Unkempt Thoughts

This is a mean old world, try and live it by yourself.
This is a mean old world, try and live it by yourself.
Can't get the one you love, have to use somebody else.

 Mister Clapton, Mister Clapton, you and I are gonna have to spend some time together.

I had a discussion with someone last night, about how pointless life seems without the prospect of a future with someone else. I'm trying to make a future with myself something worth striving for. For so long I've tried to lose myself in other people. I've known for just about as long it could never work, yet I kept trying.

But I'd never experienced obsessive "love" before. Before that jackass. I swing between hating him and just not caring. I felt connected, is the thing of it. I felt like he understood. Like he understood me- not just the good parts. The shadowy parts. The mean parts. I don't know if he did, now.

I'd never hated someone so much when he left. I'd never wished ill on another person- not with the whole of my heart. But I hated him. Hated him. It ate at me.

And yet I was elated by it. I reveled in it.

I'm not proud of it. When he came around again, I did my damnedest to resolve that ball of loathing. I haven't entirely succeeded. Sometimes I still despise him. Sometimes I still find myself wishing he'd be hit by a fucking bus.

I'm on the edge of an upswing. I shouldn't be swinging. Or am I just balanced and happy and thus, productive? I had a good nights sleep last night. A great nights sleep in fact.

I'll think about it later, maybe. I don't always have to think about it. Now if you'll excuse me, Mister Clapton and I have a date with a treadmill.