So I went into my doctor's appointment thinking, "Gosh, I sure don't have anything to talk about today."  I came out completely exhausted, having spoke to my doc about a lot of things.  I feel pretty scattered today.  I really cried hard at my appointment.  I haven't cried like that in a long time.

We talked about the anxiety in my life.  I realized it has to do with the fact that I feel like my near death experience has had a lasting impression on me.  The impression is not as clear cut as I once saw it.  I used to just think two things about the experience.  However it may seem to be inexplicable, this whole thing has changed me in a very fundamental way.  Some people might have no issue with certain things, like working a normal job.  However, the anxiety to not live my life without certain limitations make me seem lazy or undisciplined.  The opposite is quite true in fact.  It has to do with PTSD, bipolar, and a lot of other things.  Today I acknowledged that the anxiety I get from the PTSD may be bigger than I am.  I have been able to face things and usually win, but sometimes there are things in life (or death) that can be beyond one's own understanding.  I think for the first time in my life, I have met my intellectual match in nearly dying.  This is one thing that has f*$^ed me up more than anything, and more than anything I ever want to experience.  All the while I am grateful that I have had this experience as it has clairified a lot of supernatural questions of mine.  Beyond that is something that cannot be repeated, or measured, or anything scientific in proof.  I know these things as truth though, mainly bc I have lived it.  Living a wasted life is something that tortures me to my core.  This gives me horrendous anxiety.  Anxiety that incapacitates me.

Well it is Weds. which means I can rest.  I am usually tired after my therapy sessions, but I am especially so this week.  I also feel like I am making progress.  Growth is painful in certain ways.  I just want to sleep tomorrow.