Diary Entries for gurubu2

Still among the land of the living

gurubu2

I've heard that this can be therapeutic, and since I've accumulated a fair amount of shit over the last several months, I shall now unload.

I had gotten to the point where, even thoughI was home bound, I was off the meds and doing fairly well. In the last couple of months however things have been getting a bit overwhelming again. Panic at home is rare for me, and the scary part is when it begins to feed in to depression.

Ok, let's sort this out. I hav [...]

Still alive, just a little weary of the world

gurubu2

Ok, I can only assume that some of my buds have begun to wonder if I'm still breathing. Yes, I am.

Life has been very unpleasant of late, which is in part what kept me from beingon the site, we all have enough problems. So, I guess I'll vent and unload here, that way anyone who wants to can get the skinny on me without me having to explain things over and over again.

I'm not going to say anything about my prolonged absence publicly except I [...]

Things I f*cking hate

gurubu2

I am in an incredibly bad mood today, which is pretty unusual for me. I am used to being depressed, today I'm angry. So I though maybe I should list the shit that I hate (a strong word, I know).

1) The fact that what my ex-wife (yes we are emotionally divorced!) still has the ability to fuck up my day.

2) The complete lack of control I have over my life, today seems to be a "straw that broke the camel's back" kinda day

3) The f [...]

Talking to my oldest daughter about my marriage

gurubu2

So,

This will be fairly quick. My ex went to her fuck buddy's yesterday and stayed until right before she had to go to work. She didn't tell the kids where she was going, just that she would be home in 1-1 1/2 hour, she wasn't. By the time she got home the kids were in bed.

Anyway, my oldest one asked me where Mom went, and it caught me off guard and I said "to see a friend from work". She rolled her eyes and gave me a &qu [...]

How much more can I take?

gurubu2

So,

Since my last diary entry, yes the bitch went on her date. She left on Thursday afternoon at 4:30 pm and returned Friday morning at 6 AM. I was pretty pissed, and it came outthat she did indeed fuck the guy, on the first date. I have been bouncing between near rage and intense sadness, at least there is nothing left for her to do to me. If she ever brings him here.......

I did go see the shrink on Thursday, it went well. We talked about my [...]

Angry

gurubu2

Wow,

I haven't done this in a while. I guess I was do. This will also help to explain my absence from the site recently. I tend to retreat into myself when I'm upset, and have been doing so again it appears.

So, I was informed today that my "wife" (ex), what the fuck ever, is going on a date Thursday. To make matters worse, I met the guy back before my marriage fell apart, he actually came to my house. I hope for his sake he isn' [...]

Time to unload again

gurubu2

Ok, so I suppose this time I'll put down a random list of current thoughts and feelings, that I don't EVER want to talk about, without a whole lot of context. The reason beingthat I'm not sure that I could accurately quantify any of it anyway. :) Maybe this stream of consciousness style will help, who knows.

1) My biggest cause for panic is losing control of my bowels in public. Stupid, yes. The problem being, even if I did make it to [...]

Today my marriage ended

gurubu2

The title pretty much summed it up, but anyway let's vent a bit shall we.

So, my wife told me today, she doesn't love my anymore, and that it will not change, hencetoday 15 years of "being together" ended, though I am still deeply in love with her. The worst part is that she said she has been struggling with this for years, and tried to "fix it" but couldn't. I have two pretty huge fucking issues with that:

1 Who [...]

Feeling smaller and smaller

gurubu2

As negotiations with my wife continue to worsen, I can feel myself shriveling up into a little armadillo type ball inside my chest. I seem to alternate between wanting to puke, shit, scream, sleep, and tune out completely. As always my ability to deal with emotional conundrums is astounding.

Ok let's set the fucking record straight:

For the first 5 years I was an addict, if it didn't involve needles I did it. She stuck by me, and that was the [...]

Life is full of little atomic f*cking bombs

gurubu2

So today I hear the most dreaded words of any married man, "I'm not sure how I feel about you anymore" "I love you but I'm not sure it is in the sense of husband and wife" So, joy oh joy I get to help work through that emotional tangle in order to defend my wife's love for me as a husband, WTF!

Quite honestly at this point I want nothing more than to type curse word after curse word, pounding the living shit out of my keyboard in the process, [...]

As others live their lives, where is my place?

gurubu2

After 14 years of marriage I should be more secure, I know, but I'm not. I'm self absorbed, lazy, self pitying, and not a "head turner" by any means, I get it.

Throughthe years, between addiction jumping, being inattentive, and more than likely just plain mean on a lot of occasions, I suppose I'm lucky that my wife even stuck around. That being said, in the last few weeks she has decided to "work on herself", and I truly think that's [...]