What am I doing?

Went to my daughter's friends birthday party Sunday, it was really nice to "mingle" with other adults without my ex. I felt out of place and a bit awkward but I still enjoyed it, knowingI will relax around normal people eventually.

I had a couple of angry messages on the phone but just ignored them.

Monday started and I got to work in time, hearing nothing from the ex all day which made it a good day. Went to my support group in the evening and of course I shut off my cell phone. That is when the ex started calling, needing "help" with something in regards to the business. Six voice mails, the first four really nasty and the two last ones apologetic "oh I went by your place and your car wasn't home, I am sooo sorry I went off on the voice mails". I replied with a call when I got home, but got no answer so I left a message that I had replied. Heard nothing and was happy with that.

Went to work this morning, Tuesday, and felt good, the absence of my ex is a cleansing experience. Around noon he sent an email about breaking up and wanting to be my friend anyway and so forth. I composed a long email to answer him, I will paste it below

I did return your phone call yesterday, around 8.30 pm and left a
message on the voice mail. I have no idea what you are talking about
in regards to chat lines.

I told you many times that I would have to withdraw all together from
you if you kept calling me names and talk to me in derogatory manners
and it just won't stop. The only way I can stop you from abusing me is
to have no contact with you. Even if you are acting ok today, a couple
of days later I know another attack on my person will follow and I am
tired of it. I do not deserve to be abused and I am not going to let
you do it to me or my daughter anymore.

I am sorry if this hurts your feelings, but there is no other way to
stop you from hurting me and my feelings over and over again. All
promises have been broken over and over again which leaves nothing to
work with. For some reason you seem to think that a marriage is a
"master and servant arrangment" where you are the master; but that is
not how I see it and I never will.

I am sorry if I ever gave you the idea that I could be driven so far
down in the mud that I would not object when you walked all over me,
but that is not how I want to end my life and I am not going to.

I believe you need to focus on Michael and his needs, that should be
your prime priority at this point before it is too late for Michael.
You will both be better off without me around trying to impose my
ideas about being consistant, having rules and consequences and
expecting people to be accountable.

I also have a very hard time with getting over you trying to pick up
other women behind my back and telling them lies about me to make me
look bad (while I was at work or at home). That is something that
leaves me with a very nauseating feeling and it has also taken away my
trust in you. Instead of apologizing for those actions, you tried to
lie your way out of the allegations, which told me you will always lie
when you think you will get away with it. I don't think you can build
a marriage on lies.

So, it is not so much what I wanted but what you did that brought me
to this point. You cancelled the counseling that you said you were
willing to undergo to solve the problems, you never wanted to make an
effort to find alternative living arrangements, you kept accusing me
of having affairs and you kept treating me derogatory. You never fixed
my car like you promised and I am still sleeping on the floor. All
this and more combined has finally suffocated whatever I used to feel
for you and I have no hope or interest left.

Abuse does that to people, some gets depressed and can't escape, others get out and away to never return again. I gave you every break possible and you still abused me. It is enough now, which I hope you understand. And if you don't understand what I have gone through and what I am going through, it still won't make a difference. I think you are only capable of feeling sorry for yourself and that is what makes you say things to me that I mistake for regret or honest apologies. If you really meant that you were sorry when you said so, you wouldn't keep repeating the behavior.

I think you think you have the right to be abusive to whoever you
chose, I think you think you can regard everyone with disdain and
contempt, but yet they are supposed to turn right around and tend to
your needs when you demand so. You might have a sense of entitlement
that drives you, I don't know, I honestly can't figure out what drives
you but whatever it is, it drove me away.

I have said before and I will say it again, I am willing to cooperate
with you to make this separation as reasonable and civil as possible.
That we can discuss. If you have any problems with Signs Up books, you
can call and I will help.

I will, however, not go out for coffee, ice cream or soda, I will not
participate in whatever social functions you attend, I will not do
anything that might mislead you to think that we can fix our marriage
because at this point, I truly don't believe we can. And after all the
abuse I have endured, I don't want to fix this marriage anymore, I
can't trust you after all the broken promises and lies you told me.
Love tends to go away if you hurt someone too much and also if you
decieve someone too much.

Sorry if this seems formal but my tears are long gone by now, you can
only cry so much.

Anette

I don't expect him to understand my email, I wrote it more for myself than for him. He called me during the afternoon and wanted to discuss a few practical things on neutral ground and I agreed. He had not seen the email yet. I got delayed twentyfive minutes at work and called as soon as I got out, and he blew up and hung up on me. He might as well, I really didn't want to see him and I don't know what practical matters we had to discuss in person, that can't be handled over the phone. Then I started to get replies to my email above.

The first was a message that he had grown a rose that he was going to leave in my car, I didn't have to thank him. The next message was telling me "ok" and nothing more. The message after that told me how deeply affected he had been by my email and how true it was, how I should know how deeply sorry he was over all this. The last email (for now... I don't think it ends with this) said:

"Well in just  few days you will be all alone and able to go do whatever you fucking heart wants.  Oh I forgot you do that now.  I was not surprised that you didn't make it today.  You always have an excuse.  Good for you.  Just remember that I wanted to end this on a good note and you fucked it up. Best wishes."

So, there went the sincerity in "oh I am so sorry", now he is all focused on telling me how grand he was who wanted to be a gentleman but how I messed that up by having to work over for twentyfive minutes. And the part about me being alone is referring to my daughter going to Sweden for the summer, which in his eyes means I will have a string of men visiting me in my apartment. He thinks it is ok to accuse me of being immoral even after I spent all that time explaining WHY I have arrived at the point I am now with the marriage. It is like I wrote earlier, I wrote more for my own sanity and for the sake of trying than with the anticipation that he would "get it".

I feel pretty good though, finally we are done with the "dance" and the idea that we are trying to resolve any problems, finally I can move towards my freedom, through whatever obstacles he will present me. There is no pretending to try to get back together anymore and it feels really good on my part. I am a bit scared for what he might do, but it is also liberating to know that gloves are now off. I will have to roll with the punches.

Good night world,

Anette