Time to unload again |
Mar 17 2010 |
Ok, so I suppose this time I'll put down a random list of current thoughts and feelings, that I don't EVER want to talk about, without a whole lot of context. The reason beingthat I'm not sure that I could accurately quantify any of it anyway. :) Maybe this stream of consciousness style will help, who knows.
1) My biggest cause for panic is losing control of my bowels in public. Stupid, yes. The problem being, even if I did make it to a restroom, it is next to impossible to get back out. (It's happened) No, I have never had an "accident", but my agor doesn't believe me.
2) Suicide. Don't freak out if you are reading this, I'm am not sitting with a gun in my mouth. However, does it cross my mind, yes. More so since my marriage dissolved, but I have anchors and I won't do it. No need to call 911 anyone. ;) I suppose it's "poor me" a "pity party" or some other happy horseshit, but in all honesty it does "float through", and I'd rather acknowledge it than ignore it and let it fester. Enough said.
3) Bothered about that fact that things that should affect me don't. Meaning that my mind is on auto-pilot often, a severe extreme to the "old me" which had so much inner dialogue is was annoying. I mean even as I type this, no active thought, just point and shoot. Same applies to feelings, next topic!
4) Enjoying depression. I suppose due to the fact that I stay in a pretty "controlled" or "static" emotional state that any strong emotion could be misinterpreted as "pleasant" due to the fact that it is real and I feel it. For the most part the subtle emotions are either nonexistent or overlooked, so anything strong enough to catch my attention seems to really get it's hooks in.
5) My wife (ish) has the power to take my children out of my home. It terrifies me for too many reasons to list. Enough said on that, it sucks.
Current emotions:
sadness, anger, and disassociation
Ok, so shit officially unloaded.
Paul.. you are makeing tremendous strides... you really are. It's a rough road dude, but well worth it. Keep it up!
1) Not an unusual symptom and no, not stupid. Panic is a cruel trickster. It is hard to go against what your brain is telling you is real
2) Well, I know about 2 way too much. I was preoccupied with it. It is a horrible floating thought, especially once you really start feeling trapped by existence. Then it becomes more than a floating thought. It is NOT a "pity party". It is a sad reality.
3) Same. I think I have honestly lost brain cells
4) I think is closely related to 3. I had clinical depression that came and went. The depression never passed it just kept going from being very deep and disabling to just there. You know, at some point I questioned whether we can be addicted to the dark side, to the demons. They became my close, even if unwanted companions. I knew they would always be there. THEY would understand me. How deep the darkness, how real the feelings. Happiness was too unstable, unlike the sadness.
As to 6, well I am sorry Paul.
I wish I did not identify so much with what you have written but I do. And since you NEVER want to talk about any of these things...case closed. Just know that I get it.
You sounds like you have a good handle on things...now you just need to have some time pass to "get through it all". You have made some wonderful, enormous changes in your life and have become a better person. I think because you are being so brutally honest with yourself about exactly how you are feeling, you will move through all of this quickly and continue to find your way. Hang in there and keep journaling to empty out the feelings that build up. Hugs and prayers, Tracy
Take care and continue to believe in yourself...you've made it this far, so you'll be able to keep on moving forward.
Jeff
Hang in there Paul take life one day at a time that's all we can do.
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Want a laugh Paul? My mom --- she would kill me if she knew I said this-- actually does lose her bowels in public. It has happened. Guess what,, not really a big deal.. it is emBAREASSing to her but she has had it happen more than once. She buys a new pair of underware and pants and some wipes, change in the bathroom, puts the pants in the bag or throw em away. I had urinary incontinance for 10 years. Always had to bring fresh clothes with me where ever I went-just in case- Thank God I had the surgery and got that fixed last year. Soooo much less anxiety now! I make my appointments in the mornings if I can and don't eat or drink before hand... so then I don't have to worry about going #2!!! I know others that do this too.