|Jun 22 2012|
Well, I have been absent for sometime. The packing and moving took so much energy. I felt like at every turn, a memory was waiting to ambush me. The drive from far north in North Dakota, to far southin Houston was long and taxing. Arriving in this once familiar place was lovely and yet terrifying. As the family and I settled in, things inside me began to bubble and pop to the surface. The sudden thrust into this once familiar and loved area sent me through emotions for which I found myself unprepared. Something as simple as a once favorite restaurant, or my in-laws house seamed to bring out some agony inside myself. I quickly realized it was how different I had become, the painful choices and things that had gone on, they had not touched this place. I was brought back to a time when I felt loved without question, I was more sure of who I was and what I wanted. More sure of life in general. In my going through with the divorce and working to show my desires were not only there but true and honest, I had asked to be removed from everything, bank accounts, bills, life insurance, insurance. I felt that after all that had gone on I needed to earn my way back, and once we got re married I would then regain all that I had lost, or taken from myself. This was soon a challenge I had not prepared for. To go to the store, I had to pre plan as always but now the added, crap I don't have my debit card was a constant reminder of the things I had lost, the privileges now gone, the life now ultimately altered. This would bring up so much un focused anger I would have occasions to yell and rage. With no real focus it would fall upon my DH who would feel even more wounded and distrustful of me. Each memory, each lost ability, left me feeling helpless and hopeless. Trapped in my own self created despair and personal hell. Each time my DH would tell me he loved me and wanted to get remarried would leave me feeling raw and questioning if he wanted it so much then why.....why was it taking so long? He would comment that this is an easy thing for the person who had done the wrong thing, committed the crime so to speak to say. Those comments would make me more resentful and misunderstood. As a person with PTSD, OCD, borderline personality, I understand it must feel daunting to deal with some of the resulting issues and yet all I wanted was to live and be treated normally and yet I myself was unable to act or react in a way that would tell anyone that. I was overwhelmingly angry at everything that had happened. I was exhausted trying to explain what had happened, what had gone wrong, the complete dis regulation that had occurred. How does anyone explain insanity, and more importantly how can anyone be able to understand it.
To simply say, well dear for a three month prior to that episode I had after my mom told me the guy who molested me for three years was alive this absolute insanity welled up in me and drove me over the proverbial edge. The last month prior to me going to the hospital I was sleeping maybe two or three hours a night, hallucinating auditorally and somewhat visually and those precious two hours of sleep were filled with nightmares beyond belief. I was so extremely dysfunctional that by the time a person I thought was a good friend told me to go to this hospital and how much they helped her (she has bi polar and a personality disorder) I believed it could help me, something had to! Sorry to say I was more than wrong. How do you explain to someone that with the sleep deprivation, the lack of proper judgment, the sudden over medication, the numbness and absolute detachment from reality that ensued caused a part of me, usually dormant to rise up and wreak havoc on my life. That my affair, sudden pregnancy, and everything that happened in a four month period of time was some bizarre attempt to regulate myself. That I never had real feelings for said other person, never planned for that situation, never wanted to have to find myself in that condition and have to make the ultimate sacrifice just to be back home with those I loved. I myself have a hard time coming to terms with all that. And then the added sting, he sees me as me, despite my mindset, that I acted on my own behalf, that I enjoyed what I did and did it because I wanted to. He sees the purity of our sexual relationship as gone ( which is so painful I cant express) sees me through different eyes. He has even made comments like well people on drugs commit murders and they are still accountable for it. This enrages me so much I could explode. I often comment that doctors dont prescribe crack, and to do drugs one has to seek them out and avoid all sorts of obstacles to get them. I am relatively sure that if a person in extream dysfunction is told, take this by a licensed doctor, that they believe this is an issues that will plague me the rest of my life and with out these drugs I would be a danger to myself and my family, and oh we wont let you out without them, you are going to take them! I don't blame him for seeing it as he does. He says he believes that the drugs played a part and that is why I am back in his life, for which I am grateful. And it is unfair for me to expect to get off scott free, and yet I feel like I gave up so much, and am now at the mercy of his choosing to do things on his schedule, helpless.
I am happy to report I signed with my DH a prenup, it states that should I run off again ever with anyone, become abusive, act inappropriately (in a sexual misconduct way) that the original terms of our divorce will remain in place and the marring will be over. In fairness it also stated that if he should leave for any reason or decide to not remain married the prenup is null and void. I felt it was fair and another way I could show my sincerity and pure belief this issues would never repeat. He showed me a marriage licence form and had me check to be sure my portion was correct and so I feel confidant we are much closer. I am also happy to report he has in fact decided, since he made the choice to get a vasectomy regardless of how I felt and how devastating it was to me, that he will get a reversal. Now I know this is not a for sure, and that I will have to get my tubes tied after if it works, but I admit I am excited. I don't know when it will happen yet, but he says, and I agree things in our life must be stable, we have to be married first. So there is a positive ending to the story so far. Now all I have to do is be patient, show him understanding in love, this can be hard because when I see him hurting and depressed I feel automatic guilt/shame, sadness and want to recoil. That is very counterproductive. Well enough of a chapter for today!
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