So just wanted to say happy belated 4th of july and hope everyone enjoyed their day with  family and friends, didn't have much time to write because i went to bbq and realized i should have stayedhome. Just an update, i haven't cut in one week but its like i find myself more and more depressed and feel like i should.  I realized also at my family's bbq how much i am teased about my weight or just joked on about being big, its like i get snickers and stares. This made me stay upstairs yesterday in my cousin bedroom, the only person who accepted me and i ever felt close with was my father and now that he has been gone for quite some time and its like i miss him everyday. My mother doesn't understand me, and it hurts that i feel she doesn't love me anymore, like she wishes i wasn't in the house with her or anything. The constant talking underneath her breath and the way she looks me just reassures me. Like she says she wants to sell the house, and cant wait until i leave and things of that nature. Like next semester, I have classes until 9' o clock in the night, so i wont see her as much and I will try to just stay out her way.
     Herself and my family always jokes about me and i never could speak to them about anything, and when i try to speak to my mother and tell her that i want to speak with a psychiatrist because i know these feelings that i have aren't normal  and their is so much more and i feel they can help me suppress the emotions and she just laughs and tells me they will make me crazy, she becomes so closed minded. Often times my depression does affect everything i do and rather just stay home  and just stare out the window. My brother often time makes fun of me for just staying home and tells me i have no friends and  just honestly hurts my feelings. Often times i feel like just running away or just end it all and maybe everyone will stop bothering me and i wont have to feel this way anymore. As for my weight, its like i want to wake up and wish i was a different person, its like i feel like trying to deprive myself or even vomit foods, because maybe if i was smaller and they accepted me i wouldn't be teased as much. I often wonder what do people actually like about me, whats my purpose here? I may never know...