|Apr 10 2012|
Yesterday was such drama. Saul kept texting me... asking me to understand that if anything should happen... I shouldnt blame myself, that I am the sweetest person he has ever known, and I have doneeverything I could to help him, that I deserve better and should move forward. I kept trying to call him, but he wasnt answering... but the texts kept coming... after the initial panicking... I told him I couldnt condone his taking his life, and wouldnt give him my permission, he asked that I not call the police as he didnt want to be arrested or in the hospital again.... then he started texting things like ... I am a doomed trainwreck, I should have never been born, etc... so I asked him if he had a plan... instant change... everything went from a tone of meloncholia to sad to anger.... He said he was just venting, for godsake... why do I have to take things so dramatically.. no, he wasnt going to do anything like that, geesh!!!
By this time.. Im a wreck.. mascara everywhere, and Im driving to work... I had to pull over and sit for a few minutes, I was shaking and anxious.. And I called him, this time, he picked up.. told him to call his therapist.. he needs to get stabilized. He says, theres no magic pill to fix my problems... I told him theres no magic pills, that everyone has problems, but most people are able to focus on solutions instead of dwelling on the negative, and once he is on meds and stays on them long enough to see a result, he might be in a better frame of mind to solve his own problems.
He texted me later to say that he had made an appt with a psychiatrist, but the soonest he could get in is May 8th, and he couldnt make any promises but that he would try to hang in there until then. Its all I can ask...
I had to apply my own advice here (cuz it is good advice) and not focus on the negative, but start working towards solutions but I am a little pissed off... How come I never get the chance to completely let go and fall apart? I wanna start over fresh, but I cant cus I always have all this baggage and drama that hinders me... I wanna go crazy... I think there would be some relief in that.. But nooooo...
Anyway, today... Im going to try and focus on the positive.. not looking for silver linings.. just making it thru the day intact!!
I wish I could call in sick on my life
He doesnt think hes bi-polar (sigh)
I can/I cant... is this even normal???
Im such a coward and a crybaby!
Members who read this post also read:
Hard to work.
A nice way to start the day........
are our lives processed by our subconscious?