The Story of My Life

Today has not been the best day for me. And with being bipolar and out of medication, that makes it a really bad day for me. I'm working on day number seven out of twelve days in a row of work. Andthis many days in a row at getting up at 4:15 every morning makes you exhausted. I was already not in a good mood this morning when I got up and the day just didn't get any better. My husband and I have barely spoken today, not because we're mad with each other, we just haven't said much. My daughter, Audrey, is being crabby to say the least. She got a little sun while we were at the lake yesterday and it's barely pink today, but she isn't feeling well, obviously. Eight month old+sunburn+temper tantrums=not a good day for anyone, much less a bipolar mother who is out of medication and can't get it refilled until payday because it's expensive. I feel like a horrible mother because in my head I can imagine myself doing things that I am ashamed of and because sometimes I have to catch myself so I won't do those things. I shouldn't have to do that. I shouldn't have to make myself not do what is in my head. Why do I have these thoughts? I hate them and I hate having to fight them on days like this. I just want to be a good mother and I feel like I am failing. I feel like my daughter is going to begin to grow up not knowing that her own mother loves her, instead she's going to think I regret having her and she may even think I'm a basketcase. I want to curl up in a ball and cry. Can I do that? I think I will.