Tom's Book of Hell

Erin and I both love board games, I am teaching her Chess, she is a fast learner and enjoys the game.  We played till midnight last night.  I went to bed, she stayed up playing on the computer.  About 3:00 am I woke up to an empty bed.  I went into the living room and she was laid out on the love seat.  I instantly got angry, I woke her up and told her to go to bed.  I went into the office to post here and she came into the office talking to me.  I was still pretty heated and I was trying to bet my computer to do what I wanted it to do.  I told her she had rejected me and I got pissed at computer so I slammed my mouse down.  It scared her.

She was in a bad place after that.  She called out to me and I did not hear what she had said because of my breathing machine.  I heard no movement so I went out to see what was happening, she was on the floor and she was crying, because of my dumb ass she was crying.  I tried to comfort her but as I had done to her she did to me and pushed me away.  I apoligized for my actions and explained why I had done what I did and why I had been so angry.  After a while I got up and went back to bed.

I am shaking as I write this, she told me that she had slept on loveseat to keep me from becoming frisky, and when I get frisky we end up doing things that we are not ready for.  She thought she was doing both of us a favor, I told her I feel secure with her next to me.

Damn it all comes down to communictions, neither of us had spoken to the other, I could have woken her gently and asked her to come to the bed and she most likely would have.  When I was pissed at my computer could have rebooted the damn thing instead of smashing mouse into the desk top.  When she called to me could have moved faster to comfort her and let her know not angry.  I have been taking can not spell it but will try tosterone.  I had doubled up on dose and I can see the difference in my temper, I snapped at a kid playing battletech the other day and notice that my tolerance is much lower than usual.  I beleive that may have had something to do with my attitude last night, I over dosed for about 4 days and did not yesterday, but still have high levels I am sure. 

I do not know what I am going to do with myself, I am so afraid that I am going to continue the cycle of abuse from my last relationship.  It always starts with yelling then get worse from there.  God help me I swore I would never hurt anyone again.  If I feel like I am headed down the same road, I will talk to Erin and see what she wants to do.