Addiction Recovery Support Group

Post edited by: Nicole5681, at: 04/18/2008 17:36

Welcome Nicole, I am so sorry you are in this situation. It is a good idea to get the kids out of that environment for now. They don't need to be around that. They need the help you are willing to give! They can't depend on their parents.

Your brother probably didn't stop doing drugs and won't without help from professionals. Most people can't stop on their own. He needs to get into a treatment program and then a group afterwards. It isn't easy to stay in recovery without support people and being around healthy relationships. His girlfriend using doesn't help his situation at all. She can't support him to get help if she isn't willing to go herself. He also needs to want to go for help. Going for someone else won't work for very long. It builds up resentments. Does he want help? Is he willing to do anything to get healthy? How are the kids in all of this?

I am sorry that your parents haven't been supportive of you. It isn't easy being molested and have the ones you love turn on you. I belong to the sexual abuse group here and the people are great. I would encourage you to join that group for yourself.

If you need anything, you can PM me anytime. I will do my best to help and am a great listener.

Your Friend, Chris

Post edited by: Nicole5681, at: 04/18/2008 17:37

You are doing a great job already! Just letting them know that you are there for them and that you care is alot. They need some stability in their lives. Is the mom willing to get help? She is hurting those boys with her actions and needs help too.

I would tell the boys the truth. Let them know that there is a problem and that the parents are sick. Tell them what it is but don't go into details. Tell them that they need to get help and the boys need to stay with someone else so their parents can get healthy. Let them know that they can come to you anytime and that what they say is safe with you. Ask them if they have anyone that they would like to talk to. Maybe a counselor or a teacher?

Make sure they know that addiction is a disease and that the parents aren't bad people, that it isn't their fault ( they didn't cause it and can't stop it), they aren't alone (millions of families have addiction problems), It is ok to talk about their feelings and what has been going on. There are meetings for children called alateen. they could go and talk to kids in the same situation. There are also meetings for you called alanon. They may be able to help.

These children are lucky to have you. I hope that you can continue to help them. Don't get confused with enabling the parents and helpng the children. The parents need to get help and that's it. Good Luck!

My thoughts and prayers are with you! Your Friend, Chris

Post edited by: Nicole5681, at: 04/18/2008 17:37

Recovery isn't just stopping the addiction. it is dealing with all of the negative beaviors that go along with it. She isn't taking care of those boys the way she should. The anger comes from not being able to do what she wants when she wants. She is afraid that your brother will stop and then she might have to. Addicts don't like change. She is trying to prove that she is a good mother because deep down inside she is ashamed of her behaviors. It may not show but I can almost know that for sure. There is a reason for the drug use and all of that needs to get sorted out. Your brother will probably become resentful and angry when he quits. It is called a "dry drunk". He still won't be happy because he hasn't dealt with the the underlying cause or the feelings he has about his behaviors. they only quit for a short period of time and will likely do the same if it is done without help.

Those boys need someone in their life that is stable. If she isn't willing to let you have them, you may have to threaten her with going to the authoities or social services. She isn't in her right mind now and isn't thinking of what is best for those boys. She is thinking of her next fix. Do you reeally want those boys to live like this? It is better if you can let them stay with you than have someone else report it and have them taken away to a foster home. It is only a matter of time with the way she is treating them.

I hope that she comes to her sences and lets them have a happy life. Keep in touch and keep trying to get those boys. At least until they get clean for awhile.

Your Friend, Chris

Post edited by: Nicole5681, at: 04/18/2008 17:37

GOOD for YOU! Stick to your guns and help those boys. She sounds pretty mesed up. She isn't good for any of them right now. her mind is altered by the drugs. Even if she stops for a little bit it will not change. Her behaviors aren't acceptable at all. I have made mistakes as a mom but never did I not want custody of them. They have been an active part of my recovry. They went through alot and needed help as much as I did. I didn't want them to become an addict or alcoholic. I thought that giving them a head start in recovery would help and so far it has. Only one of them drinks and it is in moderation. They also know about healthy relationships and that it is ok to ask for help. Way more than I had as a child. Hopefully your brother will get the help he needs with or without her. He needs to take back his life.

I saw that ou joined the other group. I big step for you! Congratulations! I hope you find the group as helpful as I have. Keep up the great work with the boys and yourself. Big Hug to you! Friends, Chris

Post edited by: Nicole5681, at: 04/18/2008 17:37

Nicole, OkI guess that maybe you should wait and see what happens. Take some time to work on yourself and let the boys know that you are there for them. You are doing the best you can right now and they aren't cooperating with you kindness. I don't think that they are serious about getting help for the drugs!

What would have happened if you wouldn't have gotten them an apartment? Maybe they need to have consequences for their behaviors! You can't keep taking on their responsibilities. Can you? They have to know that the kids will eventually get taken away if they keep this up! They don't have a stable home for them and kids need that. They wouldn't have aa home if it wasn't for you. He is lucky to have yoou in his life. He is playing the victim with " I can't live without the kids" It is only until they get help! What kind of father is he now? Wouldn't they be better off being apart for a little while and have healthy parents? I would just wait and see what happens right now. Give it a few days and see if the mom goes back to the same things. See if your brother is serious about help.

It is a tough situation to be in and I can only give you advice. See if ther is anyone in your area that you can talk to. In an alanon meeting or something. they would help alot and won't tell the authorities.

Take care, Chris