Unhinged

And let the withdrawl begin like a fucking ribbon cutting ceremony.  Everyone else is clapping but I want to cut my fingers off one by one to drain the pain from my body.  I can almostfeel the heavy blood flowing out of each outlet and my body completely relaxes.  Loud music cannot drown the noise of the crowd cheering me on as I scream in pain and hit the damp ground trembling in fear of dying.  Please let me start over, just let me try again.  I would be a better child.  Mom wouldnt have to be violent or yell.  I'll be better in school and pick people that she approves of to be friends.  I would stay away from drugs forever and be a good girl and just say no.  I would skip the whole foster care experience...every mind numbing detail because mom would be busy watching me win the state softball game and I tear up as I see the approval in her eyes.  No disappointment,  shes proud im hers.  I'll get a scholorship and become someone important.  Someone popular and changing lives.  Someone who the news wants to interview and moms at home with tears of overwhelming happiness in her eyes.  I'll marry a boy who takes care of my needs and lifts me up.  I'll have the perfect child and teach him love.  Please just let me start over I'll be good I promise.  Instead im in this body whose brain cant ever find a direction appropriate for me and im in constant disagreement with myself and im not the child she wanted.  Im a fucked up drugged up basketcase.  Pills keep be contained with some sort of false idetity like your fucked lets ship you off to a new location and new ID so no one knows who you really are.  Im trembling - someone is after me and i hate everything about me and I hate everyone else.  Just cut my fingers instead of the ribbon, I dont want to run this race anymore.