Vent-age

Now it's the second night since he left.  I wish I could say that I was feeling better.  I am no further at making a decision about the relationship than I was yesterday.  The hole in my chest just seems to be getting bigger.  I find myself crying at the most in opportune times.  And frankly, it makes me feel a little crazy.  Thankfully, I was at work alone today, so no one noticed.

Everyone keeps telling me to just let him go and move on.  The problem is, I don't want to know what everyone else thinks.  Everyone else doesn't live my life.  Everyone else doesn't have to live with my decisions.  And everyone else doesn't completely understand my relationship.  It would be rude to just tell them to keep their opinions to themselves, especially my parents, since I do have to live with them thanks to this wonderful economy.  But, at some point, the pushing has got to stop.  How am I supposed to make what could be the most important decision in my life, if everyone keeps trying to persuade me to view things their way? It's like they seem to think that I don't notice the same things they do, that if they don't shout it out loud, then I would be oblivious.

I know exactly what hurt me.  My boyfriend moved out at the spur of the moment and 5 days earlier than we had planned.  He also failed to let me know that he was leaving.  Even though he claims that he was going to come back and talk to me before I had the chance to notice.  He has said that he's sorry.  And I am aware of the level of inconsideration it took for him to do that.  I am also aware that saying sorry it's going to fix my feeling of abandonment and distrust.  I am also aware that people do make stupid mistakes, and sometimes they're worth forgiving.  It wasn't but a year ago that he forgave me and took me back for something slightly similar.  It also could've been much worse than leaving, though I don't really want to ponder what could've been.

I am at a fork in the road.  I have told him that I want a week to think things over.  I know that there is a high probability that he will over-think a situation and not tell me something important again.  The problem is that I can't be blind-sighted. I don't handle it well.  The other problem is that he is the only person I can see myself spending my life with and I am afraid that if I end it, there will be no one else.  I know the whole 'there are other fish in the sea', but I am not getting any more attractive and I spent so much time helping him to know me, that I don't want all of that to be wasted.  No one understands me like he does.  He just seems to miss the obvious sometimes...

Still though, I am hurting.  I want nothing more than to run to him and take him back just to make it stop.  And for that reason, I am staying right where I am.