I had my weekly appointment today.  It went well I would say.  I am learning a lot from my doctor.  I feel very tired though.  I think it is bc my body has to heal from softball.  My ankle hurts really bad right now.  I am giving it some time until I worry about it though.  I woke up feeling like this today so I don't think I injured myself.

I had a lot of clairifications today with my doc.  He was able to answer some questions, and also gave me new information.  He confirmed a lot of what I do as part of my bipolar.  This is kind of interesting to me.  For instance, my getting really energetic at night is apparently part of it.  I have always been like this.  So we talked about what I can do to try to help with this.  Part of me wonders why I need to change it.  I am a very creative person, and this time of day is when I am most creative.  Not necessarily productive, but certainly creative.  This is part of what i am having issues with though.  I have come to love myself for whatever reason I have done things, and with this I am having a big problem with the labeling of my behavior.  Maybe I am a little narcisistic. 

In whatever case I think mental illness has been in my family for so long that my father actually taught me how to deal with certain aspects of my disorder in a roundabout way.  I don't think he really knew what he was doing, but he understands what it is like to be bipolar.  I have said this before, but I really think my father is bipolar as well.  Additionally, I believe my grandmother was bipolar.  Beyond that I am not sure where she got it from.

In contemplation of all this I think I am at a place where I can accept a lot more of what has happened.  For instance, my inability to deal with certain things where someone without an illness would never have any issues is okay to me now.  I can't be so hard on myself knowing I don't have the ordinary tools to cope with certain things.  I have beaten myself up for a long time bc I couldn't figure out why I would do crazy, self-destructive things.  These things were so out of character for me, yet I was still doing them.  Once I was able to get some kind of normalcy in my life things stablized, and I stopped doing those things.

This is all a very strange time for me.  My whole existence is being redefined as I learn more about what is going on.  I think this is also a very exciting time, bc maybe I will have some mental peace for once in my life.