Diary Entries for Lauracat

I GOT IT!!! then why don't I feel better?

Lauracat

After 4 long years of waiting, fighting with Social Security I received my Disability, But it has been stipulated with my appeal which is still undecided and they may take away my benefits because 10 years ago I was using drugs, well I now know as they do, that all that behavior was due to childhood sexual abuse being bipolar and trying to deal with physical pain that I could not convince any doctor that I had Fibro...I want to celebrate and take a big breath but still don't feel that thi [...]

Now I know why

Lauracat

Now I know why people 'cut'. Now I know why people do illegal drugs, and engage in risky behaviors...I have been in a flare for over 3 weeks. My days start around 4 or 5am after a few hoursof unrestful sleep. I get up very slowly and drag myself around feeding the animals and then crawl to the couch and grab my laptop. I find that if I can distract myself I can reduce the intensity of my pain even if it is only for a short while. I usually watch CNN and loose myself in the 'bad ne [...]

Where have I been?

Lauracat

It has been awhile since my last post. I have been busy with Mom and other family over the holidays and now things are settled and back to normal. So what do I do - well my body promptly goes into a flare of fibro pain and fog like I have not had in months and throws me for a loop!

We had 2 solid weeks of COLD here in Florida and I spent most of it in bed trying to avoid taking any pain pills. I don't know why I do that but I never want to take them unless it becomes unbearable. It [...]

Happy Holidays

Lauracat

As I prepare to travel home to see my mother, sister, nephew and niece I am getting excited to see them all. I have been in an experimental state with the Savella for over a month now and have beengood 70% of the time as far as pain intensity, it is way down, but am struggling with depression and not being able to get good solid sleep is making me a bit on the anxious and angry side. I am still having the hot flash/sweating think going on but at least it is every few hours instead of hourly, [...]

Good news, bad news

Lauracat

I have been on the real Savella for 12 days now and have been virtually PAIN FREE for most of those days. I have also lost a total of 10 pounds! without even trying, had only mild nausea and felt better than I have in years. That is the really GOOD news.

Now for the bad news. I cannot stop sweating!!! In the beginning I thought to myself, 'okay I can deal with this sweating because I don't HURT.' Now twelve days in I am starting to feel like the hot flashes followed by [...]

Blinded by Science

Lauracat

So I am on day 12 of my Savella study. I got the placebo and have been on a roller-coaster with my bipolar symptoms. I had a flare of pain that lasted for 5 days, 3 of which I couldn't do anythingbut keep warm and try not to be too depressed. Saturday I had the first really good day, almost pain free and took the chance to go out and enjoy a beautiful day with a friend. We went to two small fall festivals, one art show and ended up at a really cool little out of the way bar on the river. [...]

Why must I suffer

Lauracat

okay I am 99.9% sure I got the placebo drug. My pain has remained high for the last 5 days. I am withdrawing from the study on Friday and getting a starter pak of the REAL Savella. I was doing thiswhole thing so I could build a patient/physician relation with the Fibro dude. I have secured an appointment and moving toward a once and for all, bonafide Fibromyalgia diagnosis. I still haven't heard back from the lawyer about my final appeal with Social Security but the next time I go before [...]

Guinea Pig for science

Lauracat

I have started in a Savella study with Univ of Fla and had to go off my pain meds and anti depressants for a week before I started on the Savella. I have been in a crap load of pain and now with no surpriseam very depressed. I wanted to try the Savella under the close care of a doctor and my regular doctor just was not interested enough for me to take risks. The doctor I am seeing for the study is the REAL DEAL. I am in a blind study so there is a 50/50 chance I will get a placebo and will know [...]

heavy sigh

Lauracat

I have been out of touch with everyone for awhile. Went to visit mom in Savannah and had a hard time keeping her spirits up. Now that Daddy is gone all she talks about is her funeral and what she wantsus all to do when she dies. It is depressing for me but it seems to give her some peace to know that all her final wishes are known.

I am trying not to get too worried about finances and took a hit when my husband wrecked his truck last week while I was out of town, the worry sent me [...]

On a day like today

Lauracat

On a day like today, 9/11, I realize how blessed I am really am. Every other day when the pain seems to be unbearable you will hear me complaining and asking why me. But on a day like todayall my whining seems so trivial and selfish.....There are so many things so much bigger than my constant aches and pains.....in comparison to loss of life and sorrow endured by those family members who lost loved ones in 9/11.

I will be silent today---no complaining----just thankfulness th [...]

Holding on

Lauracat

Since the loss of my father in May and then having to put my dog Zeke down a week ago I have been fighting off depression. I have been awake at 3am each day and in pain and just so sad. I know it is normal after losing loved ones but it does not make it easier knowing that. I am going to visit mom soon after hearing some hoodlums were just 10 feet from her front door stealing the hubcaps off my deceased fathers truck. I feel very nervous about mom living alone. We got her house secured [...]

We had to let our boy go

Lauracat

Yesterday we had to say good bye to our 13 year old weimaraner ZEKE. He had been very uncomfortable all weekend and the meds where not helping him anymore with his pain. My husband was up all nighttrying to quiet him but by morning we knew we had to call the mobile vet. She came and was soo nice and the first thing Zeke did was lift his head and give her a big old smooch and wag his tail. That just crushed us all and we were in tears. He seemed ready to go and I could see it in his eyes he wa [...]

It is what it is....

Lauracat

I am resigned to this pain....all I can do is try to wish it away. I have been in a flare of pain for about 14 days now. It seems I have less and less time where I am able to enjoy living. When I havea chance I do the much needed housework until I am exhausted. That is usually around 20 minutes or so and then I am wiped out. I am tired of hearing myself say, "I HURT!" I am tired of not having the energy to sit in a chair and watch a 30 minute TV show or walk out back to [...]

Regroup

Lauracat

I have had some time to regroup after getting my denial from disability. I am taking steps to come back with more evidence for my appeal. I have a referral to a rhuematologist and dug up a wholebunch of paperwork the judge said was lacking concerning mental health counseling that will prove I have been treated for bipolar and anxiety issues.

I guess I understand the judge needing a specialist diagnosis of my fibro but I am not happy that the report said it was not evident th [...]

I am crushed and a pile of hopelessness

Lauracat

Well - it came. The letter was in the mailbox today. I opened it with some dread and I was right. They found my claim for disability to be "Unfavorable". That means denied, no, forget about it. I am so devastated and feeling extremely freaked out right now.

The report read like a someone trying to destroy my reputation, making me sound like an out of control crazy with a substance abuse problem. I am sick that this is in print and depicts me as a real loser. It focuses o [...]

Squeezing some fun out of life

Lauracat

I am in Savannah for my 35th High School reunion this weekend. It is so much fun to see old friends and catch up on what everyone has been up to. It is a challenge with fibromyalgia to keep up the pace but I don't want to miss anything. Last night we had a cocktail party down on River Street and it was gorgeous watching the sunset behind the Talmadge bridge. I had 3 cocktails and that's about what it took to loosen me up and then it was time to go home.

Today there is a BB [...]

I guess it is never going away

Lauracat

I have been in constant pain of some degree for as long as I remember now. That is to say I cannot recall how it feels not to hurt. This fact is so depressing. In the beginning, about11 years ago I woke up one morning and took two steps and collapsed to the floor. That is how it all started and I can see it like it was yesterday. I think I even said out loud to myself, 'This means something is terribly wrong with me." The doctor sent me to physical therapy saying my back [...]

writers block, brain freeze, life on hold

Lauracat

It has been days since I have tried to write anything and it is official I have writers block. I have had it before and recovered but like any artist will tell you when you have it - it seems like it is permanent and nothing I do will fix it. So my mind is locked down and stagnate. It is so boring and frustrating. It is what it is.

I feel like my life is on hold waiting for the Social Security Disability people to send me a letter with their decision. I have to keep reminding myself tha [...]

Whatever

Lauracat

I have been in a flair with this fibro for 4 days now. I tried to link it to something like stress, emotional or physical but have had neither any more than usual. It has been damp and rainy andthere was a hurricane out in the gulf but not close enough to mess with the barometric pressure-I don't think....so what could be the cause of this flair?

I guess it is one of those 'for no reason at all' flairs. This is the thing about fibro that always confuses me. Here I am just ro [...]

What now?

Lauracat

Ever since my father passed it has been difficult when I wake each morning. I lay there and I think of him. I still have regret over not being able to save him. I know that it is a ridiculous notionbut I guess I in my childlike state 'wish' I could have made him all better.

I usually end up whimpering with tears and kicking myself out of bed because there is no chance of getting back to sleep.

I have had some dreams with Daddy in them and they are odd to say the leas [...]