The Sadness Sinkhole

I have paid attention to how I've felt. Since I went on my drug combo, things have been better. I've felt more determined.

One thing and another, my med regimen has been upset a bit, but I've still been going pretty strong. Not always as well as I'd like, but better than not at all, and I've been able to keep my head up, in spite of shortcomings.

Fast-forward to the past week or so...some difficulties with the children have arisen, in which I've been, uh, less than calm. I haven't dealt WELL, but I have dealt with the issues.

Then, I had a night where I was thinking about my mother and the bud of a relationship thing that ended in a way that I didn't want it to. I started crying, without being able to help it. No worries, it was a tough subject matter.

Last night, however, it was wholly different. I had the crying, but it was incongruent with anything else I'd been thinking of. A few frustrations, perhaps, but nothing to get all bent out of shape over. My mood plummeted, until I felt hopelessness and pointlessness, until suicidal ideation reared its head.

I've maintained my perspective, today, but keep listing in the direction of pointlessness. I keep distracted, etc. I can see how my perspective has remained level most of the time, and how it was like a huge sinkhole opened up under me, and now that I've climbed out of it, that I'm not on completely solid footing, but at least I'm not sliding back in.

I'll fight like hell to keep from falling back in, but if I do, I will fight like hell to get back out. *sigh* I'm glad I can see the difference.