You're Standing On My Throat

This morning I got out of bed after another night of super patchy sleep and just... I don't know.  Yesterday I went grocery shopping and asked Rick to give the animals fresh water while I was gone, and went outside this morning and he had forgotten to do it, and had even forgotten to put the goats in and feed them, so I was pissed, and came back in to a MESS of a kitchen that I haven't eaten in in several days, so I started cleaning up, and just got even more pissed, said "FUCK THIS!" and slammed off to my room, remembering, of course, to get the dry clothes out of the dryer so I could fold them since Sarah was of course still in bed.  *shakes head*  Rick is in his last week of school and has been staying home to get his final projects done, so of course she is having him wait on her hand and foot instead of helping him to get done, and this morning her excuse was that the baby woke her up early, so Rick had to take the baby so she could go back to bed, instead of letting him work on his final projects.  I was so fucking pissed that I just couldn't stand it anymore, I knew I was going to cut, so I asked Rick to come take my toolbox which is full of tissue blades and scalpels and exacto knives.  I finally called the HealthCore admission number, and when the guy asked me if I was suicidal, I burst into tears and admitted to him that yes, I was.  He made an appointment for me for the afternoon and told me to have Rick drive me there, so I was really freaked that they were going to hospitalize me.  I shook and hyperventilated for the whole drive.

They didn't hospitalize me, but I am signed up for a three month program through them that hopefully will put me in contact with a psychiatrist and a decent counselor.  I haven't eaten for a few days, so Rick suggested that we grab a bite, but before we were even out of the parking lot of the clinic Sarah was blowing up his phone, demanding that he come home because *GASP* she was alone with the kids and *GASP* actually had to take care of them.  He told her we weren't coming home just yet, so she continuously called him with continuous demands as we are eating and picking up the shit that she wanted from the store.  I am out of weed which means I am even worse than usual, so we were waiting to hear back from a girl, and Sarah kept calling telling Rick to come home, and he told her he would be home as soon as he took care of something, so she hung up and then called back and told him if we brought any illegal drugs into the house she would call the cops, then she hung up on him.

I fucking FLIPPED.  I told him that I would call CPS due to her outright neglect of her girls, and basically just unloaded all over him about what a piece of shit I think she is, and about how I am having to take the whole load of the household responsibilities since she won't do ANYTHING, and got into the whole disagreement we have about me having kids, and just... yeah, not good.