|Sep 07 2009|
It is the worst thing in the world, to look at the person you love and know that at any day you may find them dead.
thats how i feel. except i know what to expect ahead of me, I just never know where or when a relapse will hit.
As my last post says things were going very smoothly, for a relatively long time in addiction terms, and continued so for several months. In august he relapsed. In august, it all came rushing back to me and immediately I found myself set in my old habits. He didn't tell me it was heroin of course. Of course I was left to guess, to feel like I was absolutely crazy. That I must be wrong because he sounds so damn convincing that its not like that. But of course..I knew better...I knew it from the beginning. its so easy to deny it. To ignore it. To wish it would go away.
But it doesnt go away. It never really goes away.
He finally told me the truth, after much hounding, and of course after he was coherent enough to hold a conversation with me.
I must be crazy to stay. I must be out of my mind. I'm too young for this, its all much too serious, much too heavy, and oh so hard. But you love the person so much. You love the amazing person underneath the addiction.
This time, all it took was one time for his life to immediately spin out of control. I knew, his friends all knew, his mother knew..and everyone is done with his shit. Nobody wants to sit there by his side anymore and watch him do this to himself and to us.
Even he was fed up. I think he came down harder on himself than any of us could. Even high, he was hating himself. The way he looked at himself, he wanted to destroy everything he was at that moment.
It was probably the worst damage hes ever done to himself..the picking the scratching...the everything. ugh.
within hours he went from looking like the healthy 21 year old he should, to someone who had been using for months.
When it all was over, he faced the serious reality of losing it all. and maybe he should have. but when do you say enough is enough? When hes been clean for over a year, and relapses once? I found myself caught in on a teeter totter, one way meant hed pull himself up and out of the slump hed hit, the other would lead to his death almost definitely.
How do you act, what choices do you make when its a life at stake? I know he has to make the choice to stay clean. I know he has to do that without me. But when their entire support group is gone..what then? what choice do u think he makes then?
Maybe im justifying my own actions of staying with him. But I also find that this time he was completely willing of his own accord to do it right. the first time he got clean, he was forced...that didnt last...I met him in the in between point...the second time he was arrested, and made the choice to get clean after that...from there he stayed clean for a year and 2 months. Until august, where he then made the choice to use, and then on his own decided he wanted nothing to do with that life.
that seems to be another step up, I would say.
He talked it out with me, he talked it out with his friends, and those he felt he needed to apologize too. He also found himself a daily sponsor.
Yet, two weeks later...he takes 3 or 4 percocet.
i dont understand.
i never will. i never want to.
i end it. it hurts so damn much to watch him fucked up. to always play the guessing game. to never know if im paranoid or actually have a damn clue.
enough with the lies. enough with the excuses. enough with the stories.
i just dont care anymore.
i tell him, i am not walking out, but i am breaking up with him because that security and that title make things difficult on me, and too easy for him.
since then, over the last week and a half. he has been more honest with me than i think he ever has. hes explaining things to me that he never would before, and hes asking for help when he feels urges.
im terrified. i am so scared that he wont be able to fight through it. that the depression from relapsing, and from the pills, are going to bring him down. and if it does. then it does. i cannot change what he will do. but it doesnt make me any less scared.
Because when it comes down to it....it is the worst thing in the world, to look at the person you love and know that at any day you may find them dead.
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