|Mar 11 2011|
Well, not really. I'm just done trying for the most part.
I haven't written anything in here because everything has been kind of back and forth, serious mood swings for the pastweek, buts its calmed down into a not quite content limbo for the time being.
Tuesday I got offered a job finally. Its minimum wage, not quite full time for now. In April it will turn into a real position with real money. I'm quite grateful for the interim paycheck though.
Wednesday I told her straight up I needed to know if this was moving towards divorce or not. That either she had to file or we had to go to counseling. She wants to file for divorce. I'm angry and upset but calm. This means that I do not have to pretend to be her husband anymore when she refuses to be my wife. I get to 'give up' more or less. I still love her, I'd probably still take her back although with a stack of conditions, but I'm not pursuing her anymore. My only obligations now are with my son and myself.
I will go to work, I will live, I will date if I want to, whatever. I'm not going to sit around wondering what she is doing or what she thinks about what I'm doing.
I love her, but I refuse to let our marriage eat me alive, I refuse to think of myself as a failure.
In the end the bulk of my anger towards her came from her refusal to try. The affair damn near killed me honestly, I went crazy with some sort of rage/depression for quite some time there, but then even after alledgedly ending the affair she still insists that she just flat does not love me. I couldn't cope with that anymore.
Lost Sunday Night
Woke up about the same as last night
Thursday... I'm alive at least.
Friday, transient again tomorrow.
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