Diary Entries for stolenheart

The Happiness Trap

stolenheart

Since my mother's mental break, I've been on an interesting journey. I wobbled off my med regimen, in part due to money issues and other such.

My primary doc took over my medications, but I haven't taken them.

I've been "fine," even though he said that it's likely that I'd have to stay on them the rest of my life.

So, I log in, tonight, and decide to reread the Sadness Sinkhole post. I think I need to go on my meds, to help stave off what my [...]

The Sadness Sinkhole

stolenheart

I have paid attention to how I've felt. Since I went on my drug combo, things have been better. I've felt more determined.

One thing and another, my med regimen has been upset a bit, but I've still been going pretty strong. Not always as well as I'd like, but better than not at all, and I've been able to keep my head up, in spite of shortcomings.

Fast-forward to the past week or so...some difficulties with the children have arisen, in which I've been, uh, [...]

Mount Mania

stolenheart

I think my mother is manic. She's was committed last night. My daughter asked how she was. I said to think of it as if Mom was climbing a mountain.

She still thinks it's March, and is still suspicious of the staff. She whispered, "They're not affiliated with the Seventh-Day Adventist Church (which she is). They want to keep me here." I reassured her that I woudn't let them keep her longer than necessary. She still trusts me so much, for which I'm grat [...]

12 Days on Med Combo And...

stolenheart

I had some crazy side effects, but the Serotonin Syndrome did not recur. Yay!

Omigosh, I was sweating buckets at work, and had to go into our walk-in refrigerator to try to cool down. Onetime, I was in there for 5 minutes and was still sweating when I left! Leaving work, it was 50 or 60 degrees, and it felt AWESOME! Well, 33 degrees didn't cool me down too quickly, so 50 or 60 wouldn't. lol.

Now, I seem to be back to normal. Have even lost a little weight, I think, b [...]

Tomorrow starts Wellbutrin

stolenheart

Okay, so I've been taking Zoloft, and tomorrow I'm supposed to start Wellbutrin, again.

I don't know if it's the Zoloft, but each afternoon, I get near to lethargic, but then, still have trouble sleeping. (Trouble sleeping could be related to the fact that I've been flirting with someone at the new place where I've been picking up hours. lol.)

Anyway, I'm nervous. It's Christmas week, and I REEALLY don't want to have Serotonin Syndrome, again, [...]

Weird sensations...

stolenheart

Tonight, my son was touching my arm, and I had already been feeling queasy, but when he touched me, I recoiled, because I nearly vomited in response.

Also, I've noticed that my sheets almostalways feel damp to me, like they were pulled straight from the washing machine which does a good job of spinning out most of the water. It's like they're "nearly dry" but uniformly damp. I aske my daughter, and she says they're dry.

Last night, I also noticed a flashi [...]

Time Warp...

stolenheart

Okay, I told Marriedtoit that I was putting in with God for a time warp, so I can get my Christmas shopping done. Well, it seems like I've been given one, only...it's SHORTENED time, insteadof LENGTHENED time.

I am SO TIRED. I went into work this morning, but felt like I needed to close my eyes. I pittered around on the comp, then checked the time. I swear, it felt like 5 minutes passed and it was only like a friggin' half hour!

I was sent home (supposed to come [...]

The pdoc said...

stolenheart

"You may need a mood stabilizer." She named a few, then said she prefers Lamictal, and I'm to do research on it.

We're going to titrate the Zoloft/Wellbutrin combo, seehow that works out, then try Lamictal.

I had been thinking that she and I didn't mesh too well, wasn't really very happy with her manner, at first, but the fact that she took my serotonin syndrome symptoms seriously told me a lot. She does care. Today, she took a step back and starte [...]

The Last Email

stolenheart

This is the last email to Jack, sent on Nov. 1,

You may not want to read this...but realize that I don't want to write it. I'm exhausted. I can't stop thinking about you and how this all went down, and with you so completely in the dark. So, here it is. I told Kev some of it, because I wanted him to help you find some reason in what I did, without having all of the facts. But I can't deal with the idea that I've left you clueless. I'm sorry. I asked for help, and as [...]

GRR!!! These Little Arcs!

stolenheart

I remember a time when I would wham-wham-wham! get things done! Where da eff has dat gone???? I'll get the urge to knock out a few chores, and I'm in it for 5 minutes before I am cursing likea sailor, fit to be tied.

Some days, it doesn't bother me. I swallow my pride and just do it. Other days, I couldn't give a...Sugar Honey Iced Tea.

I'm not hitting a full depression, but I keep doing these bitty ups and downs. Just enough to get me going in a directi [...]

Slipping my mind...

stolenheart

I keep having issues with sleep. Suddenly, being so tired I can hardly move. I fell asleep on the couch the other night, and my bladder was full. I slept 5 hours before I got up to go to the bathroom. lol

Then, last night, I took my son to Scouts and fell asleep in the car, to make sure I could make it home. Those seats are NOT comfortable, but I slept HARD. I was tired when I woke up.

Not only that, but I'm having some vocabulary problems that I used to notice when I had ful [...]

Mistress Mania

stolenheart

She's had his heart, all along. There's no way I could ever compete. When manic, the only thing I could do is be her hands, her lips, or speak her words.

Dear Jack,

Do youlove her more than me, your Mistress Mania? She makes you do regrettable things. You can only have one of us. Somehow, I know which you'll choose...Yes, I think you've already chosen.

Roiling Thought

stolenheart

I'm listening to Bjork's "Hyper-Ballad." It seems appropriate. lol.

I was lying in bed, trying to get a few winks. Suddenly, I was seized by all sorts of creative thought. I mean...I feel like writing them down, but they're going so fast, I don't know if I can...if I can even remember them. I remember a few flashes. That's it. It's like a dream, but I was not dreaming. It would be impossible to describe the thoughts. It's bette [...]

Agitated

stolenheart

My thoughts border on the obsessive. I've got another sinus infection. I ache. I'm exhausted! And I can't sleep.

I get bored with everything. I accomplish so little. I'vewatched I don't know how many episodes of Cheers, because it actually does cheer me up...until an important episode regarding the love interests comes on.

I may have to switch back to the Munsters, or do another watch-through of Better Off Ted...or actually wash my dishes, or buy more mu [...]

Afraid of My Own Mind

stolenheart

Holding steady on the depression front, I am. But sleep is an issue, lately. Once again, the thoughts swirl like disturbed bats in a cave.

I don't know what to do. Read? I so desperately want to sleep and be on a schedule. This is one thing feeding my job dissatisfaction. While my hours are similar each week, it's not a solid schedule, and it's ticking me off.

Of course, the thoughts I keep thinking in my unstable sleep pattern pertain to Jack. Tonigh [...]

What's New/Next Stolenheart?

stolenheart

I'm actively starting up the job search again. (Note to self: You need printer ink, lazy bones!)

Still working on getting my college schedule set. Making some difficult decisions. (Anotherlinear year of college and get the minor or say eff the minor and graduate next fall?)

I joined Venturing with my daughter. Um, not going so well, just now. I ran out of printer ink while trying to get my training certificate printed, and there's no proof that anyone can find that I took [...]

Missing - One Bipolar Man

stolenheart

Last seen carrying a heart, presumed stolen. Early 30s, 6ft tall, English accent.

Fuckin' hell. Can't figure why I miss him so much. :(

Take this job and shove it...

stolenheart

No, I haven't said that to my manager, but I keep listing dangerously close to this feeling. I'm SO ready to be out of this job, but not ready to be out of a A job!

I'm tiredof the lack of professionalism, and to be honest, it's on me now. I have felt my professionalism slip, and...maybe it's the environment, in general, but the whole thing just rubs me wrong. I've always tried to maintain a level of civility, professionalism, and friendliness with the peop [...]

Sun, What Right Have You To Shine?

stolenheart

Winter is upon us,

Winter of the soul.

The heart is laced with ice.

The yearning turns me cold.

I see the monochrome trees.

I touch the steel leaves.

I see the false-color sky.

I feel the captured breeze.

My lover is trapped.

In a bland cocoon he's wrapped.

Inside a pseudo-sphere,

To a monochrome tree, he's strapped.

Sun, shine on, be stout.

Erase all tears, all [...]

Emails to Jack After WWIII

stolenheart

Subject: I love you more than anything...

But I won't be taking bullshit.

What was bullshit?
Well, the thing I already sent you the message about.
Second, was telling me that you wouldn't invite me to the party because there was another woman and I would be all...whatever, I didn't hear because I was talking too. That's bullshit, because I'm not like that.
Third, having a go at me WITH KC in the party. What, were you trying [...]