|May 12 2009|
Well, it is pretty crazy to think about just how much has changed in the last 11 months. It is also absolutely crazy to think how fast the last 11 months have gone.
A part of me never thoughtwe'd even make it this far..that he would stay clean for this long. Yet, here we are approaching that big 1 year anniversary.
So many things to say, so many things to not.
In so many ways with each passing day it gets easier; his life has made a 180, his mentality, everything, for months i worried, and even now i worry, I'm cautious and aware. Somedays are better than others, obviously, and sometimes I get nervous beyond belief.
Yet, even as things get better and easier, I also become more and more nervous for that "what if" day that may be lurking..I guess that's part of the territory.
I look at my old posts, how lost and scared and vulnerable I was, and how I too have grown incredibly on so many levels.
I will admit though, that there are many days where I am all too haunted by the past, and I know that I have my own self conflicts to resolve yet. I think that I should talk to someone, get it off my chest, even now it is all to hard to begin to talk about out loud on a intimate level. Sure. I can tell you the facts the overall horrors, but the real turmoil, is something I have yet to deal with...
and even as I say this..I know that I am too nervous to admit the need to speak to someone, to seek some form of counseling. Which is ridiculous, considering this place has helped me oh so very much, and the nar-anon meetings I attended last year..they too were a great help...then why can I not seem to admit to friends and family that maybe it was all too much and I am not superwoman? haha..actually. I'm pretty sure that is the reason in itself.
this is a hello, an update, a hoorah that all is on a good path, and a prayer that it will continue to move in such a direction!
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