Vent-age

This would've been his last night here.  If he had stayed I wouldn't be feeling this way, yet.  Maybe given the time, I wouldn't be feeling this way at all.  I feel so confusedall of the time.  Without his presence here, I feel lost and alone.  I hate this feeling.  I hate not having someone to hold on to, or someone to hold on to me.  I don't know if I will ever get used to it.  It's almost as if he is dead, like he is gone forever, even though I know he isn't.  Even though I know, he still wants to be in my life.  Even though I know he just wants to help me be mature enough to be on my own. Kind of like a right of passage, I guess.  If anything, everyone agrees that I need to me comfortable with being on my own.  I am the only one who wishes I didn't have to.  

I want to share my bed with him.  Not in a sexual way, just in a secure sort of way.  It makes me feel safe to have someone laying next to me.  It is maddening to keep waking up looking for him.  I tried to put pillows underneath the other side of the bed and imagine he was still here.  That just made things worse.  He left all of the romantic movies, because I used to love them.  I can't bear to even look at the titles now.

We are supposed to talk in a few days about how we are going to move on from this, or if we move on.  We seem to be leaning towards friendship.  Even though I know, I want to continue to be with him.  The problem is, no matter what the outcome, we won't be living together.  I will still have to struggle with being alone at night.  

I feel like everytime I drive away from where-ever I have seen him, that I am saying goodbye forever.  Logically, I know that I will see him eventually, but emotionally, I feel like I am losing him.  I can't enjoy anything I do.  I know I am in some sort of depression or anxiety.  I know that I have little self esteem left.  And I don't know how to fix this.

I want to be with him.  Even if it is only a few minutes after work, or one night a week playing a board game or walking through a store.  I don't know if my parents will ever allow him over for dinner.  I don't know if they will even condone me staying with him.  I know they just want what's best for me.  I know they are trying to be supportive.  But I also know that I am the only one that can make the decision that is best for me.  I hope that they will understand.  It's not like I am trying to run away to marry him.  Or making plans to move out there with him.  Though it is taking a lot of control not to consider it too seriously.  I just want to be able to see him and have a little time with him, when my life allows.  

I know that he has made some stupid mistakes.  But everyone does at some point.  And I also know that he will have to gain back my trust before we ever consider making plans for a future together.  But that is a long way off and the gaining of trust has to come first.  For now, I just want someone I can lean on occasionally.  And someone I can love who loves me back.  Someone that I can hang out with when I have had a bad day, or even a good one.  I think, in time, the rest will become more clear.  But right now, I have to find some way to be at peace with my current situation and I am far from that.