I stop going to meetings,having coffee with my sponsor, then one day i had a huge disapointment or maybe it was a stressful week emotionly and first thing i thought was What the hell! im only going have one hit just to relax me that way i can stay focus and deal with my crap.. Little by little i forgot my tools,id start justifying my reasons why i was using and soon enough i was right back at rock bottom road..wanting to die again.

This is how i finally got 4 years clean but... i dont look at it as 4 yrs i look at it as TODAY im clean, past is gone and tomorrow might never come right?

first and formost get yourself a STRONG support system, so when craving hits you have few people you can reach. I remember the first person i sponsered, she would always say everytime i tried calling you i didnt want leave vm im not comfortable to do that ,my response was... that is NOT an excuse you could call anyone on your emercency plan we did together. Addicts will find reasons not to do the things we know we should be doing,thats how our addictive personality blinds us and fools us from the real truth.

Once you have your support system set up, Find a NA workbook for 12 steps work with your sponsor or a clean friend that can help you go through the steps. Also if you feel doubtful about yourself go to meetings,if you dont feel safe and your thinking mess up Go to NA meeting or stay close to your sponsor like glue until you feel more certain you can go on.

Keep a peronal inventory about yourself every night look back and see where your recovery could be at risk. For first year, cut all friendships fro using days,stay away from people and places that will trigger you and put you in a bad situation and that is also putting your recovery at risk. Im not sure about you but as far my recovery concern i learned NEVER go somewhere or do something that will put my recovery at risk.

The biggest thing for me was to face reality, deal with my shame and guilt i had over the things ive done to my kids,my famiy and myself. Had to change my way of thinking andd doing things, i was a using addict for over 20 yrs and in those 20 years ive live a life that included lies,manipulation,denial,fantasy, and no responsibility. When i got clean i was overwelm with WOW HOW DO I FIX MYSELF NOW, how do i learn to live again with a differant set of morals and values. Every emotion you have buried deep inside will come back out and this time you have to slay your inner dragons and not run and numb yourself to forget the pain.

First year is crucial,this is why you need make a EMERGENCY safty plan that way if you are faced with something that triggers you someone got your back. We are also here for you ,you can come vent, share your fear or concerns, one thing i do know there are always signs when you are about to relapse you just need stay intune with yourself at all times. Eventually you will get stronger and things that trigger you now wont matter much anymore but dont kid yourself ADDICTION has no cure and the minute you use again you awaken your addiction personality and behaviour and soon enough you are right back to where you once were.


09/10/2012 01:47 PM
kball
kball  
Posts: 956
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

You know you want to get clean and stay clean ,that is a huge step. Stop beating yourself up and stick to the program . Don't keep thinking about what you have done in the past and that you might fail again,that won't get you anywhere. Learn from the past what you can and let the rest go. When I would think just one more time, I had to start playing the big picture out in my head to finally realize there is no one more time. I had to9 start being on with myself and you do to. You know there is not just one more time. One more hit is never enough for us,it just makes us want more. You have to decide ,the reality is I can't have another hit because it will end up with --------------------. You fill in the blank of your reality. What does using again end up as? That is the big picture and you being honest. Then after thinking about all that then ask yourself do you really think taking another hit is worth losing myself and my world and loved ones again. When you want to use or are going to use again ,which I hope doesn't happen but if it does stop take 15 seconds ,please and be honest with yourself and play the whole picture out in your head,not just the getting high part but play it thru,what happens when the high is gone and how you feel and what you want out of life and for yourself.

You are not alone ,come on here and chat with us when you are craving,just 1o mins of your time to save your life!!!!

Kris


10/02/2012 02:01 PM
iluvmyson
Posts: 32
Member

that is my fear for my son.....he is in a PHP rehab now as an outpatient. He has just gotten a job which will give him a purpose (just graduated college and moved back to home state). Thinks he can use heroin "recreationally" and thinks "just once more" is ok. However this week I am seeing signs of a difference in attitude as he has stayed away from the old user friends. I can't lock him in his room - but I'm afraid after one good week that he thinks he has this "under control." I have also told him about this site. Hopefully he will get on. He hasn't gone to NA yet, or gotten a sponsor. Should that be what he does so he can get through the weekends? We cannot be with him all the time either of course.....Any advice for me (or him) would be appreciated. Tks.

10/18/2012 02:09 PM
iluvmyson
Posts: 32
Member

after 3 weeks, I am beginning to feel my son is back to old habits - seeing old friends who "were" users.......He's getting defensive around us again and thinks we are micromanaging him. he is still in an outpatient program but getting tired of that. is it right for me to feel suspicious? i think i know the answer.............so I challenge him, and he says he's used again......where do i go from here in dealing with him?

10/19/2012 10:26 AM
kball
kball  
Posts: 956
Group Leader
I'm an Advocate

Yes you have the right to be suspicious. When I was using I would lie to be able to keep using. I would say anything to keep my using from being interrupted. How he is acting it sounds like he is using.

You can just keep offering him help when he is ready. Let him know you are there for him when he is ready for it. Yes NA would help him during the weekends. It could be a good start to getting him help. There are meetings for family members also. NA sponsors them.

You can't do anything else until he wants to get clean for real and forever. It sounds like he has not hit his rock bottom yet. Every addict has to hit a rock bottom before being ready to quit. Everyone's rock bottom is different.

I know you are in pain watching him. Keep your boundaries,don't enable him. That just hurts him and you in nthe long run.

Tell him his options for help. You might have to repeat this over and over again. remind him that all addicts started just doing it once in awhile. We all thought we could just dabble and we would be ok. Drugs end up either in jail,institutions,or death. If you don't get clean.

You are doing an awesome job in reaching out and trying to help your son. Remember to take care of you tho. You are a good and loving mom.

We are here for you.

Kris

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