I know I am not hallucinating or anything like that, but I feel like I am losing my mind, yet somehow I am also okay with this.

After not having internet access this week I realized something...it gave me worse anxiety than I could explain.  I felt cut off from the world, I felt like I couldn't find any information, and it sucked.  I acutally went out into my garage and looked through my boxes of books for something to read.  In my whole life I never thought I would find myself addicted to reading.  I always thought I was addicted to information.  This makes me wonder if there is something to be said about technology being related to certain anxiety disorders. 

My bf has GAD and he is an network engineer.  He is immersed in it.  From knowing some of hos friends I have come to notice they also suffer form anxiety.  I am not saying there aren't other ways one can have anxiety, but it sure seems to be something worth looking into.

I know when I used to go to work in a building with nothing but servers, routers, switchers, satellite dishes, receivers, etc. that I would feel energized.  I loved walking into the building.  I also worked there for a long time.

I have become so dependant on technology that it would ake me go through withdrawls if I didn't have it.  I don't know why I am even talking about this.  I am medicated.

Today I went to a pinball carnival.  My bf told me about it and I was like ok, what is this?  We went today, and showed up to a wonderland of video games from my childhood.  The bestpart of all is there were enough pinball machines per person that you could always find a machine to play.  It was in a huge room with rows of games.  They had other arcade games too.  They had Pacman and Mrs. Pacman, Centapede, and all kinds of other ones.  It was loud with bells and dinging sounds.  There were a couple hundred people there. 

Something I thought of was that I never felt uncomfortable there.  Usually when I get in situations where there are a lot of people and especially a lot of noise I get totally anxious.  This made me think of why I felt comfortable.  I felt totally unjudged there.  It wasn't like being at a nightclub where everyone is sizing everyone up.  It was just a fun place, where people were having fun.  There wasn't an element of guys or girls trying to hook-up with someone.  Everyone was dressed like me too :-)  No one cared, and I love that.  I think it breeds competition to dress lavishly.  Just my opinion.  I hate it too bc it is so uncomfortable.  I love jeans and jeans are not considered professional by whatever person made that rule. 

In any case, it was fascinating to me that I actually left my bf and wandered around and played games. 

After we went there, we went to my bf's friend's house in the mtns.  He had his own arcade game that was enormous, as well as a big screen tv and huge speakers with Guitar Hero.  We played Guitar Hero and my bf and his friend played the arcade game.  

Then we went to this German restaurant that was so delicious.  I had something that was called like Frickendilishus, and was it ever.  The view was beautiful.  The people who own it are so great.  Our host was so very nice. 

I was so happy today.

It is so cold out today.  Apparently it is supposed to snow.  I like the snow, but not everyone does.  i think I like the snow bc I have become so very fat.  When you are fat you liketo wear sweatshirts and sweaters, either to hide your fatness or to hide your sweating.  My belly is sticking out far, and my legs are getting stiff from too much fat.  When I walk it is very un-fluid.  It looks like I am studdering when I take a step. 
So after knowing how fat I have become I have decided to make a serious change.  Once my money comes I am getting a trainer and I am losing this fat.  It seems like it has been sneeking up on me, and I think it has to do with my medications.  I need like nothing else but to excersize every day like I used to.  I am really excited actually.  I like the feeling of health. 

***Please note!  This entry will be found as very disturbing to some people.  Reader's discretion advised.

After thinking about it, and realizing how beneficial it was for me to open up about things I am writing this entry.  This is about my ex bf who I was with when I had my accident.

It startedwith a random sexual encounter.  He showed up late one night at my house, and as he likes to say, "15 minutes later my fist was in his ass."  We had a very twisted sexual relationship some might classify as paraphilic.  He was dominating in a way that I was aware of yet not.  We did whatever we wanted with eachother, and I mean everything.  I was not into sexual encounters with more than one person at a time.  I have always been very open minded, but my relationship with him was sick and twisted.

He started becoming very abusive.  I had broken things off with him, and when he showed up wanting to talk two months later he ended up raping me.  I still didn't get out.  That is how sick I was.  I was never in a relationship this evil.  The men I had been with up to that point would never treat me that way.

After my accident he pointed out to me that I looked ill and should call my doctor, which fucks me up even more.  I have it in my mind that he helped save my life.  I also have it in my mind that I wouldn't have broken my leg if it weren't for him.  It just goes back and forth with different things.

He used to shoot up with me.  This is one of the more rediculous things.  He told me after we broke up that he felt a bond with me that he can't feel with anyone else.  I don't really care bc I will never be with him again.  He is not what I see myself with.  He never was, yet somehow I was with him.

He did something else that was totally messed up, but I am not ready to talk about it.  It has nothing to do with anyone but he and myself.  It is just completely disgusting, and I was in no way consenting.

This is something I am dealing with right now.  It all has to do with the most destructive time in my life most recently.  I am not sure if what happened with him is impacting my current relationship.  There are things I don't want to tell him about, bc I don't think he could understand.  I will be talking to my doc about this tomorrow.

I saw my doc today, and it wasn't good.  He started out talking to me about my work stuff.  He was asking me about going back, and I told him I am not ready.  This brought up a lotof things as far as him not knowing major black secrets of mine- secrets I talked about in my last journal entry.  Talking about this with him was very strange for me.  He told me about other people who have dark secrets.  He used an example of people who sleep with their professors, and stangely enough, my thought of doing that is equal to most people's thoughts of prostitution.  I would NEVER!  What is it about prostitution as a means of survival that allowed me to justify it? 

As far as the shooting up goes, I am just thoroughly disappointed in myself.  I think it also shows how sick I was and can get.  I also think I have so many things going on in my mind that the thought of going back to work seems so rediculous. 

I am not trying to ride the experiences I have had in my life in order to be lazy.  These things truely fucked me up.  They made me snap in some way that I cannot explain.  I was sick to begin with, and then something serious happened, then that was followed by serious self-harm and risk-taking.  I am broken.  I am not bad.  I am just broken.  Knowing how things have come along over time I know this is something that is not going to be fixed in three months.  It won't be fixed in some neat little packaged timeframe.  I am not sure that it will ever be fixed.  I have been a mess for a very long time, and it isn't that I don't believe in myself.  I actually believe in myself in certain ways.  However, I am not so strong that I can just be better at the command of someone.  If I could I wouldn't be in this situation.

The fact that my doc suggested I go back to work made me feel like he has no idea about my problems.  At the same time I haven't been telling him things.  Now that I am I feel better about them.  I also have a better idea of how much of an impact these things have had on the way I cognate. 

I think part of the issue with me getting the help I need has been that I feel guilty about what I have done, and don't want to talk to people about it.  I had to have a reason to tell my doc about this.  I am not sure I would like it to have been that way.  However, I am not sure it could have happened any other way.  I am just not in the habit of going out and telling people about these things.

In regard to working, I am not sure if I will ever be able to hold down a full-time job again.  I know I can handle working part-time.  However, unless something very fundamental changes in my mental processes I don't know how I will ever do that.  The fundamental things that need changing are things that my illness are directly related to.  This is what makes it an illness. 

I don't know what to do about all of this.  All I can say is that it isn't helping me get better.  I think my doc is totally concerned about that, but the company I work for is in it for their own profit.  I don't expect anything else.  I can't expect them to carry me through this illness, and I really don't think aspects of my job that cannot be changed for me are going to change.  I am just not sure what should be done.

A lot of what I have been dealing with lately has to do with differentiating my personality from the bipolar. Looking back on my life I see some very specific things that are related to my bipolar. This is the first time I have openly spoken about any of this, and I am at the point where if someone judges me for these things I could care less.

It all started when I bought a condo. I had a great job, I was healthy and doing things I loved. From the outside it looked like everything was great. I had never been so lonely in my life, and little did I know it was about to get a lot worse.

I started dating a lot of guys. I wasn't sleeping with all of them, but I was sleeping with a lot. It wasn't relationship sex either. It was one night stand sex. I would meet guys in bars and online and never see them again. I usually didn't want to see them again. One guy I wanted to see again because the sex was so good, but that was all. Then I met a guy who was a complete work of art.

After meeting this guy things started going crazy. I knew something was not right and started seeing a psychologist. My primary doc put me on some anti-depressants to help me stop smoking. Things just got worse. Now I know it was mania.

After knowing this guy for 6 months he moved into my condo. It was crazy from day one. We had incredible sex, but he was also very abusive. Our relationship was twisted and so in a sexual way. I did things with him I would never do again, and hadn't done before I met him. As with anything this insane something had to break.

I found out by putting some spyware on my computer that he was cheating on me. I saw it and was able to play it back to him. There was no denying anything. It was pretty funny actually- to see his stupid face when he was busted with video of what he was doing. It was stupid for me to stay in that relationship, and I think god was about to let me know how stupid.

The day after I confronted him about cheating on me we went snowboarding. I had a conscious thought on the way up there that I was feeling particularly suicidal. I started hitting the jumps hard early that day. By my third run I was going 40-45mph and I was having so much fun. I was hitting the drop offs that are only there in the early part of the season. I was flying! Then I crashed...hard.

I ended up breaking my leg and ankle. Oh the pain. The pain alone was enough to drive a person mad. I remember the pain meds they gave me were never effective. The dilaudid they gave me in the hospital was. After I stopped taking the percocet I had a serious wall-climbing experience. I ended up in the hospital, because I was very suicidal. Every time I have become suicidal I was depressed and then had one of these intense manic episodes.

I was in the hospital and the docs asked me if I thought I might be bipolar. I said no. I didn't really know why I was feeling the way I was, and I was not even accepting what was really going on. I got out of the sin bin and I got blood clots in both lungs.

The guy I was dating was still in the picture. I needed someone to take care of me, bc I couldn't do it myself. He actually did, but again he was abusive. My mother made me so very angry at this time in my life. She wasn't around, I felt like an inconvenience to her life. I also felt like my problems were so big that she could not effectively mother me at that time.

After I almost died and got out of the hospital I was over the edge. I had lost my mind. I came very close to dying and was told how lucky I was to be alive all week. They sent me home with lovenox and other meds. I had to give myself injections in my stomach.

They also sent me home with dilaudid. I remember sitting in my bathroom thinking how I could inject my medication. I took some classes when I first graduated high school where I learned phlebotomy. I knew how to hit a vein. What the fuck I was thinking I still can't say. What the fuck I was thinking that I did this for a very long time is beyond me. What the fuck was my bf at that time thinking to do it with me? I had become an iv drug user. All the while my performance in school appeared unaffected, in fact my artwork was gaining praise at school during this time.

Eventually I threw the guy I was dating out of my house. I was having a bone removed from my ankle, and had a doctor appointment. He took my jeep and was nowhere to be found. I had to call my mom to take me. I left his belongings for him when I went to my appointment, and he was leaving when I got home. That was the best thing I could have ever done for myself.

While this was a good thing for me, I had to find a way to support myself. I had no income. The insurance company I had my long term disability insurance through decided a week before I had surgery that I was not disabled. This put me in a tricky predicament. I was still very sick. I was too sick to be taking care of myself. I started prostituting myself.

How did my life get to this place? All the while I was in school. I couldn't stop going to school. It wasn't work, it was therapy. I was a college student prostitute. What the hell? I have a history of working in the adult entertainment industry, but it was a very technical history. I never thought I would do what I have done. When faced with not eating or not affording coumadin, prostitution was the only way for me to survive. I also sold me artwork, and in the short-term made a lot more money doing that. Neither was enough.

This all went on until I lost my condo. I left there and was homeless for two months. I stayed with friends and in hotels/motels. I finally got my disability case settled and paid the school I graduated from the $13,000 I owed them. I was elated to be able to go back to finish my degree. I got an apartment. I ended up getting a massive scholarship that allowed me to pay for my senior year. I don't think I have ever been that excited in my life.

I stopped taking opiate pain killers June of 2007. It sucked so hard. It hurt, I wanted to go crazy, but I did it. I took a lot of klonopin and smoked a lot of weed. I would rather smoke weed than take opiates.

My job stability has been very poor. I was able to work a part-time job effectively, but when it comes to full-time work I don't know. I get too anxious. I get nervous and nauseated before working. All I can think of when I am there too long is how I can get out of there. This is something I have noticed being so since my accident. I don't quite understand where the threshold lies.

So there it is. The bad, dark days of Angela. I wish is was as simple as it is to read about, but it was full of misery.

I have been on Cymbalta for about three months now.  It is so wonderfully awesome I can't say enough good things about it.  I wouldn't say I was having an episode of depression whenmy doctor put me on it, but rather I was having a lot of anxiety issues.  I told my doc about my RSD and other medical issues.  He immediately identified certain things about my illness.  With this he put me on Cymbalta.  I had no idea at the time how it would impact my RSD.

With this said, I should itterate that depression and RSD are highly correlated in studies.  Since it is social science, there is no causation assumed.  However, it makes sense that if you treat one, the other will be impacted.  Since there is no real treatment for RSD, the next best thing is to treat the commonality- the depression. 

As I said, I was not presenting with what I would consider a depressive episode.  So why would Cymbalta, a treatment for depression (and other things) create a sort of nerve block for my pain?  There is a whole biological explanation for this, but I am not qualified to speak about it.  The bottom line is this medication has truely helped me. 

I still have physiological problems, but I think that has more to do with my being more active.  My ankle swells up pretty bad, and is uncomfortable.  I also think the atrophy and the nerve damage have to go through a sort of growing pain to be repaired.  I also believe that I will be better again.

After being diagnosed I have started to see things in a new way.  The new way is actually really helpful for me in a lot of ways.  One way is seeing where illness lies and where functionalityexist.  This brought me to the actualization that people aren't the only things to have mental illness. 

What does this mean?  In regard to society, for instance, it functions on a very dysfunctional level.  Different societies operate under various types of illness.  This line of thinking could be associated with personality disorders, but I would disagree.  The illness that can be seen in various cultures and societies are mood disorders. 

If one compares the U.S. to bipolarism, one can find so many similarities.  In fact, some time periods are even named after certain mood disorders, like a depression.  In any case, I believe everything is relative.  If something can be applied to the most basic element of anything, then the theory should be applicable to the greater parts.

All of this makes me wonder if I am bipolar bc of a bigger issue in society.  It is making me think about the ways we judge eachother.  I am guilty of it myself, although I really make a conscious effort to be aware of myself.  When I am mad, it doesn't matter who someone is, what they look like, how smart they are, or to what economic class they belong- everything becomes fair game.  I become just as ugly as the very things I hate.

Are we only as healthy as the weakest person in our culture?  This becomes more true the closer or more impacted you are by the entity with the dysfunction.  If our president is a completely dysfunctional person, it is going to have a negative impact on everyone in the country.  Some people will be more impacted than others.

So I went into my doctor's appointment thinking, "Gosh, I sure don't have anything to talk about today."  I came out completely exhausted, having spoke to my doc about a lot of things.  I feel pretty scattered today.  I really cried hard at my appointment.  I haven't cried like that in a long time.

We talked about the anxiety in my life.  I realized it has to do with the fact that I feel like my near death experience has had a lasting impression on me.  The impression is not as clear cut as I once saw it.  I used to just think two things about the experience.  However it may seem to be inexplicable, this whole thing has changed me in a very fundamental way.  Some people might have no issue with certain things, like working a normal job.  However, the anxiety to not live my life without certain limitations make me seem lazy or undisciplined.  The opposite is quite true in fact.  It has to do with PTSD, bipolar, and a lot of other things.  Today I acknowledged that the anxiety I get from the PTSD may be bigger than I am.  I have been able to face things and usually win, but sometimes there are things in life (or death) that can be beyond one's own understanding.  I think for the first time in my life, I have met my intellectual match in nearly dying.  This is one thing that has f*$^ed me up more than anything, and more than anything I ever want to experience.  All the while I am grateful that I have had this experience as it has clairified a lot of supernatural questions of mine.  Beyond that is something that cannot be repeated, or measured, or anything scientific in proof.  I know these things as truth though, mainly bc I have lived it.  Living a wasted life is something that tortures me to my core.  This gives me horrendous anxiety.  Anxiety that incapacitates me.

Well it is Weds. which means I can rest.  I am usually tired after my therapy sessions, but I am especially so this week.  I also feel like I am making progress.  Growth is painful in certain ways.  I just want to sleep tomorrow.

I had my weekly appointment today.  It went well I would say.  I am learning a lot from my doctor.  I feel very tired though.  I think it is bc my body has to heal from softball.  My ankle hurts really bad right now.  I am giving it some time until I worry about it though.  I woke up feeling like this today so I don't think I injured myself.

I had a lot of clairifications today with my doc.  He was able to answer some questions, and also gave me new information.  He confirmed a lot of what I do as part of my bipolar.  This is kind of interesting to me.  For instance, my getting really energetic at night is apparently part of it.  I have always been like this.  So we talked about what I can do to try to help with this.  Part of me wonders why I need to change it.  I am a very creative person, and this time of day is when I am most creative.  Not necessarily productive, but certainly creative.  This is part of what i am having issues with though.  I have come to love myself for whatever reason I have done things, and with this I am having a big problem with the labeling of my behavior.  Maybe I am a little narcisistic. 

In whatever case I think mental illness has been in my family for so long that my father actually taught me how to deal with certain aspects of my disorder in a roundabout way.  I don't think he really knew what he was doing, but he understands what it is like to be bipolar.  I have said this before, but I really think my father is bipolar as well.  Additionally, I believe my grandmother was bipolar.  Beyond that I am not sure where she got it from.

In contemplation of all this I think I am at a place where I can accept a lot more of what has happened.  For instance, my inability to deal with certain things where someone without an illness would never have any issues is okay to me now.  I can't be so hard on myself knowing I don't have the ordinary tools to cope with certain things.  I have beaten myself up for a long time bc I couldn't figure out why I would do crazy, self-destructive things.  These things were so out of character for me, yet I was still doing them.  Once I was able to get some kind of normalcy in my life things stablized, and I stopped doing those things.

This is all a very strange time for me.  My whole existence is being redefined as I learn more about what is going on.  I think this is also a very exciting time, bc maybe I will have some mental peace for once in my life.

So I just finished rambling on about other things in my last journal entry, and then I thought about something I have been thinking about a lot lately.  We all live these unnatural lives just so we can assimilate ourselves into society.  If you want to survive you have to have an income, you then will be more influenced to have a home in the subrubs, and you have to have a car to drive to your job from your home in the suburbs.  These things get more and more expensive when you add to them the natural things people do like having children.  We must all then keep working in a job we may hate to support this series of issues that tend to become problematic when they can't be maintained. 

We have become completely self-insufficient.  Who grows their own food anymore?  A select few who farm do, but it is so industrialized that there is little personability involved.  No one in the city sees or even knows where the food they eat is coming from.  This alone has to be stress-inducing, if not on a subconscious level.  This also helps people eat really poorly.  If you don't have to think about the food you are eating, you will eat whatever you desire, because you don't care what is in it or where it came from.  Just by default we are brought up like this and we just expect that we will have food.  This is so unhealthy and not very empowering. 

People where I am from used to have property lots that allowed families to sustain themselves with gardens and some livestock.  I also think people were a lot happier then too.  The lives they led were simpler.  Simplicity is not a bad thing.  In fact, it can make life more rich and fulfilling.  Energy that would be sent on worrying about paying bills with the job that sucks, could be spent on self-actualization. 

I think my social issues are partly related to all of this.  I don't know why people just go along with things and not do whatever they can to be happy and fulfilled during the short time we are here.  Maybe they are pursuing happiness, but in their own way.  I just don't get it. 

The reality of nearly dying has made me see things in a way that I cannot explain.  I am afraid in some ways I guess.  I don't know what it is.  I just think that I know how easy it could all go away because of what I experienced, and that makes me unable to see logic in certain things.  I know there are people out there who have almost died and their lives seem unaffected.  I also think those people probably don't have dual mental illness diagnoses.  Additionally, I find it interesting that if someone has no desire to assimilate into society's rules they are probably mentally ill.  I happen to think the way society functions as a whole is very dysfunctional and would qualify for a mental illness diagnosis or two. 

We as Americans are the abusive, powerful force of the world.  We say we do things for the good of all mankind, but we really do things (on a global level) based on what is best for those in charge.  We let our fellow Americans starve and let our mentally ill live on the streets.  We go into other countries and tell them how they are going to operate when we can't even get a handle on our own country (especially its economy).  Please keep in mind when I say "we" I mean the country as a whole, not specific individuals. 

There are other countries out there that do this, and have done it in the past.  There are also countries out there that take a realistic perspective on life, and make their laws to accomodate that perspective.  Then there are the countries that are the victims of our abuse that can't even function, let alone grow.  I think it all comes down to whether the government takes care of its people.  If they do the people will produce an economy that can compete globally.  When I say take care of I don't mean that everyone just gets a check every month.  I mean with this that its people are secure and have their basic needs no matter what. 

As far as I am concerned, if you can produce a valid I.D. you should be able to go to a governement funded grocery store.  Instead of food stamps, you can just go to the governement store.  The food there should be the same as a regular grocery store, but the things that are not necessities cost money.  This would make the place a little less humiliating to visit, and the store could recoup some of its costs by selling other things. 

Additionally, people should be able to have health insurance to all have equal healthcare provided.  Food, shelter, and healthcare are the basic necessities that our governement could more effectively provide to its citizens.  I am not saying that the housing is top of the line, or the food is filet minon.  I am saying that fruits, vegetables, chicken, beef, and all the other basic food groups should be guaranteed to everyone.  If you can afford better, then great, buy it.  That would be a form of donation to the program.  The same model could apply to housing and healthcare. 

Our governement does not invest in its own people and country, instead it invests in other countries and wastes money on killing its own citizens.  That is kind of pathetic.

Wow, I just realized today is three weeks of not smoking.  Time has flown by.  I can't believe it has been so long already.  I am pretty psyched that I have made it this long. ; I don't want to smoke now, and the patch works great. 

As far as everything else, I have been having some pretty intense existential contemplations lately.  My bipolar diagnosis has been a huge part of this.  A lot of things make sense now, but I also have this sense of wondering what could have been had I known earlier.  This is coming from seeing things that I have done in a new way.  I was in such denial before my diagnosis, and I also think I really refused to remember these things.  I truely did not recall the times in my life that were representative of bipolar, even when I was asked to do so.  I recalled times incorrectly to justify my denial.  It wasn't until four years after I had a massive episode of ups and downs, self-destructive/mutilating behavior, pseudoaddiction, and homelessness accompanied by superior performance in school that I would come to understand what was making me do these things.  My best friend from high school pointed out to me her perception of bipolar being abilities to do incredible things while other areas of one's life suffer extraordinarily.  I am not sure why I would do anything to perform well in school, but at the same time I couldn't deal with the social aspect of a work environment.  School to me was an environment of free thought, and that worked very well for me. 

My life outside of school was horrendous.  I was doing things I am not sure I could ever repeat in a therapeutic environment.  My bf knows about these things, and so do my parents.  However, most people are not aware of the extremes that existed in my life for about three years.  Coming out of this time is not any easy thing, but that is where I feel like I am right now.  I feel like I have been in a cacoon for the last three and a half years, and I am about to get my wings. 

This isn't an easy time though.  I think there is a perception that it would be a great time, and it is.  There is just a part of it that is very confronting to me.  I have to deal with things that I just wanted to ignore before.  I was also in no place to deal with these things before now.  It is a very bittersweet time.

I feel like my time with my doctor is going well.  He is very nice, and he helps me to think about things I haven't thought about before.  He does this in a way that is not direct at all.  I always end up going home and thinking about something he said in a way that I didn't during my session.  This sparks a lot of other thoughts that bring me to certain places. 

I have a softball game tonght.  Actually I have two.  It is freaking cold out too, which sucks bad.  Last week it was really cold and it had snowed that day and we still had out game.  My leg muscle was so sore it was unbelievable.  Today I am going to my mom's so she can massage my leg muscles (she's a massage therapist) to get them warmed up.  I am going to wear more clothes on my legs tonight too.  I wish it would just snow really hard so the games tonight would all be cancelled.  It is just not that much fun when I am in that much pain.  I have muscle atrophy from my injury though and the only way to get passed that is to fight through it.  I just wish it was nice out, so it would be more enjoyable.

 

So for some reason today I remembered a long time ago having my astrological chart done.  The woman who interpreted my chart made a comment about my sun and moon signs being exactly opposite.  I was born 45 minutes after the peak of the full moon.  She mentioned something about me having a bipolar chart.  I didn't know what that meant at the time.  Then after reading more on it tonight, bc I cannot sleep, I found some very interesting perspectives.  I understand things like this are often seen as rediculous, but according to my chart I would challenge this thought, and actually I do.  I think there is some value to it just as there is value in any other theory. 

Astrology has been studied for a lot longer than most other "sciences" that exist today.  It seems that more recently on the timeline people have seen it as less scientific than it was in the past.  Obviously, with the constraints on scientific study astrology would be a massive undertaking to prove in any way to be accurate.  At the same time there are studies that have been done that originated in astrological thought.  One is a study on births and the full moon.  It showed full moons have no affect on birth rates. 

All of this aside, I find my bipolar is very connected to the seasons.  This would make a lot of sense for me since I live in Colorado where we truely experience all four seasons (sometimes all in one afternoon).  I have a pattern of becoming very withdrawn and depressed in the Fall, and incredibly manic in the Spring.  Summer and Winter are my balancing seasons.  I usually feel most stable during these seasons. 

It seems if the seasons can impact a person's mental state, at the very least, the moon could too.  After all, it is common knowledge that the moon impacts our tides, and therefore the gravity we experience.  Since the brain is approximately 75% water we are surely impacted by the phases of the moon, and this isn't anything new.  When one looks at the history of the word lunacy, they will find it rooted in association with the moon.  Luna=moon, which was only the start of a series of keen observations made from way before modern science was even a consideration.  Police departments and other emergency departments will staff heavy during full moons that fall on the weekend.  So if the moon can impact us this way, I find it hard to believe that the rest of the planets and the sun in our solar system are void of any impact on us. 

This all makes me wonder how in the hell anyone came up with such a complex way of analyzing astrological data steeped in trigonometry and fairly intensive calculations.  It seems there must have been a pattern that evolved from observing human behavior and then associating that with this complex understanding of the stars, moon, and planets in our locale. 

While I think there are a lot of things we can learn from astrology, it should be known I think this is only true when a person's chart is looked at in completion, and by someone who understands all the elements involved in interpreting charts.  The daily astrology report in the paper is not anything near what I am referring to as accurate and personalized astrology. 

Now that I got all that off my chest, I feel like there is a lot for me to learn still.  If I can learn more about my disorder from something like astrology, then so be it.  After all the ultimate goal is knowledge, and if it takes something that seems absurd to some then I guess they will have to figure out how to deal with it.  I am not living my life for everyone in the world who might have a negative thought about me.  I live my life for myself and what is best for me.  I am not really sure what the point of all this is, but some reflection was clearly needed.

I am so very annoyed, and I don't know if my reaction is my bipolar or just any normal human reaction to the situation.  I think that is one of the most perplexing parts of being bipolar.  I get pretty heated and cruel when that happens.  I am more psychologically cruel, and will mind-f*&% people.  That is obviously not good to do when you are trying to solve a problem.  When I feel like I am not being heard or when I feel pushed into a corner that is how I react.  I feel like I could do things more productively, but that my anger keeps me from being nice enough to get my point across without pissing people off or making things worse.  This comes up bc I am awaiting a large sum of money, and the lawyers and trustee for my bankruptcy are going nowhere with eachother, but yet they have already agreed everything is okay with my exemptions, etc...  So it has been a month since I signed my paperwork, and the trustee received everything when I did.  I talked to my bankruptcy atty and he said he would call my trustee to try to help out, but I don't understand why my lawyers handling this other thing aren't doing more to find out where the papers are from my trustee.  My bankruptcy lawyer is just offering to help me out, it isn't his job to do this.  My other lawyers are going to get a lot more money for their work than my bankruptcy lawyer, so I just don't get it.  So I kept calling my other lawyers and they kept telling me they hadn't heard anything yet.  I called today, and the receptionist was like please hold, like they do when the person is in.  Then the receptionist came back on the line and said, oh she must have stepped away from her desk, would you like her voice mail?  That pissed me off, bc I know she doesn't want to talk to me to tell me they still haven't heard anything.  Except this time I actually have something she needs to know, which is to find out what is going on bc my bankruptcy lawyer will call to get it handled if they can't.  I hate to be a jerk to people, but it's like sometimes they forget who they work for.  A month is how long it has been since I got this paperwork to sign, and I just can't understand why is would take a month, or longer to get this paperwork back to my lawyers.  I am just trying to work my way through this problem to try to figure out what is going on here. 

...and this is how I internalize things.

So I had to buy step two of my patches today.  That means it has been two weeks since I quit smoking.  The last week was a lot easier than the first one.  Oh man, the first one sucked.  I have had a couple days here and there where I have wanted to partake in the action of smoking a cigarette.  Of course, I didn't do it.  It seems that has been giving me a chance to practice mind control.  That is a good thing for me, bc I need some practice in that area.  When I smoked, it was getting to the point that I just did whatever I wanted when I wanted as far as smoking.  I just smoked a lot.  Now that I am not smoking I feel better, and don't smell.  That's the best part.  The financial benefits are not so apparent at this time, bc I have been buying the patch.  I think this box will be my last.  I don't remember ever using phase three before.  I have patches that will last me until it has been one month, and I will be good.

So speaking of mind control, I had a softball game tonight.  I was so cold I couldn't believe it.  My thigh muscles tightened up so bad.  I had to keep moving though.  If I sat down it would make it worse.  I kept moving around.  I made it through the game.  I am still in incredible pain.  It has nothing to do with my RSD, or any injuries.  My musclues are just not in the condition they need to be in to handle cold weather.  I stretched out completely before the game, but as soon as I stepped on the field it just got really painful.  Well, I made it.  I was able to make it through the game somehow.  Oh, and we won!  :-)  I actually scored.  That was amazing itself given that I was having issues running.  It was fun.  Next week is going to be a big challenge as we have a double header.  Yikes!  I think my muscles will recooperate and as long as it isn't freezing ass cold like it was tonght, I will be good. 

My bf is infuriating me at the moment.  We have been together for almost two years, and he is not making any progress in any direction as far as our future is concerned.  I want to get marriedand have kids, but we still only see eachother on the weekends.  It is so weak.  It's like when I was a kid and I would go to my dad's on the weekend and would see my boyfriend.  I have let him know how I feel, and it is like I am being totally selfish.  I don't get it.  I am going to be 32 years old in May and I have no kids.  I am not getting any younger.  What am I supposed to do, sit around and just wait until some random guy asks me to marry him?  That is preposterous.  There is no way I am not going to let him know what I want.  If I don't how am I supposed to expect to get what I want?  I am so annoyed right now I can no longer write about this at the moment.

Have you ever felt like your life was good in every aspect but one, but that one aspect has a huge bearing on your life in an overall sense?  I feel like I have so many things to be grateful for, and I am, but I still continue to have problems in my relationship with my bf.  I know he looks for things I do to "spy" on me, I know he has looked through my phone records to find anything he could on me (which was nothing, but he made it into something anyway), and above all this he has promised me things that are very important that he has not followed through on.  I'm not saying my bf is all bad either though.  Just like with anyone, he has his faults.  However, with my sort of life cleansing, we are having a lot of problems.  I think he is uncomfortable with my improving myself bc I had a lot of problems when we met.  I think he fell in love with the person I was then, and seeing my strength come out is problematic for him.  He also has some issues to deal with, and I am not sure he really wants to, but who ever actually wants to deal with problems?  I have grown accustomed to dealing with my issues, and analyzing myself.  This came from the years of therapy I have been in since I was a kid.  My psych degree probably has to do with it too.  He has been brought up to think psychology is nonsense.  I don't think he necessarily agrees that it is nonsense, but I think bc of this he has a lot of unresolved issues. 

Also, I think I am at a point in my life where I need to decide to take control of my destiny.  I can no longer leave it to fate or the chance that something might fall in my lap.  I want to live a certain life, and I need to just do it.  Obviously, I want to make sure I am careful and thoughtful about it all, and I know it is a big risk.  I also know that if I don't do this I will wonder for the rest of my life what could have been if I had followed my dreams.  I know who I am, and just like my denial of diagnosis, had I just accepted the truth when I knew what it was originally I could have saved myself a lot of problems.  I know there will be times when I get scared, but I know there will be times when I am absolutely happy and fulfilled.  I am not into the whole living by some unknown person's standards.  I need to live by my own standards.  I was given a second chance at life, and I need to take my chance and do everything I can with it.

So I am in a state of elation today.  Last night I played softball for the first time in ten years.  Since I had my accident in 2004 I have not run at all.  Last night I was running.  If it wasn't for Cymbalta I would not be in the place I am.  Since I started taking Cymbalta I noticed the pain in my ankle was lessening.  I have been on it for about two months now, and while I experience pain occassionally, I have not experienced the feeling of no pain for three and a half years that I now have.  I also notice that when I do have pain it doesn't bother me the same way it used to.  It also goes away a lot faster.  I love my doctor for putting me on this medication, and knowing that this medication might help with my RSD.  Well, to the dismay of those on pain meds bc of the physical addiction, Cymbalta works better than any opiate pain med I was ever on.  I should also say I was on Dilaudid and Morphine for three years.  I came off them by myself bc it got to the point that they weren't working.  I was just taking them so I wouldn't withdraw from them and get sick.  I got to the point that taking opiates was doing more harm to my life and body than I was reaping the benefits from.  Now that I have started taking Cymbalta, I wish I would have been given this medication right after my accident when my depression got so bad that I had to be hospitalized for it.  It makes me wonder if I would have had all the problems I had if I would have been given this drug from the beginning.  All I know at this point is that I am so very glad that I am on it now.

So my best friend from high school is pregnant, and she needed someone to fill in on her softball team for the next few seasons.  She asked me and I was thrilled to accept.  I played 13 yearsof competetive softball starting when I was 8.  I stopped playing when I had no other option but to play slow pitch.  I was too disciplined in the competetive leagues that when I saw people drinking during a game it really didn't set well with me.  I was also very young and was probably more mad that I wasn't old enough to drink.  This team seems to be pretty nice.  The guys are cool, and my best friend is the team "mom" so it is fun.  The girls on the team are really nice, and we all seem to work together relatively well given that this was our first game of the season and many of us have never played together, even practice.  I had fun when I fell, and we all laughed a lot.  It was fun to not really care about winning, but about doing well.  The field where we play is beautiful and at the foot of some gorgeous mountains.  I made an outfield fly out.  It was funny, bc my best friend's husband said he liked the catch, the first one and the second one.  The ball went really high up and it can be hard to gauge where the ball is really going, but when I caught the ball it didn't fall into the pocket of my glove and it bounced out.  However, I still caught it bc my other hand was right there.  I was pretty happy for that.  Anyway, that was a fun game.  We have games every week, so it will be fun.

I just checked and realized that today is the completion of week one of not smoking.  I can't believe it has been a week.  It hasn't been an easy week, but it is what it is.  HopefullyI will write next week and say the second week was better.

So I went to Eldora today with my bf.  It was kind of rediculous.  It wasn't him so much but it started with his friends.  His friend from his hometown came to town this weekend.  It wasn't his wife, bc she is really nice, but it was his friend.  Maybe it was his friend's boss, I don't know.  In any case it was just like this kind of it has to be my way and I know everything about this town, forget the natives, and we are doing what we do to impress the people back home when we tell them about what we did.  Yuck!  For instance, they began talking about going somewhere that they could then come back to town then later in the week going to a big mountain and staying there.  I am a native and have lived here all my life, and have been riding for over 10 years.  My suggestion wasn't good enough though bc it wasn't a big name resort.  Resorts suck btw, with the exception of a few big mountains that are kick ass.  The thing about this was that it is just lame.  I trust my friends and especially my friend's native friends of places I have not been or been often, and would trust them over some bullshit name of a place.  Then to top all this off, I got to eat sushi two nights in a row.  Eeeh!  Maybe some people would think that is great, but this was kind of the beginning of the annoyance.  The first impression of this weekend was of us suddenly stopping at the hotel my bf's friend was staying at on the way to the batting cages where I was going to practice.  As we sat in the parking lot my bf finally got a hold of his friend and they came up to the car and after my bf told them where we were going they invited him to go with them to get their skis.  He repeated where we were going and declined.  Then they asked about dinner.  As soon as we got back from the batting cages, the struggle with the baby began.  He couldn't wait to eat for an additional 30 minutes at a restaurant that was nothing sushi-like in any way.  I was then informed on the way that we were having sushi again.  At dinner I found out that the other two friends of my bf who came to dinner also ate sushi the night before.  It was just a really poorly planned thing and it sucked quite frankly.  This added to the whole ski thing, and that they bought tickets without talking to anyone about where to go.  It seems like if they already knew where they wanted to go they would not have even asked, and there would not have been any discussion about places to choose from.  I don't know.  It just was not a great day.  I was tired, and not in a good mood.

My doc put me on Geodon first, and after waiting for some test results he put me on Lithium as well.  I love Lithium, and I wish I would have been put on it a long time ago.  Even if it wouldhave been used to treat my known depression I think it would have made a huge difference.  Speaking of medications, I think if I had seen my current shrink back when I was going through all these horrible manic and depressive episodes after my accident I would have probably recovered in a different way all together.  In whatever case, I am on it now and it is an amazing drug.  I guess that is why it has been used to treat bipolar disorder since the 70's.  The way it works fascinates me.    I think overall, my doc has given me the perfect meds, which I think I have mentioned in previous diary entries.    He knows what's up.  Especially in comparison to my last doctor.  I think my last doc just didn't stay so current on drugs and that sort of thing.

In any case, I love Lithium.  It works great for me.

I just got back from my walk with my dog and that walk was particularly painful.  I think it has to do with my quitting smoking.  The toxins are coming out of my muscles.  And OUCH! 

My dad and I made the mistake of talking politics.  It's kind of funny.  Our conversations can get pretty heated.  We still love eachother though.

Other than that it seems like quitting smoking is more habitual in the hand mouth connection than any physical feelings of the need for nicotine.  Obviously my use of the patch could have something to do with this.  It just points out to me what part of the act of smoking is habitual and which part is physical.

That's about it.

I quit smoking today.