|Mar 17 2010|
Ok, so I suppose this time I'll put down a random list of current thoughts and feelings, that I don't EVER want to talk about, without a whole lot of context. The reason beingthat I'm not sure that I could accurately quantify any of it anyway. :) Maybe this stream of consciousness style will help, who knows.
1) My biggest cause for panic is losing control of my bowels in public. Stupid, yes. The problem being, even if I did make it to a restroom, it is next to impossible to get back out. (It's happened) No, I have never had an "accident", but my agor doesn't believe me.
2) Suicide. Don't freak out if you are reading this, I'm am not sitting with a gun in my mouth. However, does it cross my mind, yes. More so since my marriage dissolved, but I have anchors and I won't do it. No need to call 911 anyone. ;) I suppose it's "poor me" a "pity party" or some other happy horseshit, but in all honesty it does "float through", and I'd rather acknowledge it than ignore it and let it fester. Enough said.
3) Bothered about that fact that things that should affect me don't. Meaning that my mind is on auto-pilot often, a severe extreme to the "old me" which had so much inner dialogue is was annoying. I mean even as I type this, no active thought, just point and shoot. Same applies to feelings, next topic!
4) Enjoying depression. I suppose due to the fact that I stay in a pretty "controlled" or "static" emotional state that any strong emotion could be misinterpreted as "pleasant" due to the fact that it is real and I feel it. For the most part the subtle emotions are either nonexistent or overlooked, so anything strong enough to catch my attention seems to really get it's hooks in.
5) My wife (ish) has the power to take my children out of my home. It terrifies me for too many reasons to list. Enough said on that, it sucks.
sadness, anger, and disassociation
Ok, so shit officially unloaded.
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