Vent-age

I am having a hard time going to sleep.  The despair that I thought I was getting a break from is returning.  When it is time to lay down and go to sleep, it is the time that everything fromthe day starts to hit me.  And I am doing everything in my power not to think about what happened today.  I want nothing more than to just be able to call him and ask him to talk to me until I fall asleep.  The would be kind of inconsiderate, considering the circumstances. 

I have a lot of people around me during normal business hours.  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't.  But who can I ask for help at 2 in the morning?  What can I do?  I have tried watching movies, listening to music, reading, but everything reminds me of him.  I wish I could just go to sleep and dream about the happier times, if only I could will myself to dream of him.  Even 3 days ago, even with the tit tat fighting, was better than this.  There is no end for this.  I had two hours today where my mind just shut down and I felt slightly normal.  Only to find out now that I am in complete denial.  Its sad that I can recognize my denial, and still cling to it.  I have videos on my computer and my phone of him that I can watch over and over again.  The problem is, I can't keep them in my head long enough to go to sleep in any sense of peacefulness.  There is no peacefulness about me now.  There is only my will not to let myself face what is happening that is going on right now.  I can't face it.  I can't let myself believe that it's over, just like that.

He was so calm today.  He was saying just a few days ago that he wasn't giving up.  But he just stood there and took it.  There was no elaborate ploy to win me back, there was nothing but him agreeing and saying that he had been pondering the end of our relationship for awhile.  He was supposed to not give up.  He was supposed to hold on and convince me that we could make it. 

But he didn't.  He didn't even try.  The last few days I have been waiting for him to do something elaborate for everyone to see that I should take him back.  I wanted him to hold a big sign in front of my car every morning that said: I MADE A MISTAKE, WILL YOU FORGIVE ME?.  And after a few days of tense waiting, I was supposed to go running to him and say yes.  I wanted everyone to see him try so that no one could have any reason to believe he didn't deserve me.  So that I could have no reason to believe it.....

What happened?  Why didn't he try?  Why did he have to hurt me so much?  Why do I feel like I have made the biggest mistake of my life?  When will this all go away?  When can I have my life back, my company, my family, my home?  Why did you take all of these things from me?  And when can I have them back?