|Apr 13 2012|
This whole week has been nothing but drama... I have so much to do, and cant get it done because so much of my time is being taken up with Sauls behavior. Everyday, it is some kind of crisis. He hasntbeen back to work since his yelling at a member of the public. He says he knows he is going to get fired.. when i tell him he knows no such thing, and that he needs to put on his big boy pants and come clean with his boss about what is going on here, it comes down to hes afraid to face the music as usual.
Today, I got a text saying that the money I lent him wasnt enough so he was going to go ahead and take out another payday loan, and that he called in sick again.. So I called him and said"Whats going on? You cant go to work and your going to make another poor choice?" and he hung up on me. I was soooo angry!!! I took back the money I transferred to his account, I changed the password. I texted him that I was done helping him, all I get in return is disrespect and selfishness... he says hes not going to argue with me ever again, and that he hung up on me in an attempt to keep that from happening. Hes the irrational one, but I always have to operate under his terms.... I am so sick of this... really. If he loses his job, I am done with him... the one and only thing I have asked from him, despite everything he has done to me is that he carry my insurance until I can have my surgery. If he cant do that.. Im cutting my losses. I love him, but I cant trust him and I am sick and tired of feeling like shit. I am giving him money to cover his poor desicions and Trevor and I are going without. What kind of fucked up world am I living in? I am losing my home because of him, I am losing my health because of him, I am financially fucked because of him. And really... what does he offer in return? Use of his computer? Death threats and intimidation?? Being called everyname in the book? A credit score of 510? Feeling crazy for trying to be rational? Being responsible for him and his poor choices? To hell with this!!! Hes got a psych appt in May to get back on meds... IF he hasnt lost his job and IF he follows through with the appt... Ill try and help in minimal ways... but if either of those fall thru... I am gone...I am washing my hands AND running away as fast as I can.. if HE decides to kill himself.. it is not MY responsibility!!! if HE makes poor choices HE will suffer the consequences!!!
I CANNOT BEGIN TO CONVEY HOW BROKEN HEARTED, DRAINED AND UNCARING i FEEL RIGHT NOW. I am having a tough time functioning at a time when I need to be on the ball... I cant believe what has happened to me. I wish I could just curl up in a ball and block out the world for a few days
Standing up for myself
Boring, even to me
I wish I could call in sick on my life
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