Diary Entries for asleepytrance

Kicked Out

asleepytrance

So, it seems that my boyfriend had the right idea when he decided to leave my parents' house months ago, as I was kicked out a few months later, lol! To be honest it wasn't funny at all, but now I am living with him and his father in a house that we rent.

I have been trying to set myself up financially to be able to keep up with my bills and start building a savings account. I had contacted a bankruptcy lawyer to take care of the post-divorce debt and figured [...]

Ran Over his Foot

asleepytrance

So, long story short. I was getting in my car to leave, and my boyfriend said he wasn't going to move his feet from next to my tire. I don't respond well to feeling trapped, norI am someone who takes joy in the physical pain of others. Instead of going forward to move my car, I reversed, thinking he wouldn't have his feet on both sides of the tire. Well, he did, and I ran over his foot. I saw him in the rearview mirror looking distraught. I thou [...]

Moved Out Continued

asleepytrance

I found out recently that my boyfriend has been living out of his car. It has put me in some distress, because I can't offer him a place to stay. My parents were pretty furious whenhe moved out like he did and he is no longer welcome. They have been curious about him lately, and know that I still have feelings for him, but it is a lost cause to ask if he can come back.

He called me today upset that he couldn't offer me anything. And I am upse [...]

Moved out Day 8

asleepytrance

This an email I received recently from my 'boyfriend'. I wanted to give everyone an idea of the kind of man I am in so much pain over. And why I love him so much.

Dear Tiffani,

My lack of E-mails and/or phone calls is not representitive of my desire to see you or talk to you. I very much want to talk to you everyday and if I could I would spend all day on the phone with you just talking, The sound of your voice is v [...]

The Beginning

asleepytrance

I met my boyfriend at work during my separation from my current ex-husband. I knew that he had feelings for me, and he knew that I needed a friend to get through my divorce. And with that, blossomed the beginning of our relationship.

We had nothing but fun the first few months. He had moved into the house my husband had dumped on me and was trying to help me keep the payments up. We were like honeymooners. We went out almost every night and had more f [...]

moved out day 7

asleepytrance

It is now day 7. I am not much better than I was at the beginning. I haven't cried today, but I did have 2 very awful panic attacks today, while trying to get my normal errands done. I can not talk to my parents about this part, because they don't believe in panic attacks. The only person I have to talk to the even remotely understands is my currently in question boyfriend. I feel that I am addicted to having him around to hold me and do whatever it is I nee [...]

moved out day 6

asleepytrance

This would've been his last night here. If he had stayed I wouldn't be feeling this way, yet. Maybe given the time, I wouldn't be feeling this way at all. I feel so confusedall of the time. Without his presence here, I feel lost and alone. I hate this feeling. I hate not having someone to hold on to, or someone to hold on to me. I don't know if I will ever get used to it. It's almost as if he is dead, like he is gone forever, ev [...]

moved out day 5

asleepytrance

this is an email i sent him:

So I have been talking with my Dad. He seems to think that staying friends until we get to where we are trying to go is a good idea. He also said that dating didn't have to cost anything(so maybe hopeful that he would understand staying together?).

I am still crying on an off. I think maybe it is a little better. Not by much, though. I miss your presence, and I believe that that is due t [...]

Moved Out Day 3 1/2

asleepytrance

I am having a hard time going to sleep. The despair that I thought I was getting a break from is returning. When it is time to lay down and go to sleep, it is the time that everything fromthe day starts to hit me. And I am doing everything in my power not to think about what happened today. I want nothing more than to just be able to call him and ask him to talk to me until I fall asleep. The would be kind of inconsiderate, considering the circumstances.

Moved Out Day 3

asleepytrance

He and I talked today. We decided that we would be better off breaking up. I wanted to have an answer now, and he wanted to wait it out and see what happened. I just didn't thinkthat waiting it out would be very beneficial. I didn't want to wait, having hope that we would make, just to be disappointed and go through the hurt all over again. He understood. I can honestly say that we both didn't want to end it. But what we need from each other, [...]

Moved Out Day 2

asleepytrance

Now it's the second night since he left. I wish I could say that I was feeling better. I am no further at making a decision about the relationship than I was yesterday. The hole in my chest just seems to be getting bigger. I find myself crying at the most in opportune times. And frankly, it makes me feel a little crazy. Thankfully, I was at work alone today, so no one noticed.

Everyone keeps telling me to just let him go and move on. The p [...]

Boyfriend Moved Out Day 1

asleepytrance

I feel as if my whole world has been shattered like a mirror and I don't know which way to look to start putting it back together. Every reflection is more distorted than the next. I thoughtI had more time to prepare, and it was taken from me. Like someone threw a rock into my frame and now it is in pieces. I feel abandoned, mistreated, and ill considered. And I didn't see it coming.

How can I come back from this? Everyone around is watching [...]

In need of a Psychological ReBoot

asleepytrance

So, I have been struggling with the anxiety of being alone, unsheltered, unprotected, etc.... I know that I am depending on my boyfriend for company, and I also know that in our current stateof living with my parents, that we won't make it as a couple.

So, I have asked him to move out when he is able. This is not a new topic for us, he suggested it a few weeks ago, and of course I backed out. I think it would be healthier for the both of us to live apart and be on [...]

john and kate plus 8...

asleepytrance

I have been watching this John and Kate Plus 8 show, its a favorite of mine, and to see this couple(whether in a relationship or not) handle all of these children all at once is amazing to me. I think about my anxiety, stress, and overall miserable-ness and go 'if they can do that, how can I possibly be so terrified of my stuff'???

If anyone hasn't seen this show and are dealing with stress over bills, or life in general, give this one a try. It airs [...]

23 and back with my parents

asleepytrance

I recently moved back in with my parents. My boyfriend came with me, and things aren't working well at all. I was married for two years after quitting college, and after divorcing, found my current boyfriend and moved in with him. When things got financially rough, we came to my parents. That is the short of what has brought me here.

I know that my parents want the best for me. I know that my boyfriend also wants the best for me. But I don&# [...]