Dear Dad,

I'm still thinking of you everyday, it hasn't gotten any easier yet.  I feel so guilty for letting you go.  Was it the right thing to do?  Was it really what you wanted?  How do I know that you really wouldn't have recovered?  Maybe you could've been one of those miricles and maybe you could've recovered just fine.  Now I'll never know because I let you die.  They told me you had too much brain damage and that you were already gone in your mind, if that's true then how come you knew I was there.  You squeezed my hand and tried to rub my side like you were telling me that it's okay, like you were trying to comfort me.  That is what bothers me, I feel like you were still there, you knew what was going on and you could've been alright.  Why did you have to be home alone when you had your heart attack and stokes? Why couldn't someone find you sooner-you might still be here.  It's not fair dad.  You still had at least 20 more years, I wish me and Ruben would've gotten married already so that you would've been there.  Now if we ever do I can't have you walk with me.  I have so many questions and not enough answers.  I feel so torn inside and I can't talk to Ruben about it.  Uncle Mike tries to make me feel better but I don't want to cry too much to him because I lost my dad but he also lost his brother.  I know it's painful for him too.  Then on top of everything we are still waiting to hear from the insurance company.  I don't care if they approve the claim or not.  I'm not interested in getting money from your death.  I don't want it-I want you.  This will be the first Father's Day that I can't call you.  I think that's why I'm thinking of you so much.  Anytime something is coming up that has to do with you it makes me think of you more and more.  I love you so much.  I've been thinking about calling or writing to mom.  I'm not sure that I can.  I couldn't forgive her when you were alive, I don't think I can do it for you now either.  I know I need to say something to her, I need to release all the anger and all the emotions I have for her.  I need to move on and I think doing that will help.  I blame her for so much and I blame myself.  You never failed as a dad, you are always a hero to me.  I'll always think of you that way, you didn't fail, if anything I failed you as a daughter.  I remember seeing you this time in that dream, you seemed sad but alittle happy at the same time.  I'll be waiting to see you again.  I love you, I wish you would come back.

Love you Love me--Charlotte