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well i guess that is the definition of addiction isn't it? but i dont know. It's the stupidest thing in the world. I can't stop overdosing on sleeping pills. I mean, well no, I could easily stop, but i dont want to, but i dont want to be on them all the time. i dont even know whats going on. Ok heres the situation. I have had terrible insomnia pretty much my entire life for which ive tried every cure imaginable to no avail (and that includes suffocating myself until i pass out thats how frustraiting it is). My mom doesnt believe me that i cant sleep (she thinks i am conspiring against myself and staying up all night on purpose because you know i just love to be completly exhausted all day long!) My doctor agrees with her. So i tried sleeping pills in the reccomended dosage and that didnt help me sleep so i started taking more (10 to 20 a night) and found that even though i dont sleep through the night (i wake up about 10 times a night) i feel amazingly refreshed in the morning and am never tired during the day. and all was well for a while. But i dont have enough money to buy enough sleeping pills to support my habit and recently have resorted to stealing them. not good. also they have been affecting me in weird (bad?) ways. the build up in my system is making the physical effects somewhat permanent (a lot of facial twitching, the world feels as though it lacks friction, my jaw is always slightly agape as i dont think to keep my mouth closed, i am very pale sometimes like a corpse, and my coordination is slightly off). Those arent so bad, i even like the feeling of no friction, but there are some bad ones too. I've been having seizures, not the fall on the floor jerking uncontrollably kind, more like the zone out and lose reality for a while kind. not good as i will have my lisence and be driving soon. I've also been hallucinating which is ok at night when i take the pills and am laying down alone but they aren't just at night any more. I walked out of my house this morning and thought i was about walk right into someone so i stopped short and the person disappeared right in front of me. I cant begin to imagine what my neighbors must have thought. And i know that taking so many pills is not good for my liver. i mean for gods sake im 17! i am way too young to be worrying about liver failure. i guess what i want is for it to be like it used to be when the sleeping pills only affected me at night. i dont really know what to do. no, i do know what to do but i dont want to do it... arrgghhh! Help. words of wisdom? i dont want to seizure and die I dont want my liver to fail and die. I dont want to die, i just want to be able to sleep like a normal fing human being! omg  |
