Unhinged

Hello - Things?  Things have been not stable.  I am drinking a lot and paranoia has greatly increased. Been blacking out a lot and cant remember what or where I was for hours at a time.  Doc says its psychotic episodes.  How I am still able to work is beyond me.  Teressa (tdoc) says I am a highly functional bi-polar I because my cycles are so quick I am able to bounce back sometimes in as little as an hour.  This weekend I have been mostly down - ok all the time down.  Which not gonna lie but it feels good.  Comfortable to be in one spot.  I dont like not being motivaed to get off the couch or shower even but at least its a constant.  I am now in intensive outpatient group therapy.  Its okay, nothing like the ones I have been in before not in a good way but I'm going to give it another week or so before I try somewhere else.  I have been listening to my fav music all day.  For some reason even the happy music has been bringing me further down.  I guess I hope to get to the lowest point so I can bounce back but doc tweeked the meds so I am scared the meds wont let me hit rock bottom and sometimes that is the only way I can start to feel better.  I have been staying out of trouble though.  No violent outbursts in a long time.  I bought a new car on impulse last week.  I was so hypo manic.  Brand new MINI cooper.  I love it but it was on total impulse, I am so in debt with credit cards it probably was a horrible idea now that I have allowed myself to slow down and process what happened.  I hope to clean today, but its already getting late in the day so I dont know.  This place is a disaster, cant seem to even care much.  Brodee is gaining weight from me being out of touch and sick lately.  I go see Blue October Friday and I always feel so much better after watching them play.  They are magic, lyrical geniouses.  Anyway thats pretty much all I got, I feel like a hot mess, a tangled web but I am in IOP so fingers crossed I can get stable.