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MDJunction to me

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it allows me to give it back...so few people truly comprehend chronic illness...but MDJ...allows you to meet and converse with people who do and who who care...i love MDJ." (Greytabby)

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Working toward PEACE

Today was a painful day. Lots of electric shooters all over my body and head. Had a fight with Greg and really felt the connection between stress and my pain not to mention a raise in my blood sugars. Insurance denied the new prescription for me CYMBALTA? So now I have to call and fight them on this on Monday. More stress. I saw Mandy today and it was good to spend time with her. She played the guitar for me and sang to me. I loved it! I needed it. Hope to sleep tonight! Going to try now. ...Read More

Lonely and missing my old body!

Aug 01 2010

I am sitting here missing my health. feeling the totality of what I have lost in the past years. feeling sad stuck in this body in this bed in this bedroom. I miss beingsocial and being able to walk and play with the dogs and get up and cook for my family. Damn it WHY! I feel I am being punished and can not find a reason or anything I have done that the payback could be this cruel. I have made many mistakes and have caused pain in my life but never anything to equal this pain and loss. SO why? I feel so much guilt. My poor children. Now it is all they remember. I HATE that for them. WIll they remember before the decline when we went to the zoo and parks etc.? I hate night time. I cramp and all I can do is worry about tomorrow and the long hard wees ahead of me. Three and four days of dr and therapy and getting rides all over town,. More guilt! Also I am getting fat and I HATE that. I want to exercise and I can not get shoes on. I want a stationary low rider bike???? Maybe that would work? I can wear my socks then.

Previous diary posts by angiepangie39:

Watching life pass by outside my bedroom window
Watching life pass by outside my bedroom window
another low blood sugar
new med Trileptal
feeling trapped in my body

vitamin b12 shot at home
A day off from doctors appointments
exhausting day today
A new pain specialist tomorrow!
neuropathy pain sucks

Comments (1) Add Comment

written by JonsMom07, August 02, 2010

Mu dearest Angie...since I know your children I know they will remember the zoo and the times at the park and all the times you made them laugh. They will remember your being there when they cried, when they went to school and read their little notes you put in their lunches. They will remember you celebrating their successes and holding their hands through their failures. You raised to wonderful kids and I know they don't see the sick mom like you think they do they just see you, because no matter how much your physical form changes you are still Angie at your core and that is what they will always remember.

Of course they worry about you and try to help you out but that's what kids who love their mother do. I am so sorry that you are having a rough patch and I wish more then anything I could ease your pain and suffering. Just know in your heart of hearts that those of us who know and love you know the true you regardless of you being sick.

I also know how much the weight gain bothers you and how much you have an inner struggle with it. Nothing I can say is going to ease that for you so I won't even try. Just know that I am here for you and I hear what you are saying. You can always count on me to just listen. We both have struggled for many, many years with the weight thing and it's just as hard today as it ever was isn't it? I have no answers as to why this is happening to you but I know it's not because of something you did or didn't do. It has nothing to do with your past and the pain you may or may not have caused. Sometimes its just genetics and there is nothing we can do about our genes. Know what I mean jelly bean? (he he he my own silly attempt at humor in the midst of suffering)

I think that anything you can do to exercise would be great even if you do it in socks and no shoes. When you go to pt therapy they will have all kinds of ideas and suggestions about what you can do. Have no fears my friend it will get better because you deserve for it to. I love you Bestie. Sleep well. Talk to you soon.