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Claire138"It's been a year since I joined the Parkinson's Disease Support Group on MDJunction and all I can say is thank you all for the support, compassion and friendship I've received and been able to give as well. It was a lonely night when I came upon this site, but the nights aren't that lonely anymore...
With gratitude to all...
Claire138 (aka Bonnie)
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stolenheart "Where all the thoughts have escaped the cage and vamp across the spiritual plane." ~Sixpence None the Richer


A glutton for punishment?

Apr 21 2011

Jack seemed to think so. lol. He also said if I'd told him to F off, he would be able to handle it better than me being understanding. I guess, if I was a total bitch, he could feel justified. (This was my ex's thinking, too, although, outwardly, I could do no right, but with Jack, it seems he recognizes that I am not a total bitch and because I'm not, he feels that much more guilty.)

I replied that I do know some of what I'm in for. You all know that. I know it's a difficult illness. According to Jack, it's the worst. He quoted Churchill who called it his "Black dog of despair." It's a huge challenge for the loved ones, as well, particularly the SO and children, the ones closest to the affected person.

Well, my dad was dx'd with it, also.  I developed strategies to deal with his intellectual rampages, you know, talking about current events, etc. I became exceptionally skilled at the art of validation. I developed a thick skin, and under the protective cloak of validation, maintained my mental independence. Well, I didn't tell him all of this. 

Anyway, I didn't tell him all of that. I did tell him I've been reading as much as I could, not only to know what's coming with him, but to determine if I was raised by a bipolar parent.

I said that I think I see beyond the disorder, to who he is. I used something Angel said as an example. She said her husband was a good man and deserved to have someone in his corner. I see him that way. I see the mess that BPD makes and it breaks my heart. But when Jack is "himself," he is fundamentally a good man. He feels real remorse. He sees things the way I see them. We get along splendidly and have lots of fun together. 

I pointed out again how I'd dealt with depression and how I would nearly beg my ex to give me something tangible to do so I could prove my worth with something I could SEE that I could relate to him being happy with me. I knew he wasn't happy, but if I could do something that would take the edge off my depression for him, I would feel less useless. So, say he wanted me to do dishes, and that would help him enough that he could easily bear the burden of my depression, dishes = less burden = steady building love = my usefulness. Somehow, I had to translate feelings I couldn't feel to something I could relate to emotions by proxy. Does that make sense?

I think I did a better job explaining it to Jack. lol.  I also mentioned how my ex didn't really help in this matter. I suppose he was so caught up in his own anger that talking about it would make him say things we'd both regret? I have no idea. Having lived that, I understand Jack's feelings of being so wrong and never being able to make up for it. I told him, during my depression, I saw no reason for my ex to love me. 

So, I told him, also, how it feels when Jack and I are on speaking terms.  "...I get some of that feeling of flowers blooming. lol. It makes me feel like all is right. The messes don't bother me, the bills don't bother me. I find myself more important than when we're not talking. I want to do things, change things. And we don't even have to talk everyday. Just knowing you care makes me feel that way." 

I care about him as a friend. Yes, even more than a friend. When he's not swinging, he's so much better to me than my ex, but not in a wimp way. I don't want a guy who would lay down like a doormat for me.  I've never seen him that way, but yet, he says the things I say to others, to me. He seems to regard me, in a way that even few of my male friends have. 

It's over the internet. True. Linearly, we've talked for a year and 8 months. We haven't met, yet. The timing sucks. I don't know what the future holds, but if I can be a positive in his life, that's what I want to be.  



Previous diary posts by stolenheart:
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written by lollipop, April 22, 2011
Stolenheart, I think you are a very giving person. It's wonderful that you are able to see past that "black dog of despair" to the beautiful person Jack is. And I know what you mean when you say it doesn't matter if you talk everyday or not, the good feelings linger and stress in your life doesn't seem so overwhelming. I'm happy for you.

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