I question every move he makes

Any advise anyone has would be awesome right about now.

Thanks for listening!

Post edited by: TREY, at: 02/03/2008 19:59

Anyways, what you are feeling is very normal. You want to watch every move he makes to see if he is getting drugs. You pay extra attention to what he says to see if he lies.

I did the same thing. I gave up my own life and sanity to monitor him. It destroyed my soul and nearly our marriage. Eventhough you really cannot trust an addict, you have to understand that they are an individual capable of making their own decisions. You are not keeper, but his fiance.

I never know when my husband is high either, and it is very distrurbing. Listening to your instinct, it is usually right. If he is high get out of the house, go somewhere else. You must change your behaivor to show that you will not tolerate the drug use. (ie: remove yourself from the situation if he is high, if he has used the rent money for drugs, don't cover for his bill. If he is out at friends and can't drive home because he is high, leave him there). These are all very hard steps to take, but it is called tough love. The goal is to make using drugs as uncomfortable as possible for the addict.

I imagine that you want everything to be "normal", You want to trust him, love him, take care of him. When you are in love with addict (either in recovery or active addiction) the drug becomes part of the family and will be always knocking on the door. Whether or not the addict answers the door, we have no control over. But we cannot let it rule our lives.

Focus on yourself right now. Heal yourself. Join a support group. There are many resources available for those whose famliies are affected by addiction.

Please let me know if I can help you in any way

AMy

Keep your head up

I am going to a family support group, and they outlined what is called the systems of change model. it describes where the addict is in the cycle, I will give you a summary

1. Precontimplative: they do not know they have a problem

2. Contempative: They are becoming more aware of the problem but can slip easily back into denial

3. Action: This is the stage were they take action to help themselves

4. Maitenance: sober living but with difficulty

5.Termination: sober living seems normal

I totally udnerstand why you gathered all the info and what not, I did it to. I learnt somethign somewhat interseting in one of my meetings. The counsellors said that the ADDICT has to be the one to take those steps. If you push it to much on them.. they can go back to earlier stages. the addiction is there problem.. so they find the solutions.

I am unsure what is means that your partner wants you to do the work. He may just be lazy.. or a form of procrastination becaues you are already a busy women

It is hard to let go of a loved one, especially when they are mentally unwell. You have said that you have trouble with the concept of him "falling on his face" I totally understand because as humans it is our nature to care for those we love. The problem is, it allows the addict to keep using in a comfortable environment.

When we let the addict experience every single horrible consequence of his using, his environment will become uncomfortable.. and thats when they start to seriously think about getting help.

It is a very difficult thing to put into practice. I would suggest reading books on enabling, detatchemnt and Melody Beattie's Codependent No More.

You really can't do anything else for him except allow him to feel his pain. It is very important right now to focus on you and your children. Your happiness, peace, sanity, and feelings come first. Do not sit around and wait for your addict. get out and live the life you deserve!!

Take Care, you are doing great!

Amy