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tired of life..

I sometimes doubt that I need to be here..

I'm lost in my life.

Jul 09 2012

I don't know what to do with my life anymore. All of my dreams are gone. Things I wanted in my life didn't happen. I lost everything.

I can't be alone. I need people around me. I feel so hopeless. When I am all by myself I start think about my mum, about my ruined life and I started feel so depressed. I can't stand it. I need get out of here. I hate everything. Every day is the same. Every day is full of shit. I woke up, I go to work, I come home from work, go to sleep. And day after all over again. I lost everything.

Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend. He was a real asshole, but I loved him so much. He was extremely jealous, he worked a lot and when he came home he was just awful to me. We fought every single day. Only because he had problems at work. And because of his jealousy. When I didn't pick up phone, he thought I was with someone else. When I needed to work, he thought I was with someone else. When I opened a bottle of wine and drank a glass, he thought I was drinking with someone else. But I still loved him. I still do love him.

My ex-boyfriend is just one part. He made things better. But school and family.. thats another part. Even more painful. I couldn't finish university I studied because of problems in family. And also because of a big amount of pills I take for depression. I couldn't focus on study. So I end it and apply for another school. But I didn't make it. So I work. And I hate it.

I hate everything. Really everything. I don't have friends, because of my ex-boyfriend. I lost contacts. It's unbearable for me to be alone. My depressions make me crazy when I'm alone. And I really don't know what to do.... So please somehow help me.

Previous diary posts by vlnka:

I'm loosing it...
I miss her so much
I feel so sad.

I don't know what to do
life

Comments (4) Add Comment

written by kildare56, July 09, 2012

Hello Vinka! It is very nice to meet you, even if by internet. I have dealt with many of the things you seem to be going through. You should know there are many friends here if you will let us in. A diary entry was a big step, and I am certain it was not easy to speak of such things. May I ask if you have any medications? They do not solve things, but they can help. You are such a young lady to feel so hopeless. We must try to change that. I do not know much of your country, so please excuse my ignorance. What work are you doing? Are you in a city? I do not mean to sound nosy, but I would help if I can, and that is easier done if I know more about you. Warmest regards.

written by vlnka, July 09, 2012

Hi, I'm really glad you responded.
It's really hard to write about this. I can't talk about it, it's too much, but I think I can write. Thats easier for me. Maybe because its anonymous. I don't know. Doesn't matter.
I study in Prague, capital city of Czech Republic. I am from Bratislava, capital city of Slovakia. Slovakia and Czech Republic were together 20 years ago.. so studying here is like studying at home. It takes 4 hours by bus to get home, so its okay.
Prague is big city. Lots of people here. Lots of strangers, not just czech people.
Now, I'm working in a shopping center, in small shop. I sell handbags. It's not a hard job, I sit there all day, with notebook and Internet. So I have a lots of time. To think, and thats the problem. I have no contacts with people there. Only few customers a day. So its a little bit of depressing. And then I come home, to empty room at students house. So I am all alone, all the time.
I take a lots of medications. And I think it isn't helping me. I tend to abuse it. Take more pills if I feel down. Also, sometimes I tend to drink alcohol with my meds. So I think medications not work for me. I have psychotherapist. It's almost a year I go there and take meds, but no change. Its even worse.. smilies/sad.gif

written by kildare56, July 09, 2012

I have history as a hobby. I know that sounds odd, but I do know of the break up of Czechoslovakia into its two mother countries. I think it must be hard for many who were used to the old ways. You are right in the the alcohol will defeat the purpose of the medicines, especially anti-depressants. Your English is remarkably good. You should feel good about that. If it not too much, may I ask what medicines you take? I seek only to help, if I can.

written by sharone, July 10, 2012

vlnka, kildare's right, you're not alone here. I also come from the school of hard knocks...in the USA, that's a euphamism for having a tough life, a lot of hurdles. Do you think you might feel less overwhelmed if you handled just one problem area in your life at a time? Say, if you started with the boyfriend...it sounds as though you made a great move! Of course you'll miss him. But, you can move on to other things. Depression doesn't have to last forever. It can serve a purpose and get resolved. Anyway, like kildare, I'm around and there'll be others, too, to talk with! smilies/wink.gif