Diary Entries for DefChick

How do I be okay?

DefChick

I am pretty much fed up with this life. To bring myself up to speed here... I gave Saul another chance. He blew it... again. I still love him... or rather, the man I married, the man I used to know. He is no longer that man, and I need to get past this. After he had promised me to commit to making our marriage work and not take away from that by making new "friends". Thats exactly what he did. I picked up his phone, thinking it was mine and saw a message to her saying"I wish I [...]

Dear Future Self....

DefChick

Dear Future Self.... the next time you think about feeling sorry for Saul, the next time you think you miss him because you remember how good it used to be, remember this....

He told you thathe only used these dating sites to not feel so lonely, that he never met anyone, or even had meaningful conversation.. and that was only in the first few weeks of our seperation and that he hasnt even thought about it since... then remember that today, you found that he has sent strange women pictur [...]

Im back

DefChick

I cant believe so much time has passed. looking at these entries seems likeso long ago, so much has happened!!! First, the good stuff... I have lost 70 pounds, and I have a roof over my head.

The not-so-good... I have moved in with Peter and Kat... Kat, as it turns out... is JUST like Saul but WORSE! I am no doctor but she behaves just like Saul, except that she is a spoiled princess, she is an emotional tyrant and has no remorse. She has threatened to hurt me, kill me and is so v [...]

Where to start?

DefChick

This has been such an incredibly crazy week. It feels never ending. First, we had our garage sale last week...The night before, my friend Mike, had a meltdown all over me... I have a box full of smallgift boxes... nice ones, I collect them throughout the year, so at Christmas, or any other gift-giving time, I have the right size. I have been doing this for years. Mike came across said box in my craft room, and said he was going to throw them away. I gulped, took a deep breath and said "O [...]

missing?

DefChick

My husband was supposed to go to the doctor today to get back on meds. He had a complaint lodged against him at work last week for yelling at someone. He has been afraid to go back to work since, and today wouldve been the day to go back and face the music. I spoke with him in text last night, and everything seemed fine, he said he was going to take a Seroquel to help him get a good nights rest. But I havent heard from him today. He normally sends me a message just wishing me a good day.. He nor [...]

A minor breakthru??

DefChick

We might have had a minor breakthrough today... My sons were helping me sort through all the closets and cupboards... and I texted Saul to see if he wanted something or nother... which led to me sayingit was sad having to get rid of all this stuff... He texted back that Its just stuff and only to get rid of things that were not significant or personal. I texted "It might just stuff to you, but its MY stuff, and I am sad about having to get rid of it. I deal with it by whining, crying and [...]

Is bipolarity contagious?

DefChick

On the surface... that sounds like a stupid question. But day after day of dealing with my husbands bipolarity is driving me insane. I find myself questioning every move I make.. is this gonna set ---- off?? It could be anyone.. my boss, my friends, my kids and of course, my husband. I feel like I am living in some other dimension where rationality and logic are abnormal and Im not even sure what it is anymore.

One minute, Im mad as hell at Saul for putting me in this situation, and I a [...]

So far, so bad

DefChick

This whole week has been nothing but drama... I have so much to do, and cant get it done because so much of my time is being taken up with Sauls behavior. Everyday, it is some kind of crisis. He hasntbeen back to work since his yelling at a member of the public. He says he knows he is going to get fired.. when i tell him he knows no such thing, and that he needs to put on his big boy pants and come clean with his boss about what is going on here, it comes down to hes afraid to face the music [...]

So far so good

DefChick

So far today, there hasnt been any drama, and I hope it stays that way. I went to see my therapist today and she pointed out that anger is a difficult emotion for me... I told her I am afraid to getangry... If I do.. the sky will rain fire and cities will burn! It will be total chaos and destruction, so i always keep things in check. when i get angry, I am afraid of losing control and doing and saying things that will be harmful and irrevocable. She pointed out the difference between rage and [...]

What kind of monster am I??

DefChick

The drama never ends... After an agonizing day at work (7 hours on my feet with maybe 3 hours of sleep... afraid to take a painkiller, afraid I would topple right over!) I go to check my phone.. mymom is having heart surgery today, and I have been thinking about her all day. There are texts from Saul instead, saying That he blew up at work, might get fired, hes cycling thru emotions every 2 mins and cant function or think, he knows there is no help out there, so he doesnt know what to do....< [...]

What a day!!!!

DefChick

Yesterday was such drama. Saul kept texting me... asking me to understand that if anything should happen... I shouldnt blame myself, that I am the sweetest person he has ever known, and I have doneeverything I could to help him, that I deserve better and should move forward. I kept trying to call him, but he wasnt answering... but the texts kept coming... after the initial panicking... I told him I couldnt condone his taking his life, and wouldnt give him my permission, he asked that I not ca [...]

I cant keep doing this

DefChick

I dont know what to do anymore... I dont want to go on like this... looking at a future that is soooo far from anything I ever wanted and feeling helpless to change it. I walked through my house thismorning... and looking at all the things I need to get rid of or pack away or whatever you do with it.. and its not the items so much, I obviously can live without most of it.. but what it symbolize. Everything I saved for, worked for... that dresser, I refinished that when I was pregnant with Tre [...]

One more reason

DefChick

Yesterday I decided I would make phone calls instead of texting.... and I had to fill Saul on what was going on, he was getting stressed out because he has to pay a red light violation ticket , $100that neither of us have, And he was saying how we (I) needed to sell off some stuff so he could pay that and his payday loans.... I told him I needed to check out a few things on the treadmill in the garage, see if it still worked, I would put it on craigs list.i could hear him getting stressed, an [...]

A day in the life

DefChick

warning!!! This is a long one

Yesterday, was a typical day... let me lay it out for you...

I woke up at 4:30am with my hips and back in agony... got up and made some tea, took a pill, played some Castleville, got ready for work.

I am a bank teller, and when we buy or sell money from the vault, it has to be done with 2 people.. since it takes people off the teller line, it is common courtesy, and a long standing practice that you ask everyone if they need anything so it does [...]

Standing up for myself

DefChick

Today, I met Saul for dinner and a movie...we made an agreement just to enjoy the day and not dwell on our problems for the day. It went perfectly.. no tense or awkward moments. When we were sittingin the movies... our hands naturally found each others, and it was nice, low key and comfortable. I miss having moments like that... but I am not letting it tempt me or distract me from keeping my boundries and lowering my guard.

He says his therapist agrees with him that he is not bipo [...]

Boring, even to me

DefChick

I just got back from my therapists officeand I dont know how much good it does me. I just talk a lot. Pretty much like I do to you Dear Diary. She says Im making progress. That when I first startedseeing her, I wouldnt entertain the thought of living in the house without paying the rent, and yet... here I am doing just that... viola!!progress!!!... errrr... no.. I think my will to live or fight the inevitable is eroding, thats all.

She agrees that my abdominal condition loo [...]

DROWNING

DefChick

Right this moment...if I could, I would do what I have to do to be out of this pain. I feel like I am on the shore... and the tide rolls in, and I hurt so bad, physically and emotionally, and I cantsee anything but the water, trying to drown me as it rises higher and higher and crashes all around me. And Im struggling, Im paddling and Im going nowhere real fast.. and just as I am sure I am going under, just as soon as I think I cant keep my head up one second longer... the waves lessen and re [...]

I wish I could call in sick on my life

DefChick

I wish I could call in sick today.... I just dont want to deal....I dont want to put on my fake smile (which I do sooo well) and kiss ass. I wanna stay home and take enough pain meds to not feel thepain. I wanna just BE.... not to have to go somewhere or do something... its not even noon, and I have already taken care of someone being overdrawn and paid some bills and making arrangements for someones traffic ticket. and I gotta go pick up T from school soon, then try and grab a bite to eat an [...]

He doesnt think hes bi-polar (sigh)

DefChick

I met with my husband tonight to bring him some of his stuff. We met at Walmart. Sat in the Subway and talked for a while. It went well for the most part. He was telling me how tough he has it financially, how his paycheck is gone as soon as he gets it, how the Payday loans he took out are 200% interest (I begged him not to take out those loans) and then he asked how I was. I told him about this website, and how it had been a big help to me... meeting others who have been through what Ive bee [...]

I can/I cant... is this even normal???

DefChick

So, my son called the landlords, and of course they are not Happy that I cant pay the rent, but they are being incredibly understanding. They told him that they know Im doing everything I can. and I had Peter reassure them that they will be paid back in full and then some. They said I shouldnt be afraid to talk to them and they will work with me.

No one seems to understand.. its not so much that Im afraid.. I am ashamed... deeply ashamed and humiliated by not being able to meet my oblig [...]