I find myself wide awake at nearly 4am again.  Part of it has to do with my missing my cymbalta dosage this morning and then taking it at night.  It makes me wake up.  I went and droppedoff my badge and parking stuff at my work at 3 am.  It was kind of scary.  Not bc I was taking it back and I was regretting things, but bc it was 3am downtown.  Right at the intersection where some very shady things go down.  I had to wait for the security guard to come to the door.  That seemed like it took forever.

Anyway, having done this makes me feel more free than I did before.  I would like to work part-time.  I couldn't do that.  My plan with my doc- I want to get off all my drugs except cymbalta (for my pain) and klonopin.  I need the klonopin for my severe anxiety.  However, I want to make an appointment with my pain doc to see if he will take over my meds.  He is cheaper to see and I don't need to spend pointless hours talking about things I already think about.  Then I am going to get my medical marijuana permit.  I have been using marijuana since I came off opiate painkillers last year, and it has worked fantastically.  I just need to do what has worked best for me in the past.  I don't need to re-invent the wheel, I need to recognize how I function best and do it. 

I need to see my pain doc before my insurance runs out.  I am calling his office first thing when I finally wake up.  I have to see my shrink tomorrow, so I will let him know about my desire to come off my meds.  He might think I am crazy.  Maybe I am.  I just don't want to be filling my body with things that I don't have to have.  Maybe I am thinking this way bc my meds are working.  I just don't think I would be up this late if my meds worked completely.  I don't know, I am sure my doc will disagree. 

This while time has given me time to think about some things.  Things like the way people are evaluated and treated in psychiatry.  Like if something is normal for the majority of the population, then it must be what is best for everyone.  If you fall outside that norm, then something must be wrong with you.  For instance, the whole sex thing.  Most docs will tell you 2-3 times a week is the norm and what to shoot for.  Some people don't do that, and if someone experiences this in a relationship exiting the relationship is the thirst resolution offered.  That is rediculous.  This is why people don't stay in relationships.  When the first thing goes a miss the relationship must be doomed.  There are a lot of other things like this involved in the whole practice.  It shocks me as a psychology scholar, bc it goes against everything being taught in school these days.  Maybe I just answered my own question in that progressive psychology is only in its infancy and not mainstream yet.

Whatever the case, I need to deal with my PTSD by doing things that being me joy.  I need to experience joy and happiness again.  Drugs and medication aren't going to make me do anything.  That has to do with something totally different.  It has to do with experiencing my life for me.  I think dealing with my pain by addressing the depressed parts of my brain is a good thing.   I think my plan involves doing everything that is best for me.  I just need to make it all happen now.  :-)