| Dual Diagnosed Bipolar - Truth or Tarnish!? |
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| Written by JR1 | |
| 06 May 2007 | |
 Sometimes I wish I had never been born with ego and pride. Those two things have caused me a lot of pain.
We bipolar folk are often volatile and sensitive toward what others think and say about us. I have found for myself that the "volatile and sensitive" aspect of my nature may work against me.
At least twenty times in my life, people had suggested that I am an
alcoholic. At least a hundred times in my life, people had suggested
that I am a jerk. I don't know HOW many doctors suggested that I am
manic depressive (bipolar)..... Of course, I told all of them to go to
hell. After all, what do THEY, these strangers, know about ME!? How
DARE they besmirch me with their lies and accusations!
What DO other people know, really!? Am I really expected to rely on THEIR opinions and perspectives to see myself as I really am!? How absurd to think that I don't know my own self--that other people may see the truth about me when I can't see it for myself! Years later, this staunch defense of my ego and my pride cost me everything I thought I had valued--home, family, job, health, hope--EVERYTHING, except desperation. I began treatment for alcoholism, I had no friends (no one would have anything to do with me), and a doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. Now in recovery, I have had many opportunities to see how much I had sacrificed over the years merely to protect my ego and my pride. I wanted to apologize to all those throughout my years who had tried to help me see the truth about myself. It has been a hard won lesson, but today I understand the value of listening to others and trying to see myself through their eyes. I have found that there is always some truth in everything others say or do--that, when I listen carefully without judgment, I may hear that truth and benefit from the knowledge. I learned also, when I send the message that I don't want to hear what you have to say, you will generally make sure that I don't! Most of all I have learned that, when I rise up with indignance or rage against others for what they say about me, I am usually wrong in some way--I am usually deceiving myself, afraid of the truth. When that happens, I know that it is a warning to me to look closely at myself. I know today that when a friend or acqaintance offers an observation or a criticism, it is done mostly out of care and concern. I know that their words contain more truth than tarnish. Thank you all for helping me to see the truth about myself. --Jim-- www.cerebral-storm.com/page7.html www.cerebral-storm.com/page13.html |
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