Vent-age

It is now day 7.  I am not much better than I was at the beginning.  I haven't cried today, but I did have 2 very awful panic attacks today, while trying to get my normal errands done.  I can not talk to my parents about this part, because they don't believe in panic attacks.  The only person I have to talk to the even remotely understands is my currently in question boyfriend.  I feel that I am addicted to having him around to hold me and do whatever it is I need to feel better.  But now that he can no longer live with me, how am I supposed to deal with it when I am on my own??

I am so scared, that even if I get to fix things with him, that I will still be no better during the times when I have to do things by myself.  I have no doctor options to help.  I am running out of my last prescription of klonopin at an alarming rate.  I have had to take it twice already today.  What happens when I run out?  I feel like I have no one to turn to.  Right now, talking to my boyfriend doesn't help, because it hurts me too much to remember that he won't be moving back.  It will be at least 8 months before we can live together again, if at all.

Everyone keeps telling me that time will make it better.  That  I will learn how to cope.  I just don't believe it.  I keep praying and praying that God will give me the strength to get past this.  That God will guide me to do what is right.  I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend.  But how can we put that into planning when everything is so hairy?  There is so much to be done concerning our relationship, that I am almost inclined to believe that we might be better off breaking up for good.  BUt I can't bring myself to do it.  

I have been moving through the motions as best as I can.........Eat something Check, Shower Check, WAke up Check, Go to work Check, Try not to break down at work Check......

This is a horrendous cycle.  I need it to end just to keep my sanity.  I don't know how to explain it any better than to say.  I am lost without him in my home.  And I don't know if having him during the in betweens will be enough.  I am frightened. I am afraid I am going to completely crack and end up in a psyche ward for being unable to cope.  I am afraid I am going to lose my new job, and fail in my new classes.  I don't have any friends.  I wish I had some I could hang out with that could truly understand what I am going through.  Everyone I talk just seems to nod and then change the subject.  

I just need some kind of peace.