Wow, I just realized today is three weeks of not smoking.  Time has flown by.  I can't believe it has been so long already.  I am pretty psyched that I have made it this long. ; I don't want to smoke now, and the patch works great. 

As far as everything else, I have been having some pretty intense existential contemplations lately.  My bipolar diagnosis has been a huge part of this.  A lot of things make sense now, but I also have this sense of wondering what could have been had I known earlier.  This is coming from seeing things that I have done in a new way.  I was in such denial before my diagnosis, and I also think I really refused to remember these things.  I truely did not recall the times in my life that were representative of bipolar, even when I was asked to do so.  I recalled times incorrectly to justify my denial.  It wasn't until four years after I had a massive episode of ups and downs, self-destructive/mutilating behavior, pseudoaddiction, and homelessness accompanied by superior performance in school that I would come to understand what was making me do these things.  My best friend from high school pointed out to me her perception of bipolar being abilities to do incredible things while other areas of one's life suffer extraordinarily.  I am not sure why I would do anything to perform well in school, but at the same time I couldn't deal with the social aspect of a work environment.  School to me was an environment of free thought, and that worked very well for me. 

My life outside of school was horrendous.  I was doing things I am not sure I could ever repeat in a therapeutic environment.  My bf knows about these things, and so do my parents.  However, most people are not aware of the extremes that existed in my life for about three years.  Coming out of this time is not any easy thing, but that is where I feel like I am right now.  I feel like I have been in a cacoon for the last three and a half years, and I am about to get my wings. 

This isn't an easy time though.  I think there is a perception that it would be a great time, and it is.  There is just a part of it that is very confronting to me.  I have to deal with things that I just wanted to ignore before.  I was also in no place to deal with these things before now.  It is a very bittersweet time.

I feel like my time with my doctor is going well.  He is very nice, and he helps me to think about things I haven't thought about before.  He does this in a way that is not direct at all.  I always end up going home and thinking about something he said in a way that I didn't during my session.  This sparks a lot of other thoughts that bring me to certain places. 

I have a softball game tonght.  Actually I have two.  It is freaking cold out too, which sucks bad.  Last week it was really cold and it had snowed that day and we still had out game.  My leg muscle was so sore it was unbelievable.  Today I am going to my mom's so she can massage my leg muscles (she's a massage therapist) to get them warmed up.  I am going to wear more clothes on my legs tonight too.  I wish it would just snow really hard so the games tonight would all be cancelled.  It is just not that much fun when I am in that much pain.  I have muscle atrophy from my injury though and the only way to get passed that is to fight through it.  I just wish it was nice out, so it would be more enjoyable.