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05/01/2012 08:45 PM

i hate pills.

duhhhjess
duhhhjess  
Posts: 8
Member

I haven't had an Adderall since February 11, 2011. I spent a day in outpatient rehab and it scared the living hell out of me, so I never went back and went through the withdrawals without help. I'm so thankful I haven't relapsed with the Adderall, but every now and then I get the itch to take an unprescribed pill--preferably a narcotic.

Last night I did 11 shots of chocolate vodka and 3 lines of percocet. I drove home, took my Klonapin, Zoloft, and Ambien on top of all that. I cried my eyes out today and have realized how much I hate taking pills. I wasn't unhappy before I started my Klonapin and Zoloft, I just thought I needed a magic pill to make me numb like the Adderall did and they have. My mom swears up and down that I need my Klonapin and Zoloft, but I'm ready to face life on my own again.

Once an addict, always an addict and I absolutely hate myself at times for how much I still love pills.

Can anybody relate?

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05/02/2012 04:19 PM
zaylia
zaylia  
Posts: 2657
Senior Member

i can relate to some of that. im sure the others here too. i hate so much how much i love to use things. probably because its a quick fix. its something you can hold and go this can make me feel better. addiction can be simple. i myself am addicted to addiction itself. what upsets you? when youre sober. what helps you? the substance. whats your main goal in life? to get high. i also go oh well this is my excuse to procrastinate... its not that simple for me anymore. i use mostly out of habit the last few months.

i want to congratualte you on getting off adderral!!! sick sick stuff. my body has been damaged ever since i abused it.good for you having that determination. you quit that, youre most certainly capable of quitting others


05/02/2012 07:38 PM
duhhhjess
duhhhjess  
Posts: 8
Member

I feel like I go from one extreme to another. And its hard to find a job being an addict. My anxiety has gotten so bad even with meds that sometimes I'll freak out in a crowded grocery store, which leads to my depression. I just wish my mom understood how hard it is for me sometimes to do everyday things because of the addiction.

05/03/2012 07:45 AM
jenny1978
jenny1978  
Posts: 2599
VIP Member

Hey duhhhjess. I am a recovering addict. I mostly abused LARGE amounts of opiates, but I would do any drug I could get my hands on, except crack. I did meth and coke and heroin and.........everything, but my main two drugs of choice were Oxycontin and Methadone. I haven't ABUSED an opiate in 5 and a half years. The last day I abused an opiate was October 8,2006. Anyway, I am ADHD, so I do take a stimulant medication for that. I was on Adderall for a long time, but now I am on Dexedrine and have been for years and years. I also take Klonopin and several other medications. I understand you EXACTLY when you say that you just want to stop the pills and that you weren't unhappy until you started the klonopin and zoloft. When I was coming off of 540mg of Methadone cold turkey, I obviously had some depression. Well, the doctor tried me on a few different meds and since my body reacted a specific way to them, she then diagnosed me as being bipolar! SOOOOOOOOOOO, I was treated with very strong anti-psychotics for almost 7 years! And my psychiatric nurse even agreed that I did not suffer from bipolar, but they kept treating me with it. My sister and mom both said that I NEVER even had bipolar symptoms until I started those meds. I was just really vulnerable at that time and listened to the dr. SOrry that this is a little off topic, but I just wanted you to know that I know how you feel. I have been off of the anti-psychotics completely since February 13th and I feel so much better. I am here if you need or want to talk. Or if you just need to vent. Feel free to send me a message any time!

05/03/2012 10:22 AM
zaylia
zaylia  
Posts: 2657
Senior Member

sorry your mom doesnt get it. but she cant.. my mom is a mental health addcitions specialist and still doesnt understand because im her baby. i dont go in public almost ever anymore. but when i do, the number of freak outs i have had are in the dozens. for me htought that comes from sensory overload and general anxiety. so my whole life ive done that. but the same thing happens with addiction. your senses and anxiety go all wonky. thats why ive never had a job more than 2 months. i know it must be able to get better though, especially once sober for like 6 months. just learning and growing, ive got hope. lots of time. you do too, so thats an upside. i finally accepted my mom being so lost about my ways this last couple months. still hurts though. it blopws her mind one single day can be so difficult for someone
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