Wow, yesterday I saw the majority of my aunts and uncles at a family reunion party.  I also saw some cousins I haven't seen in a long time.  I have come to the conclusion that I have never fit well into my family's social network.  My mom and her sisters gossip worse than anyone I have ever met.  The rude thing is they will do it right in front or behind someone.  One year at the women's retreat I had to bail bc they were doing it to me.  I guess if you grow up around that sort of thing it is okay, but I think that is the main reason I have so few female friends.  I can't stand that sort of caddiness, and most women hate my honesty.  A lot of guys hate my honesty.  I am just not into hanging out with someone you would talk behind their back.  It just seems really rude, and I was not impressed with my mother talking behind my aunt's back (literally) about how the other aunts were annoyed by her this week.  I was just in shock that my mom was doing it.  I was kind of shocked by a lot of her behavior yesterday.  When I came home to sleep last night I actually had a hard time falling asleep bc of how disturbed I was by the whole thing.

As I sit here and think I just thought of something.  I was talking to my mom a couple days ago about what is going on with my treatment.  I was telling her about my PTSD being more debilitating than anything else, and she was like, "from what?"  I remember being like, are you fucking kidding me?  I said, "...umm from when I almost died, mom!"  She was all, oh yeah.  Sometimes I wonder what planet my mother lives on.  She must be blissfully ignorant, because I can't imagine your child nearly dying (and being there) and forgetting about it- even briefly.  Gee, my daughter, you have serious PTSD, I can't imagine where that would come from.  Oh yeah, oops I forgot.  I just don't get it.  I think it hurts me to think that my mother is that absent-minded, bc it makes me have to think about how absent she was in my life when I was growing up.  I see my cousins and how my aunt and uncle raised them, and I wonder how my mom went down the road she did.  Then I think about the poor choices my mom made, and the fact that it didn't really seem to bother her, and it still doesn't.  Her inpact on my life was too great to take less than seriously.  She didn't really take it seriously.  My aunts and uncles were totally absent from my life when I was a kid.  This goes for both sides of my family.  I have an enormous family, yet I am close to none of these people.  It seems very strange in fact, and only supports my feelings of being isolated and totally comfortable in that place.  If that is the alternative, I would rather be alone.